This Week's Wacks
Our 985th Edition
"Have a Jolly Christmas, Holly"
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December 5th, 2014
Veteran MLB umpire Dale Scott is the first to announce he's gay. The replay showed he is definitely out.
Tom Cruise was almost hit by a bus while filming his latest movie in London. Who knew Katie Holmes was now a bus driver?
The University of Alabama-Birmingham announced its terminating its football program, becoming the first university in college sports' top tier to do so in nearly 20 years. Somewhere in Oakland right now are fans wondering, "How do we turn our city into a college?"
The Russian government acknowledges the country will fall into a recession next year. That's one thing Russia has always been good about -- planning. Yep, they can already tell you who's going to win the next elections.
In Wisconsin last week, thousands of people showed up for a Black Friday sale on beer. Is this a great country or what?
It's the gift that keeps on peeing.
It's pretty obvious whose houses Santa is going to visit first...
The Chinese government has banned the use of puns and wordplay in all TV broadcasts. The shows "Two and a Half Tiannemen" and "No Fair Peeking" were immediately canceled.
A couple in New York decided they wanted to get married on a subway train. If you want to get them a gift, they're registered with Lysol.
A Pennsylvania woman reportedly stabbed her boyfriend for starting Thanksgiving dinner without her. Of course, the turkey was wondering, "Where were you on Wednesday?"
Apparently, my hair is having a race with the price of gas.
Lana Del Rey is going to tour with Courtney Love. Let me know when the pool forms on that one. I want in.
A Pennsylvania woman reportedly stabbed her boyfriend for starting Thanksgiving dinner without her. I find this amazing -- the guy got up from football to help without being asked?
Four teams are reportedly interested in signing Ray Rice who had his suspension lifted. Of course, these are the four teams whose headquarters don't have elevators, just stairs.
My son's girlfriend told me how the 405 freeway got its name -- because it takes 4 o' 5 hours to get anywhere.
A fitness guru says that it is OK for people to pig out on Thanksgiving. And that's where I quit reading... ...
Chicago is officially now the coldest it's been in 110 years…if you don't include the baseball season.
A former employee of Zillow is suing the real estate giant for sexual harassment. Not surprising, if they undervalue their employees like they do my house.
A brother and sister in Minneapolis are opening the world's first vegan butcher shop. Isn't that having a sugar-free cotton candy stand?
In North Korea, people who have the same name as Kim Jong Un have been ordered to change their names. When you think about it, there's someone's mail you wouldn't want to accidentally receive, his would have to be up near the top of the list.
The University of Alabama-Birmingham has decided to discontinue its football team. The coach has already sent the board a "Thank You Bouquet."
A University of Texas research lab is missing 100-human brains. I suppose we can immediately rule out the U.S. Senate.
Ironic that Bill Cosby's current comedy tour is called, "Far from finished." Seems like he's getting a little closer every day.
TOP FIVE INAPPROPRIATE GIFTS TO GIVE FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
- A shorter, more proportionate carrot
- Hand-warmers
- A personal space heater
- Socks
- Salt
TOP FIVE FIRST DRAFTS OF CHRISTMAS SONGS
- "God rest ye during half-time men"
- "Ave Marie Callender"
- "Hark the Herald Angels Scared the Crap Out of Me!"
- "O little town of Miami"
- "Chestnuts roasting in the oven"
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PSPS--Here comes Dennis Brown! Here comes Dennis Brown! Get the story on my blog (where it's actually snowing right now)
PSPSPS--Check out this week's new 'toon and archives full of Ima Norwegian!
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