The NFL Pro Bowl game is now officially dead. It was such a dumb idea. It was like playing a baseball game with water balloons.
Seattle school teachers have threatened to go on strike before school starts. Yes, we're at that time of year again: Readin', 'Ritin' and Renegotiatin'.
A new study says that being an underweight senior was associated with a much higher risk of death among older adults, suggesting weight loss in seniors is not always beneficial. Finally-I've waited my whole trying to find my calling and it's being old!
44% of women agree that dancing should be part of a perfect date night. 0% percent agree it should be at a strip club, if that helps.
37% of pet owners say they leave the radio on when they leave the house for their pet. 100% of pets said, if they could talk, they would say, "Change the station!"
According to Google, the instructional video "How to unclog a toilet" is among the top ten searched. 100% of those searches are made while visiting a friend's house.
36% of Americans say they have cursed out or verbally abused their computer or a device in the past 6 months. That happens so much on my computer, I've made it sign an NDA.
For fun: You encounter a wise man sitting in a cave. In front of him are two coins: a five-cent coin and a large gold coin worth $10,000. He offers you a challenge:
- You may make one statement.
- If your statement is true, he will give you one of the coins, but he won't tell you which.
- If your statement is false, you receive nothing.
What statement can you make to guarantee that you win the $10,000 gold coin? There are other possible answers, but this one works: "You won't give me that five-cent coin."
I speak multiple languages: Peanuts (adult version), Groot, American Hand Gesture and Snark.
President Trump says he's going to destroy Iran's economy. Wow, destroying the economies of two countries in one year would be quite a feat!
A study found that when people include conspiracy theories in their online dating profiles, others tend to swipe away and lose interest. Wow, then maybe I need to ditch the foil hat on my profile picture.
A guy is showing up around Glasgow, Scotland, wearing a Cat in the Hat costume. No explanation, just stands and stares and then walks away. I would not like to see that clown, I would not like that in my town.
President Trump says he's considering changing the name of Lake Ontario to Lake America. Canada says, "What a coincidence! They were thinking about changing the name, too, to Lake Orange Turd. Or Lake Epstein.
Lego is reporting record first-half revenue of roughly $6.5B, which is 21% higher than a year ago. It's never been more dangerous to walk through the living room in the dark.
52% of drivers do not know how to change their windshield wipers. The last time it started raining, I turned mine on and both shot off somewhere, so I guess that would include me.
There's a lunar eclipse tonight. Astronomers explain that it doesn't mean the moon goes away, it's just working remotely.
FROM FACEBOOK:
- Instead of cleaning the house, I just watch an episode of "Hoarders" and think, "Dang, my house looks great!"
- The internet is just full of people saying what annoys them. That annoys me.
- Money doesn't impress me. Giving it to me does.
- You know that thing in your mind that warns you this might be a bad idea? How do I get one of those?
- Ever since my first job, I knew I was meant to be retired.
- A job interview is basically a conversation between two scammers.
- If a cookie falls on the ground and you pick it up, that's a squat, right?
- ME AT 13: Why are adults so cranky? ME TODAY: Oh.
- VEGAN: You know, the chicken you're eating had a family. ME: That's why I ordered a bucket. No one gets left behind.
- Why does my stomach have the nerve to growl when the fat is literally right there to eat?
- What time do I get off work? Technically, 5pm. Emotionally, 2pm, but on Fridays, 10am.
- I'm fun for 32 minutes and then I start thinking about going home.
- The story of my life: I knew better, but my curiosity was like, "Do it!" and my bad decisions were already putting on their shoes.
- Ever look at your best friend and wonder why the two of you aren't comedians with your own reality show?
- You're never too old to learn how to do a backflip. In other news, guess who just met their deductible?
- Every broom leaves behind one tiny line of dirt. It needs you to know who's in charge.
- That person in front of you at the self-checkout is always encountering technology for the first time.
- My grocery store just rearranged the aisles. To retaliate, I've started switching around the aisle signs.
- Fastest mood change: Finding a parking spot, then realizing there's a motorcycle in it.
- Chess is totally rigged to give smart people the advantage.
- If you think I'm all out of ideas, you just wait. Oh, you meant good ideas...
- I'm just letting my writing take me whichever direction it chooses. Really? South again?
- In summary, my dad's life advice to me was, "Good luck. There will be injuries."
- The library combines two of my favorite things: reading books and occasional shushing.
- I remember being young and getting up from my chair without swearing. Good times.
- You say 'alcoholism'. I say 'liver crossfit'.
- The next person that tells me that I use "old-timey vernacular" is going to get bopped in the kisser!
- I was quite the tetherball player back in school, but I decided not to pursue it.
- Being an adult looked way more fun when I was a kid. I mean, what even is this?
- I can tell summer is coming to a close because we're down to all the gross freezer pop flavors.
- I've somehow managed to collect a lifetime of knowledge and forgotten most of it.
- I may not look that old but my two favorite hobbies are grumbling and sneeze yelling.
- My goal is to be the best version of myself, as soon as I find my phone.
- Lack of sex will have you mad at everything. Like, who the hell put grass in the yard!
- It takes a village to raise an idiot. Or, something like that. We all helped.
- You know you're old when you're filling in your birthday online and you have to spin that year wheel like you're on Wheel of Fortune.
- A quick reminder before you lose it today: they don't serve alcohol in prison.
- If bedbugs got their name from being in beds, I have questions about the name 'cockroach'.
- I think I need professional help. A cook and a maid should do it.
- I'm addressing complaints about the lack of sophistication on this page by writing all future posts with a British accent.
- I always tell my kids how important it is for them to think for themselves, but they've got their own ideas about that.
- The older I get, the more I understand why cats always walk away mid-conversation.
- A quick gym update: I'm not there. Again.
TOP FIVE THINGS TO DO BEFORE SUMMER IS ALL OVER
- Try to identify that large plant in the backyard that ate one of the neighbors.
- Maybe try to start up the lawnmower again. Maybe.
- Hold a "Last Chance" barbecue for the neighbors, with all those things from the back of your fridge
- Write a nasty review about the neighborhood kids' lemonade stand
- Get around to taking down the Easter decorations
TOP FIVE NEW TV SHOWS THAT MOST LIKELY WON'T MAKE IT
- America's Next Top Laundry Folder
- CSI: Wal-Mart
- The Real Housewives of Math Teachers
- Survivor: In-Law Edition
- Keeping Up With The Accountants
TOP FIVE MOVIES TO WATCH TODAY ON NATIONAL DOG DAY
- When Harry Met Collie
- Jurassic Bark
- The Fast and the Furriest
- Indiana Bones
- The Bark Knight
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR FAVORITE BASEBALL TEAM ISN'T PLANNING TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS
- Stadium jumbo screen has been saying "See you next year" since June
- Only trade deadline acquisition was a mascot with "veteran leadership"
- Several players showing off "Wait until next year" tattoos
- Travel brochures everywhere
- Dugout Bunco games
Laugh a little, would ya?
