This Week's Wacks
Our 998th Edition
"Spring arrives today--let the yardwork begin!!!""
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March 20th, 2015
The U.S. military is said to be testing bomb-sniffing elephants. Probably because bomb-sniffing whales would be too obvious.
Last Friday, I thought of a good slasher-movie idea: "Friday the 13th: Jason Gets Asked to Play Farmville One Too Many Times." I'd pay.
Bruce Beresford-Redman, a former Survivor producer, has been convicted of murdering his wife during a 2010 Cancun beach vacation. Now he gets to play the Mexican prison version of the game.
Does anyone know why ISIS changed their name to ISIL? I can't imagine it's a public relations move.
The very first successful penis transplant is being reported in South Africa. You know what that procedure's called, right? Addadictomy.
A working meth lab was found in the restroom of a Wal-Mart in Indiana. That explains the big eyes on the store's smiley face and why the store greeters were yelling.
Bruce Jenner's son, Brandon, and his wife, Leah, are expecting their first child. Depending on where he'll be in transition that means Bruce will soon become a grand... something...
I've got a busy day ahead. I need to hire a babysitter for my inner child.
President Obama appeared on Jimmy Kimmel's show last week. That makes one president who has appeared on his show -- 12 if you include all of Morgan Freeman's different roles.
Paul McCartney's ex, Heather Mills, is calling him "non-relevant." All together now: "She hates you, yeah, yeah, yeah... "
Time to get out there and hit those After-St. Patrick's Day Sales.
A report says that ISIS jihadists have a fondness for junk food, especially McDonald's. OK, that might explain some of their actions...
Steve Case, the founder of AOL says we are at a pivotal point in the Internet's history. Of course, he said it on AOL, so very people know it.
It's going to cost $111,000 to move two elephants from Seattle's zoo to an Oklahoma animal farm. Yes, most of that is airfare, but there's also the extra baggage fee for the two trunks.
I like to give my brackets a name. This year, I'm going with 'Titanic.'
Once again, I filled out my brackets and once again, I'll probably end up with more wrong guesses than a TV weather guy.
Premera has been a victim of a cyber-attack and they say the records of 11-million customers have been exposed. Plus, the co-pay of 3-million customers.
Well, we made it through another St. Patrick's Day, the day when everyone is Irish. Even President O'Bama.
Starbucks announced a new PR campaign that encourages baristas to chat up their customers about race relations. Well, besides, "Do you want it black?"
Hillary Clinton is expected to name 35 year old Robby Mook to manage her 2016 presidential campaign. She just has to convince him that she really thought she couldn't have two email accounts on one device.
A study says that age linked memory loss may be worse for men. I don't remember why but my wife probably does.
Donald Trump is sniffing around again for a presidential run. Only on the condition that if he screws up, we get to fire him on national TV and there would be a lottery to determine who gets the honor. Deal?
Yes, Donald Trump may be throwing his hat into the presidential ring. First, of course, he'll have to make sure his hair isn't accidentally attached.
North Korea's Kim Jong Un is making his first foreign trip since becoming the leader of the far-from-free world. He'll be heading to Moscow for a visit with Vladimir Putin. He'll also say hi to his Russian friend, Dennis Rodmanovich
I've got this idea of a business--lapband surgeries for seniors. I'd call it Geriatric Bariatrics. Or not.
March Madness gets into high gear today -- productivity be damned!
Really smart neighbor girl. She just came over and asked if I would be interested in buying any lemonade stand futures. Impressive.
Burger King has announced they're coming out with a Whopper-scented perfume. Would you like Fries cologne with that?
Clint Eastwood's son, Scott, says his dad didn't care "if I became an actor or a plumber." Obviously, if you want to pursue your dreams, you become an actor. If you decide to make a lot of money, then you become a plumber.
The Secret Service is asking for $8-million to build a fake White House for training purposes…and to mess around with Joe Biden.
San Francisco is toying with the idea of allowing 16-year-olds to vote. Or, in the case of most elections, to not vote.
Hillary Clinton was actually inducted into the Irish American Hall of Fame this week. Yes, you can trace her Irish ancestry back hundreds of years, but you can't follow her emails past last October.
Spring officially arrives today. In Boston, that's the day the snow starts getting a little softer.
TOP FIVE LEAST POPULAR EASTER ITEMS
- Rabbit traps
- Exploding Cadbury Eggs
- Diet Jelly Beans
- Sugar-free Peeps
- Gluten-free fake grass (say that six times fast)
TOP FIVE SIGNS SPRING IS ALMOST HERE
- In Boston, you can almost see the top of the snow. Almost...
- Costco is getting their Christmas stuff back out
- The Chicago Cubs have been mathematically eliminated
- Edward Snowden is starting to melt
- Brian Williams says it IS here
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PSPS---I'm happy to announce that I'm not as crazy as I thought I was. Details here on my blog
PSPSPS --Check out this week's new 'toon and archives full of Ima Norwegian!
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