According to a new survey, Americans are losing friends over politics at a record rate. I'll have to ask my two remaining friends if that's happening to them, too.
A new study out of Europe claims that people who eat more ultra processed foods have a higher risk of cardiovascular disease and death. If you get to choose between the two, choose cardiovascular disease.
The average American ignores Check engine light on their car for up to four months. Of course, the actual amount of time depends on the engine.
21% of us refuse to eat a fortune cookie. Especially if the fortune says, "This cookie is poisoned."
I've got mom's Mother's Day gift figured now. Now, how to wrap a gallon of gas...
If you watched the Oscars, you saw Pavel Talankin receive an Academy Award for his film, Mr. Nobody Against Putin. When he flew home, TSA would not let him carry his Oscar on the jet, so they insisted that he check it in. He did and it was never seen again. The airline lost it. We won't mention the name of the airline, but it rhymes with Rufthansa.
A new study says that financial stress can make you age faster. To be honest, I'm hoping to make it to the end of the show.
56% of people in a survey say their budget does not exist while on vacation. Very reminiscent of the old philosophy, "How can I be out of money when I still have checks?"
According to a recent survey the #1 thing that men fear most is swimming with sharks. The #2 thing that men fear most is proposing marriage. This is why there has never been a case in recorded history of a man proposing to a shark. Among other reasons...
Sally sells seashells to James Comey by the seashore and should be arrested.
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has announced that they will not allow A.I. actors or A.I. generated scripts to win an Oscar. This will not please our machine overlords.
In my next life, I want to be reincarnated as a text message so my wife will actually pay attention to me.
Just knowing I won't be hearing "May the 4th be with you" for another year makes me happy.
Time to get out there and hit those "After Met Gala Sales!"
35% of people say they have never used the horn in their car before. Those people don't live anywhere near me.
82% of women agree that men over 30 should never wear earrings. Hey, when you've got a cool pair of black socks and sandals, who needs earrings?
Awful lot of firing you got going on there for a cease-fire. Just sayin'...
The town of Fenglin in Taiwan embraces its slow lifestyle. So much, they hold annual snail races. Cool thing about snail races: when they start, you still have time to run to the restroom, grab lunch, go to a movie and then get back in time for the finish.
KFC has a new $10 "Bucket of the Day" deal. Perfect for those of us with fried chicken on our bucket lists.
Most people say that dusting is the most boring household job. Not if you use a leaf blower.
The average man gets a new belt every two years. Hey, how about that? I'm an over-achiever!
The results of a new study shows that the more belly fat you have the more your brain shrinks. What concerns me is, I don't know what that means.
NASA has dropped 12,000 additional photos from that recent Artemis trip around the moon, breaking the record I set during my last vacation to the U.K. by 352.
What this country needs are nail salons with subtitles!
A woman will complain about her husband or boyfriend nearly three times a day until she's around 50. Then, as you may know, she'll release the Krakens!
On average, we spend about 55 minutes each day looking for things we can't find. You know, and it's funny, I had that survey around here somewhere...
Thursday was World Password Day. I'm assuming, in honor of all those passwords we've lost over the years.
FROM FACEBOOK:
- My days are backwards. I wake up tired and go to bed wide awake!
- I am phasing out any piece of clothing that requires me to hold my breath or say a brief prayer before sitting down.
- I heard someone call the Kentucky Derby "Amish NASCAR" and I haven't been the same.
- I once sold home security systems door-to-door. If they weren't at home, I'd leave a brochure for them on their kitchen table.
- I really think they should have domesticated bears 10,000 years ago. I could be cuddling with a bear right now, but, whatever...
- I require nine hours of sleep, three specific pillows, and absolute silence just to wake up feeling vaguely irritated.
- He drove 40 miles to bring me fries. That's either love or he did something really wrong.
- Adding items to my cart and then closing the app is my new hobby.
- I turned 30 and suddenly, every chair is a place to sit down and say, "Ooof!"
- The older you get, the more you realize that your parents were winging it all the time and hoping for the best.
- I put my phone on 'Do Not Disturb' back in 2021 and forgot to turn it off.
- There is no 'we' in chocolate.
- If we're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
- I love my job... especially when I'm on vacation.
- If you were looking for a Star Wars joke from me yesterday, on May the 4th then you were looking in Alderaan places.
- When is "Supposed to know better" going to kick in?
- Being an adult is using a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser on something and then spending the rest of the day seeing what else you can use it on.
- It turns out that a ceiling fan will cut a bagel in half, even at high speed. I also need a new window.
- I wouldn't mind having a split personality if the other one would do the housework.
- A large group of people is called a "no thanks."
- When making a sex tape, always play Disney music in the background. That way, if it gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have it taken down. You're welcome.
- It's OK, laundry. Nobody is doing me, either.
- FIT-ish: Semi-fit; Someone who likes the idea of being fit but equally likes food, too.
- Dear perfume wearers, a hint: PFT is enough. PFT, PFT, PFT, PFT, PFT, PFT is way too much.
- So let me get this straight. All this time the song lyric 8675309 has really been a death threat to a whole Dallas zip code?
- My Super Power is writing up a very detailed grocery shopping list that includes everything we need and then leaving it at home.
- President Trump announced that Giuliani's last wish was to buried with the Epstein files.
- The unspoken rule of my refrigerator is that the healthy leftovers must remain untouched until they visibly transform into a terrifying science experiment.
- One day, I will start behaving myself, but not today. Actually, tomorrow's not looking good, either.
- So rude for Iran to be firing missiles after 37 truth social posts about how they've been defeated. It's like they didn't even read them.
- After four minutes into my run, I decided to work on my personality instead.
- Another potentially fine day ruined by responsibility.
- I will not be awkward today. At the drive-thru: I'd like a pleaseburger, cheese.
- I'm officially leaving Facebook. I spend far too much time on here. Take care everyone. I'll be back in 10 minutes.
- Its not procrastination if I have no intention of ever doing it.
- No need to drive me crazy. I'm close enough to walk from here.
- I feel like I'm already tired for tomorrow.
- Has anyone else ever turned on the wrong burner and cooked absolutely nothing for 20 minutes?
- Friend: What are your hobbies? Me: I enjoy coming home, being home, sitting at home, staying at home and making plans to stay at home.
- I don't have a "Dad bod." I prefer the term, "Father Figure."
- There's someone for everyone and the person for you is a psychiatrist.
- Feeling good about yourself? Ask a kid to draw a picture of you.
- Stop checking your ex's profile or you might earn a "Top Fan" badge.
- I feel like I should clean the house. I'm going to take a nap until that feeling passes.
TOP FIVE THINGS WE BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT STAR WARS
- Yoda's last name was actually "Man"
- Luke Skywalker has never bought a Father's Day card
- Chewbacca once won the "Wookie of the Year" award
- In one of the movies, there was an invisible drone: C-through-PO
- Darth Vader's sister's name was Ella
TOP FIVE STAR WARS NAMES FOR RACE HORSES
- Jar Jar Can't Open
- Chew Bacca-Wacca
- Darth Tater
- C3-PO'd
- Yoda Best
TOP FIVE WORST POSSIBLE MOTHER'S DAY GIFTS
- Another "From Your Favorite Child" coffee cup with your picture on it
- A bottle of non-alcoholic wine
- A book titled "There Are Moms Way Worse Than You"
- A Wonder Girdle
- A new designer mop
TOP FIVE THINGS NOT TO SAY TO MOM THIS SUNDAY ON MOTHER'S DAY
- "I turned out great, so you're welcome."
- "Could I borrow some money to pay for your gift?"
- "Thank God this is almost over for another year."
- Say, "This is nice, but I prefer Father's Day."
- Yell out, "Ma! Need more coffee!"
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT CAMPING
- Need to have a recipe card for S'mores
- The Tempur-pedic mattress seems a bit excessive
- Spent half an hour trying to find where to plug in the Espresso machine
- You went through a whole box of matches and still, no fire
- You brought everything except tent stakes
Laugh a little, would ya?
