This Week's Wacks
Our 991st Edition
"I don't want Super Bowl tickets---I'll just take the money"
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January 30th, 2015
81-year-old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Ginsburg apparently fell asleep during President Obama's State of the Union speech Tuesday. It was one of the first times in a long time that she was in the majority.
CNN says they're going to try a political game show. Suggested title: "Who's watching it anyway?"
Cheetos is introducing a new cinnamon and sugar snack called 'Sweetos'. I'm assuming it'll do better than the time Comet offered that violet-scented cleanser, Vomet.
Tom Brady has a lot of balls -- most of which are under-inflated.
New York's mayor is saying that Monday's snowstorm could have been the biggest in New York's history. The Statue of Liberty was seen holding up a snow shovel.
Sports Illustrated has laid off all its staff photographers. This year's Swimsuit Issue could be entirely selfies.
The beer can is celebrating its 80th birthday this year. I'm holding on commemorating the event until this Sunday.
Forbes says the Dallas Cowboys are the most valuable NFL team at $2.1 Billion. The New England Patriots came in second at $1.64 Billion, but as you would expect, that's an under-inflated number.
According to a new report, there are still five people alive today who were born in the 1800s... as of five minutes ago. We'll update you in another five.
A new study says that nearly half of all people have a Vitamin D deficiency. Gee, back in high school, D's were never a problem.
New England coach Bill Belichick says that cold temperatures could have caused his team's balls to be deflated in the AFC championship game. The amazing part is how it only happened on one side of the field.
And now, here's Tom Petty and Sam Smith singing, "I won't back down if you'll stay with me."
New England received 26-inches of snow. However, a Patriots team trainer lowered it to just 24.
I ordered a Patriot at the bar the other night. It's pretty much any drink with soda that's semi-flat.
With the whole "Deflate-gate" thing swirling, maybe halftime of the Super Bowl should feature Air Supply.
A drone landed on the White House lawn the other day. Why do I have this strange feeling that somewhere, in some room, Joe Biden is being yelled at right now?
Mark Winston said he saw an article on the 11 fish you shouldn't eat. He started to read and then thought, "With billions of fish in the world, what are the odds of catching any of those 11?"
Good morning! But I'm only here so the NFL won't fine me.
A study says that people who hear voices in their heads should try talking back to them. Actually, all of my voices had a vote and said that's not true.
Then there was the time the voice in my head had laryngitis.
A report says the super wealthy are buying hideouts in areas like New Zealand where they can escape to in the event of a civil uprising. Sure, but just wait until the Goblins and the Wargs start fighting again...
Kylie Jenner says she is busy working towards her high school diploma. That's earned her the family nickname, "Over-achiever."
A new study says that a glass of red wine is equal to an hour at the gym. The good news is that the wine is a lot easier and you don't have to drive there!
A food industry group says the average American consumes 2,400 calories during the Super Bowl. I've got that covered during the pre-game show!
Astronomers say they've discovered a solar system twice as old as ours. They made the discovery because it posted its birth year on its Facebook page.
Coming to Broadway: "Clinton: the Musical." I'm just imagining the titles of songs in the show: "Under the desk," "Intern, it's your turn," "Do you wannika, Monica?"
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'VE GOT THE COOLEST SUPERBOWL PARTY EVER
- You get to tell Kanye and Kim, "Sorry, we're full"
- Papa John is hand-feeding you pizza
- Your house is rumored to be the site of Super Bowl 50
- NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell dibbed a spot on your couch
- Katy Perry is doing her halftime show from your front yard
TOP FIVE SURE WAYS TO HAVE A LOUSY SUPER BOWL PARTY
- Give Aunt Carol, the one who never stops talking, a bull horn
- Forgot about the rendering issue watching it on the computer
- Hey, isn't that the dip you had out last year?
- 20 guests, no restroom, 2 chairs
- 5-inch black and white TV is a great start
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
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