This Week's Wacks
Our 992nd Edition
"Seattle, that's not rain--that's God crying about that Super Bowl game"
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February 6th, 2015
Seattle residents will be fined if they throw away food instead of using it for compost. The city isn't in charge of the fines -- it's the NFL.
Arizona Cardinals cornerback Patrick Peterson set a world's record by taking 1,449 selfies in an hour. He's calling it the "Super Bowl of Selfies."
Bill Gates says he feels stupid for never having learned a foreign language. Next time you see him, stuff him in a locker.
Portland State University researchers have designed a coffee cup especially for astronauts to use in space. Next up -- create a latte machine for the astronauts. Right now in space, no one can hear you steam. It is "Ground Hog's Day", when---if the groundhog sees his shadow, that means 6 more weeks of Super Bowl pre-game show.
Punxsutawney Phil came out of his hole yesterday and saw his shadow which, according to legend, means six more weeks of winter. However, for the record, I should point out that Phil once was a weather forecaster in New York City.
AOL is laying off 3% of its workforce. Most were informed on the phone by a robotic voice that said, "You've got layoff!!"
A survey says that 14% of all Baby Boomers are being treated for depression. Most of those, Seahawk fans.
Even Johnny Weir was asking, "Why did they pass instead of giving that Skittles guy the oblong ball thing?"
The Scientology commercial that ran in the Super Bowl promised "the Age of Answers." Can we start with that last play call?
The marriage license that convicted serial killer Charles Manson applied for is about to expire... and no wedding yet. Looks like you might be OK to take back that toaster...
Google is said to be creating their own version of Uber. I wonder if it works the same way, except with Google, you have to search for your car.
Seattle gets its first marijuana-dispensing vending machine this week. And you got mad before when the Doritos got stuck...
Donald Trump is blaming President Obama for the Seahawks loss in the Super Bowl and says he made Mitt Romney quit the presidential race. Sounds like someone's toupee is a little too tight again...
On Monday, the groundhog came out, saw Bruce Jenner and ran back to his hole, screaming, which apparently signifies another Ice Age.
A new study shows that the number one cause of stress is money. Number two has to be the number of studies that constantly tell us what's wrong.
Simon Cowell reportedly fell asleep after being hypnotized on the set of "Britain's Got Talent." If only they suggested he becomes a chicken when he says the phrase, "If I may be honest... "
"The Walking Dead" returns this Sunday night. In the opening episode, Pete Carroll meets his demise when he tries to pass within 1-yard of a zombie.
From my buddy, Skip Tucker---"The guy who kidnapped us is asleep. Let's go." Pete Carroll: I'll pass. "You sure? Because running seems like the easy choi... " Pete: I'LL PASS
The author of "To Kill A Mockingbird" says that a sequel is on the way. My guess is the phrase, "Zombie Mockingbird" is somewhere in the title.
A 183-year-old tortoise has been declared the world's oldest living land creature. Even more amazing, it actually attended all of Larry King's weddings.
Richard Sherman's son was born early Thursday morning. For just a brief moment, son was actually louder than dad.
Exciting news in the Seattle weather forecast-it's expecting to quit raining for an hour or so Monday afternoon. Get out the lawn furniture!!!
A Chinese teenager reportedly cut off his own hand to cure his Internet addiction. Apparently unplugging the machine never occurred to him.
Shoe Bomber Richard Reid says he failed because it was what God wanted. I'm pretty sure when you start stuffing shoes with bombs, most deities will say, "Hey, I'm out!"
The owner of the Atlanta Falcons says pumping in fake crowd noises during home games was wrong. The NFL first became suspicious when the crowd began cheering the day before the game.
Lindsay Lohan and her mother have filed a lawsuit against Fox News for defamation. I'm trying to think of what they could have said that hasn't been said already.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR SUPER BOWL PARTY GOT A LITTLE OUT OF CONTROL
- You just tied the record for most guests reported missing after a party
- For some reason, you're being fined by the NFL
- All you remember is tearing the goal post down... and you don't have a goal post
- Well, of course it's in the kitchen -- there's a hyena in the living room!
- Can we start with the goat in the kitchen?
TOP FIVE WAYS SEAHAWKS FANS AREN'T HANDLING THINGS VERY WELL
- To show team support, but to drown their sorrows, ordering drinks by the 12's
- Trying what they can turn their "back to back" tattoo's into
- The view the rain as "God crying"
- Fans are going to Starbucks and only ordering triple-shot espressos
- Victory Parade rescheduled as Public Stoning
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PSPS---I collected a week's worth of vents after the Super Bowl and put 'em all here on my blog
PSPSPS --Check out this week's new 'toon and archives full of Ima Norwegian!
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