This Week's Wacks
Our 982nd Edition
"Never look back. OK, after that (we saw you)."
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November 14th, 2014
Republican Scott Brown lost his bid for Senate in New Hampshire last night, two years after he was voted out as Senator in Massachusetts. In his words, "Well, two down, 48 to go!"
Washington, D.C., voted to legalize recreational marijuana. Because being too ambitious and getting lots done has always been a problem back there.
A North Carolina man says he used his "Never Ending Pasta Pass" from Olive Garden to eat at the restaurant 95 times in the past six weeks. Now, to lose some weight so he can actually leave the restaurant...
A Montana Klansman says he wants to bring racial diversity to the "new" KKK and invite in people of all races. Isn't that like a cannibal announcing he's going vegan?
Alaska has voted to legalize recreational marijuana. Most citizens have said they're only going to smoke it when it snows.
My buddy Skip Tucker has a great idea. I'm thinkin' double-stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
The USDA has approved a genetically modified potato. Yep -- Frankenspud!
A study says that older adults should break their sedentary behavior by getting up nine times for every hour they are sitting. I wonder if that counts if you do all your getting up at night?
Former UNC football player Michael McAdoo is suing the school over fake classes for breaking its promise to give him a quality education. In his words, "They should have made me smarterest!"
The unemployment rate has dropped to 5.8%. It would have been lower if you didn't include all the democrats who lost their jobs this past election.
Ironically, Demi Moore was born on Veterans Day. Whether you want to join the military or you'd like to date her, you have to be 18.
New England quarterback Tom Brady says that, sometimes on the night before a game, he goes to bed at 7pm. The fact he is married to Gisele Bunchen is purely coincidental.
Former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell is engaged. Apparently she told her boyfriend what she wants... what she really, really wants...
How is Tommy Chong still on "Dancing with the Stars?" Is that that the cast and crew don't want to lose their connection?
NBC Sports will air a special that follows Tom Brokaw as he goes pheasant hunting in South Dakota. The best part is when he talks to the birds and they can't understand a word he's saying.
All the kids were dressed up like "Frozen" characters for Halloween. This week, thanks to a polar vortex, we all get to live it!
Pat Sajak had a minor meltdown on Wheel of Fortune Monday, when he became frustrated by a contestant and walked off the set. I'm shocked -- Wheel of Fortune is still on the air?
A study says that regular marijuana users have shrunken brains... whatever that means.
The rumor has been confirmed -- there will actually be a Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. That sounds like something you might have tasted before on the way up...
It's going to be called Dewitos. Finally, Danny Devito has a spokesperson gig.
An investigative news report found that the Seattle Seahawks have been serving their fans water-down beer. Yep, the fans are that loud & scary sober!
The TV show "Sesame Street" turned 45 this week. You could tell because everything is starting to hurt. Friday's show was sponsored by the letter A? and the number I left in the other room.
McDonald's has brought back the McRib. They're offering it as part of their "What the hell is it? Really!" meal.
I had heard that the McRib was invented by a guy who noticed tire tracks on meat looked like ribs. Well, that's the rumor...
The Secret Service has disclosed there were 40 fence jumping incidents at the White House over the past five years. I'm blaming Michelle Obama's push for fitness. In the old days, the whack jobs had to use the gate.
A report says that Mormon Church founder Joseph Smith had as many as 40 wives. And all these years, I had believed he was happy.
He's also said to have been the writer of that country song, "39 headaches and one on vacation."
Los Angeles is offering free rain barrels to residents to help beat the drought. They're also offering free unicorn boarding.
In the spirit of rushing the seasons, we're exactly 3 months from Valentine's Day!
TOP FIVE THINGS ABOUT TEACHING A CLASS OF OWLS
- Only question they ever ask: "Who?"
- They only do night school
- They all think they're wiser than the teacher
- They've heard all the hooters and Harry Potter jokes before
- All it takes to distract the class is one mouse
TOP FIVE SIGNS THINGS I NEED TO DO TO GET READY FOR THANKSGIVING
- Have that talk with the kids about the pet turkey
- Put up the Thanksgiving lights
- Make up the shopping list for Thanksgiving morning
- Place the 'reserved' sign in the couch for the football games
- Take my elastic waist pants to the cleaners
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PSPS--Here's my recommendation for that new laptop. On my blog
PSPSPS--Check out this week's new 'toon and archives full of Ima Norwegian!
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