They say once you go WACK, you never go back

People Magazine named Noah Wyle as their "Sexiest Man Alive." President Trump has called the publishers 'stupid people' and that it should have been him.

President Trump held a Halloween event at the White House last Thursday night so kids could trick or treat there. Kids going for the scary look came dressed as poll numbers.

I remember as a child, hoping to grow up to be a movie star or a baseball player. One of the career paths really appealing to kids these days is becoming a North Korean hacker.

Is it just me or does it just feel like an hour later?

OK, I turned all my clocks back an hour. Are you happy?

I haven't really been following the news lately. Is there an election tomorrow?

On the positive side, at least they never came up with Candy Creamed Corn. have they?

Director Michael Mann accidentally shot himself at a gun range over the weekend. He's expected to fully recover and remember to leave the safety on.

This is the time of year when I start identifying things I want, order them online and have them delivered as gifts from a "Secret Santa."

I hate how I spend the first day of Standard Time saying, "Yeah, the clock says that but it's REALLY..."

A guy name Karl Bushby has just returned to his mother's house in northern England after completing a 28-year journey to walk around the world. I'm imagining his dating life has pretty much sucked.

I don't know about you, but I kind of miss the political ads.

A man from England, Karl Bushby, has just completed a 28-year walk around the world, where he covered 30,000 miles. He says the worst part of the trip was waking up every night, wondering if he left the iron on.

Good morning! Taxes and fees may apply, your mileage may vary, ask your doctor if it's right for you.

Hula hoops are banned in Indonesia for "stimulating passion." Really? I must be doing it wrong.

It takes the average person 8 seconds to answer the phone. Not me -- it only takes me 4 seconds to send it to voicemail.

I've heard "Bluer Tsunami" and "Blue-nami", as well as "Orange Crush": your choice.

42% of adults under the age of 30 do not know how to do prepare a spaghetti dinner. We have failed.

Almost 15% of people think peanut butter should be kept in the fridge. 100% of those people have a very strong right wrist.

First Lady Melania Trump is trying to be a peacemaker, inviting representatives from Ukraine and Russia to the White House today. Wow, if she ended up winning a Nobel Prize, it could make for a really awkward Thanksgiving.

Well, there goes that $5,000 check.

Barbie has had more than 200 different jobs. Her resume is available in paperback and audiobook.

A study says that swearing at work helps to relieve stress. Swearing at your boss helps reduce paychecks.

Bob Dylan met with Pope Leo this week. The pope asked the singer to stop knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door and use the doorbell.

FROM FACEBOOK:

• If people don't like you, it's ok. You only need to be concerned if dogs don't like you. Then it's time for some self-reflection.
• I just wish Mitch McConnell was still alive to see all this.
• I guess we're not getting a $5000 check. How about a $10 gift card from the Cheesecake Factory?
• I come from a long line of people who should have gone to therapy.
• What am I supposed to do now? Just post about coffee and stuff?
• I'm not a morning person. More like a morning zombie, preferring coffee to brains.
• I'll judge how important my call is to you based on the listenability of the on-hold music.
• OK, hear me out: Helium Karaoke!
• How do I take my coffee? Aggressively.
• I pretended to throw away a box of cords, but then secretly kept it in case I need one.
• If people are waiting, I always limit myself to three trips through revolving doors.
• You may remember me from such incidents as, "Hey, who ate all the pumpkin bread?"
• If I were to rate candy bar sizes on the fun scale, I would say 'fun size' is the least fun.
• How does the Little Mermaid decide which ones are her friends and which ones are her bra?
• My dentist made my dentures out of deer bone. So yeah, I have buck teeth.
• The hardest thing about carving a pumpkin these days is finding a newspaper to spread out on the table.
• 3,024 years from now, it'll either be really great or really awful. It's 5050.
• If you can't sleep at night, it's usually because you're awake. Hope that helps.
• I accidentally responded to an email with, "Let's take this outside" instead of "Let's take this offline" during a Teams meeting today. Now I'm pretty sure I have to fight everyone in the parking lot at 4pm.
• I've been to a lot of places but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you have to be there with someone else.
• I hate when I forget to mention something during an argument. It's like, "Hey, let's argue again. I have better ammunition."
• People are surprised when I tell them I have a police record. But I just like their music.
• My grocery list: Don't run into anyone you know and eggs.
• Label: Not dishwasher safe. Me: You're going in. Good luck in there.
• Dear naps, sorry for treating you like a jerk when I was a kid.
• Who's in favor of bringing back Roman numerals? I for one.
• One thing my dog and I have in common is that neither of us are happy when someone knocks on the door.
• When you're startled by a loud fart, you're 'fartled'.
• If you are waiting for the waiter, doesn't that make you the waiter?
• Today I broke my record for consecutive days lived.
• If it weren't for Facebook, I never would have reunited with those high school friends I don't remember.
• Excuse me, Pumpkin Spice, but could you scooch over? Peppermint Mocha is in the house.
• This page is going to be out of commission for a while. I'm having to deal with a ripe avocado time crunch.
• OK, all of those giant skeletons, back in the closet!
• The breakfast special is Halloween candy and coffee for the foreseeable future.
• On Halloween, we put out a bowl of candy and a neighborhood live stream so we could see which parents are doing a good job.
• Just betwixt you and me, I've eaten too much of a certain candy bar.
• Don't you just love it when you wake up and it's not Monday?
• Dear Great Pumpkin, please do something about your evil cousin.
• No one tells you that adulthood is 90% buying yourself treats so you don't descend into psychosis.
• I woke up this morning, determined to drink less, eat right and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
• In honor of the winter solstice, I will also be cold, distant, and filled with darkness.
• Starting this weekend, anyone who even mildly annoys me is having their phone number handed out to every child I come across and told that it's Santa's Hotline.
• Hard to believe I used to be 7 pounds, 8 ounces. I really let myself go.
• Experts say that you should wait 90 minutes before drinking that first cup of coffee, but... no!
• Them: Listen to your body. Me: But my body says, "Eat a Cinnamon Roll the size of a tire!"
• I have met my quota for meeting stupid people this year. No more applications are being accepted. Thank you.
• I'm finally old enough to do anything I want, but I'm too tired to do it.
• I know the weather is cooling down, but a reminder that deodorant is a four seasons thing.
• I have zero tolerance for racism, turkey bacon, decaf coffee, and non-alcoholic beer.
• Remember when I asked for you opinion? Me neither.
• Don't argue with people on social media. Every classroom had that kid who ate paste-that's probably who you're arguing with.
• Being a functional adult every day seems a bit excessive.
• The first person who ate an oyster must have been incredibly brave or lost bet.
• The mayor from JAWS is still the mayor in JAWS 2...which is why it's so important for you to vote in your local elections!
• Halloween just ended and I'm already sick of Christmas music.
• I've become so good at ghosting, my ex tried to reach me through a medium.
• The fall weather forecast-sunny and warm until you're too far away to go back for a jacket.
• If you start with telling me that I look tired, I'm going to ask you if everything's OK at home.
• Pro Tip: If you get called to jury duty, bring your own gavel. Establish dominance early.
• I need some kind of cation-a vacation, a staycation, medication or intoxication.
• My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.
• I put my scale in timeout. It knows what it did.

TOP FIVE THINGS TURKEYS ARE GOOGLING FOR IN NOVEMBER

1. Signs your farmer is acting suspicious.
2. Where do I buy clip on peacock feathers?
3. Countries with no Thanksgiving and immediate visa requirements.
4. Can I identify as a large chicken?
5. How to look less delicious.

TOP FIVE PIVOTAL MOMENTS OF YOUR THANKSGIVING

1. Cousin Charlie brought a 30-piece set so he could take home all the leftovers
2. Uncle Hank was the winner and had the closest guess on when the smoke alarm would go off
3. Someone brings up the classic, "Tom versus Hen" argument
4. When grandma blurts out, "That's not how you make dressing."
5. When the first argument breaks out before the turkey's done

TOP FIVE SIGNS IT'S DEFINITELY NOVEMBER

1. The increasing popularity of the phrase, "Wait-didn't the sun just come up?"
2. You're patting yourself on the back for leaving the Christmas lights up all year
3. Your morning nap and afternoon merge to become one.
4. McRib Mondays!
5. The inside of your Jack O'Lantern is a serious shade of

Laugh a little, would ya?