They say once you go WACK, you never go back

Pernod Ricard, the maker of Jameson whiskey, says they're experiencing weaker sales in America. Apparently, what this country needs is a second St. Patrick's Day.

President Donald Trump signed an executive order to change the name of Lake Ontario to "Lake America." Canadians say they don't need an executive order to give him a new name, but this is a family show and this story ends there.

84 percent of Americans are worried that their homes are not clean. Where do I plead guilty?

I remember when the kids wrote "Dust Me" on the coffee table five years ago. It was so cute, I just couldn't clean it.

Men are 75% more likely to get mad, or angry, while watching sports, than women. 100% of New York Jets fans need anger management intervention.

Pernod Ricard, the maker of Jameson whiskey, says they're experiencing weaker sales in America. Apparently, what this country needs is a second St. Patrick's Day.

President Donald Trump signed an executive order to change the name of Lake Ontario to "Lake America." Canadians say they don't need an executive order to give him a new name, but this is a family show and this story ends there.

84 percent of Americans are worried that their homes are not clean. Where do I plead guilty?

I remember when the kids wrote "Dust Me" on the coffee table five years ago. It was so cute, I just couldn't clean it.

Men are 75% more likely to get mad, or angry, while watching sports, than women. 100% of New York Jets fans need anger management intervention.

Amazon says they're going to expand their drone delivery service to some 500 markets by the end of this year. Look up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's... my printer cartridges!

Artist John Law, who co-founded the Burning Man Festival with Larry Harvey and Jerry James back in 1986, says the festival has "lost it's soul." It had one?

A belt is the most forgotten item at airport security. It's why I always make sure to wear underwear when I fly.

25 percent of married people say they would divorce their spouse if they won the lottery. So that's what my wife means when she says she's "part of the 25%."

In Virginia, a woman woke up the other night while having a dream that a field mouse was trying to get into her mouth. She woke up to find there was something trying to get into her mouth: an actual bat! Talk about your ultimate nightmare of waking up with bat breath!

Pabst Blue Ribbon is asking for help in finding whoever stole 40,000 pound of PBR beer that was stolen from a California distribution center two weeks ago. Suspects are described as pretty much everyone I went to college with 20 years ago....

Isn't it weird they call it "gluten-free" when they're charging you extra to make sure there's no gluten in it.

The average parent says a kid's birthday party lasts 3 hours. To me, they never seem that short.

The average woman has a favorite piece of clothing for 13 years. Question from a guy: Do 13-year clothes get into closet 1, or are they relegated to closets 2 or 3?

Stalk Tim on Linkedin, Threads, Instagram, TikTok and wherever finer social media posts are sold.

Big OOOPS from CNN last week, when they were doing a story on the passing of Dolly Parton and accidentally showed on screen a picture of a Las Vegas Dolly impersonator. Someone's broadcasting career was cut short.

Tiger Woods has lost his driver's license for five years in a last-minute plea deal. The world is, once again, a safer place.

Here's hoping that includes golf carts.

Researchers at the University of Arizona say that talking naturally to your dog can boost your well-being. So, for starters, just assume he's a good boy.

Scientists say that those GLP-1 drugs might actually slow aging... at least it has in mice. In a recent study, older female mice given semaglutide lived about 12% longer than those that didn't get the obesity medication. Of course, the tricky thing was teaching them to give themselves a shot.

Chevron is going to invest over $7-Billion in Venezuela over the next five years, which should result in them doubling oil production to roughly 600,000 barrels per day-more than half Venezuela's current output. Oh, and by the way, you paid for it.

Well, it's starting to look doubtful that I'll get to my summer body this year.

Phone chargers are the most common thing left behind in hotel rooms. Underwear is second. This is why I always keep my phone charger in my underwear.

I'm waiting for the first horror movie to come out of Hollywood where the people are being attacked by their food.

FROM FACEBOOK:

• I'm not saying I'm old, but back in the day, we used to pull maps out of the glove compartment and travel like pirates!
• IN THE PRODUCE SECTION: "We have enough groceries that could immediately make us ill. Let's grab some ultra-processed foods that will kill us more slowly."
• Now we hear that Canada is going to rename Lake Ontario "The Strait of Our Moose."
• ME AT MY 225TH RODEO: What the hell is going on?
• Capri Sun packages were designed to show kids how to do an emergency tracheotomy.
• Do I need to pray for leftovers? "Lord, it's me again, with this spaghetti."
• I threw a ball for my dog. Yeah, a bit extravagant, but it was his birthday and he looked great in a tuxedo.
• I trained my dog to get me a beer. It may not sound that impressive, but he gets them from the neighbor's fridge.
• I fully intend to haunt people when I die. I have a list.
• I asked my Grandpa, "You and Grandma have been married for 65 years and you still call her Darlin', Beautiful and Honey. What's your secret?" and said, "I forgot her name five years ago and I'm afraid to ask her."
• You're born. You watch pants go from baggy to skinny back to baggy every 10 years. Then you die.
• They say to "love yourself", but I think myself and me are better off just being friends.
• Is it safe to eat lettuce again or do I just keep eating bacon?
• Your turn signal isn't a spoiler. You can tell us all what happens next.
• You can throw away that coffee can full of screws you've collected. Whatever they belong to has survived without them. I promise.
• Every roll of aluminum foil tears diagonally. You can try to fight it, but you will lose. The inventors of the brochure have both suddenly passed away. RIP Pam Flett and her husband, Lee.
• Whenever someone asks what I'm doing later and my answer is "nothing" please understand that nothing is not an opening in my schedule. Nothing is the event. It is the plan.
• Once the Bangles hit it big, I'll bet their Mondays were pretty chill.
• The algorithm is always listening so fart all you want.
• The doorbell only rings when your house looks like it's been robbed.
• The smoke detector will never need a new battery at 2pm.
• Check in with your friends but also be sure to check in on your enemies and make sure they're not doing well.
• I'm past my last straw. I'm stealing other people's straws now.
• I accidentally invited people to our house and so now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
• They say to "love yourself", but I think myself and me are better off just being friends.
• Is it safe to eat lettuce again or do I just keep eating bacon?
• Your turn signal isn't a spoiler. You can tell us all what happens next.
• You can throw away that coffee can full of screws you've collected. Whatever they belong to has survived without them. I promise.
• Every roll of aluminum foil tears diagonally. You can try to fight it, but you will lose. The inventors of the brochure have both suddenly passed away. RIP Pam Flett and her husband, Lee.
• Whenever someone asks what I'm doing later and my answer is "nothing" please understand that nothing is not an opening in my schedule. Nothing is the event. It is the plan.
• Once the Bangles hit it big, I'll bet their Mondays were pretty chill.
• The algorithm is always listening so fart all you want.
• The doorbell only rings when your house looks like it's been robbed.
• The smoke detector will never need a new battery at 2pm.
• Check in with your friends but also be sure to check in on your enemies and make sure they're not doing well.
• I'm past my last straw. I'm stealing other people's straws now.
• I accidentally invited people to our house and so now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
• May whatever is bothering you today turn into a fart and leave your body.
• Friend: You were once someone's sunshine. Whatever happened to you? Me: Climate change.
• Whenever I'm eating nachos, I'm always thinking three nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
• The older I get, the heller the no.
• I don't know why I feel bad all the time, especially since I drink 8 glasses of water a year, like you're supposed to.
• That first sip of coffee makes me think I can handle people. Then people start people-ing and the whole theory falls apart.
• This morning's coffee is brought to you by, "Here we go again!"
• Sorry To-Do list, I've got Bugles on my fingers.
• As a kid, I would do anything in the world to stay up late. As an adult, I'm going to finish this post in the morning. It's getting late.
• Every time my dog's retractable leash smacks me on the knuckles, I wonder which one of us is actually being trained.
• I can't wait to stop complaining about the heat so I can complain about the cold.
• The perfect job for me would be the person who stains things for detergent commercials.
• What did 50-cent do when he got hungry? 58.
• I've had the same ceiling fan for years and I still pull the wrong chain first.
• Every day, I wake up and begin the 16-hour process of getting ready for bed.
• My spirit animal is that bird that knocks itself unconscious flying into a window.
• I often wonder why lemonade is made with artificial flavors but furniture polish is made with real lemons.
• If elected, I'll spare no expense tracking down the second, invisible 'r' in sherbet.
• The gym gives you energy, but you need energy to get to the gym. Seems like a pyramid scheme to me.
• I spent years mastering good grammar. Now, I intentionally drop punctuation so that no one accuses me of using A.I. to write.
• This getting old is a terrible thing. I blacked out for twenty minutes this morning, then I realized I'd put my hoodie on backwards.
• You're old if you remember calling the time of day on your phone to make sure all the clocks in your home were on time.
• What do you call a pizza topped with nothing but peppers? A pepper-only pizza.
• I was going to start my new diet today. But I've got too much on my plate right now.
• Just asked my 9-year-old son what he learned in school today. He said, "Apparently not enough because I have to go back tomorrow".
• I missed 2 of my mom's calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew that she called.
• The reason I don't like Facebook's memories is because they show me nine years ago wearing the same shirt I've got on now.
• Please be patient with me, I'm from the 1900s.
• The Dallas Cowboys visited a local orphanage. "It's just so heartbreaking to see all those faces with absolutely no hope," said one of the orphans.
• Crossing things off my to-do list. Didn't do them, I just don't want them on my list.
• Aging is weird. On paper I'm 40. In the gym, I feel 25. At 9pm, I'm 87.
• I really thought my wife was kidding when she said she wanted to see a Monkees cover band play in Switzerland. And then I saw her face. Now I'm in Geneva.
• Pennies have been discontinued so I will no longer be accepting anyone's two cents.
• A traveling salesman offered me a deal on a casket. I told him it was the last thing I needed.
• The fact that Hooters hasn't launched a home delivery service called Knockers seems like a missed business opportunity to me.
• What's the difference between a dog and a marine biologist? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
• If someone calls it "Lake America", tell them you don't speak pedophile.

CANADA'S TOP FIVE SUGGESTIONS IF WE INSIST ON CHANGING THE NAME OF LAKE ONTARIO

1. Lake Epstein
2. Lake Obama
3. Lake Natalie
4. The Strait of Our Moose
5. Lake Tim Hortons

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE A SERIOUS COLLEGE FOOTBALL FAN

1. You can explain the College Football Playoff format, but not your health insurance.
2. Your wardrobe is 80% team colors.
3. Your family has learned not to speak on third-and-long
4. There are goal posts on your laundry hamper
5. You just opened "The Church of College Game Day" with services on Saturdays

TOP FIVE REASONS TRUMP HAD 40 WILLOW TREES IN FRONT OF THE KENNEDY CENTER CUT DOWN

1. Most of the trees were leaning left
2. Had a falling out with the "My Willow" Guy
3. Just a precaution against possible terrorist squirrels
4. Really hated the movie, "Willow"
5. They wouldn't let him carve his name in them

Laugh a little, would ya?