This Week's Wacks
Our 987th Edition
"OK, OK, I'll start my Christmas shopping....tomorrow....!"
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December 19th, 2014
Congress has gone on recess. It's the time of year when they don't get anything done at home, rather than Washington, D.C..
Kim Kardashian said recently that she gained weight while she was pregnant because God was punishing her for being "so hot." He also must have done something about her modesty.
Cheerio's is coming out with a new 'Ancient Grains' cereal that mixes up traditional oats with quinoa, Kamut wheat and spelt! Apparently, it's for parents who don't believe in spanking.
I'd just like to say a few words about writer's block. (long pause) Uh, maybe later.
Mama June from "Honey Boo Boo" and her Sugar Bear have been offered $1 million to make a sex tape. I think we should offer $2 million to not.
A movie theater in Russia has replaced their seats with beds to make for the feeling of having a slumber party. Like I can stay awake for anything I rent at home on Friday nights...
And you thought those kids necking in the back row were making a lot of noise.
Ads for Obamacare signups are appearing on receipts at 7-Eleven stores. 7-Eleven is also changing their slogan to, "Oh, thank Barack."
The Department of Homeland Security says 100 Million Americans could lose power during a major sun storm. I guess the only thing we can do is hope that it happens at night.
The Justice Department ruled that Native American tribes are allowed to grow and sell marijuana on reservations. In a related story, the Washington, D.C. NFL team is talking about changing their name to the Redeyes.
What's truly amazing is how Santa has all that time to make toys AND send out all that spam about writing letters to my kids!
In Portland, Oregon, Nordstrom fired one of their employees because of a Facebook post. In this case, there will be a no-return policy.
Sunday on "Meet the Press," Dick Cheney defended waterboarding. In fact, he would even like to see it, some day, become an Olympic sport.
Sy Berger, the father of the modern baseball trading card, who designed the famed Topps versions of the 1950's, has died at 91. Being the creator of baseball cards doesn't get you much. It takes 36 Sy Berger cards to trade for one Thomas Edison.
Sy Berger, the "Father of Baseball Cards" (he designed the Topps cards of the 1950s), has died at the age of 91. His ashes will be placed in a box in the attic until you go away to college and then mom will throw them away.
Hallucinogenic mushrooms have been discovered growing in the garden at Buckingham Palace. At first, the queen was not amused. Now she's laughing hysterically.
Among the top Google searches of 2014 were Ebola and Frozen. Yeah, it was that kind of year.
A new study says that beavers contribute an estimated 800 million kilograms of methane to the atmosphere every year. Dam.
The cyber-thieves who hacked into Sony have released the script to the next James Bond movie. Believe it or not, Bond lives.
Pope Francis celebrated his 78th birthday on Wednesday, with 7,000 tango dancers performing for him. Why 7,000? Because 8,000 would have been gluttonous.
New York Jets cornerback Josh Thomas pleaded on Twitter for the return of his stolen playbook. Really? You're going to steal an N.F.L. playbook and you take on from the Jets?
The spinoff of "The Walking Dead" will take place in Los Angeles. One of the early scenes shows zombies moving on the freeways faster than any cars ever did.
On Monday, President Obama gave a speech to soldiers in New Jersey. Maybe someday, they'll be able to come home...
A Fed Ex truck spilled-over in New Jersey, tossing Christmas packages all over the Interstate. Yes, Herbie the Elf was driving. For God's sake, just let him be a dentist, OK?
President Obama says that once, he was mistaken for a valet. But enough about Joe Biden...
Now, to figure out a way to see the new movie, "The Interview" and live.
Yep, Sony Pictures canceled the Christmas Day release of "The Interview." Now I have no idea what to do on that day.
The Dalai Lama says there should be no more Dalai Lama's after his death. I feel the same way about Lindsay Lohan.
Donald Trump says this country "doesn't need another Bush" as Trump is reportedly considering another run for President. I don't remember asking for even one Trump. OK, maybe once, but that was in a game of Bridge.
Layoffs are reportedly starting at the New York Times. What made it worse is that the employees read about 'em in the New York Post.
A report says NFL referees are on a pace to call more than 4,000 penalties this season. And that's just against the Seahawks!!
You better watch out! You better not cry! You better not pout! I'm telling you why: North Korea has your username and password.
TOP FIVE FAVORITE HANUKKAH CAROLS
- "It's beginning to look a lot like latkes"
- "Eight days a week" (I like Beatles songs)
- "Chestnuts roasting by a spinning dreidel"
- "Up on the rooftop! Oy! Oy! Oy!"
- "Oy Little Town of Tel Aviv"
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE A LAST-MINUTE CHRISTMAS SHOPPER
- You consider Christmas Eve too early
- You have your own reserved parking space at 7-11
- You laugh in the face of "Oh, crap, I forgot"
- You live for crowded malls
- Your license plate: "Not Yet"
TOP FIVE THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THE KIDS SAYING WHILE WAITING IN LINE FOR SANTA
- "You get the elf, I'll get the fat guy!"
- "I never should have drank those three sodas"
- "I wonder what this rash is?"
- "Man, I haven't been this sick in years!"
- "I can't wait to pull his beard!"
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PSPS---My final collection of thoughts and ramblings for the year. On my blog (where it's actually snowing right now)
PSPSPS--Check out this week's new 'toon and archives full of Ima Norwegian!
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PSPSPSPSPS---Follow Tim's Tweets on Twitter @timwack