A Blue Origin New Glenn rocket blew up during a test on a launchpad at the Cape Canaveral Space Force Station in Florida last Thursday. Making matters worse, moments later, Jeff Bezos got a survey from Amazon that said, "Please rate our delivery."
Maybe Blue Origin needs to get out of the space business and get more into fireworks displays. Just sayin'...
The cheeseburger was invented in 1926 at a restaurant called the Rite Spot in Pasadena, California. Wait a minute-it's the 100th anniversary of the cheeseburger. And there's no national holiday?
One out of three people has had a date ruined by talking politics. How would that ever seem like a good idea. Especially, when they're probably wrong.
Anyone else being bombarded with Costco Meat spam in their email? I've easily gotten 30 of them. Not funny, but true!
The White House finally released the results of President Trump's latest physical. Doctors say he's gained 14 pounds since his last exam, mostly in fifties and hundreds.
A soccer joke from my buddy, Doug: Do you know why gunslingers had shootouts? Because they were tied after overtime.
To all the graduates of the Class of 2026, congratulations! But we're not hiring.
The U.S. Treasury Department is continuing with the idea of putting President Trump's picture on a new $250 bill, even though the law says, "Only the portrait of a deceased individual may appear on United States currency and securities." OK, so there's some negotiating room...
One in three of us have sent a text in our sleep. That's the explanation I'm giving to my boss and I'm sticking with it!
In a Men's Health survey, 7% of guys say, at one time or another, they owned a neon beer sign. That always seemed like a waste of money to me. That's why I went with a neon Scotch sign!
Just another day of waking up and finding out which parts of my body the Aches & Pains Fairy visited last night.
To all the members of the Class of 2026: You're so screwed!
Sabrina Carpenter has filed for a restraining order against a guy named William Applegate, who she says, allegedly went to her Los Angeles home on May 23rd "unannounced and uninvited." Perhaps, too much espresso?
Scott Pelley accused Bari Weiss of "murdering" 60 Minutes in a tense exchange during a staff meeting this week with the show's new executive producer. No one knows how long Scott will continue to be with CBS but I'm thinking 60 minutes would have to be one of the guesses.
While most of the other artists of the Freedom 250 concert dropped out, Vanilla Ice said he'd performer "for anyone, including Russian President Vladimir Putin." Putin responded with, "Don't you threaten me!"
The three most often played songs in the U.S. are "Happy Birthday," "The Star Spangled Banner" and "Take Me Out To The Ballgame." So, when you think about it, if you have your birthday party at a baseball game, you'll get all three.
If cash really is king, that explains why should consider me a "No Kings" person.
I have a question about virgin olive oil: how are we supposed to know about the olive's dating habits?
GQ has done a power ranking of the actors most likely to be the next James Bond. Apparently, I'm out of the running.
Sharon Osbourne says that they're talking about doing a cartoon version of their TV series, "The Osbournes", for a whole new generation of fans. Hey, those kids aren't going to learn their bad habits all by themselves.
They say the California Primary Election Results are too close to call, so we're going to text instead.
A Florida mother has filed a federal lawsuit against The Campbell's Company and Walmart, claiming that the SpaghettiO's she bought at Wal-Mart contained worms. Oh-Oh.....
I'm doing this new exercise where I shop for bargains while I work out. It's called Tai Cheap.
Biggest regret of my life: spending so much of my life having regrets.
The average person replaces an umbrella every 3 years. It takes me that long to find where I put it.
Studies show wearing lavender or having a lavender air freshener will make people trust you. So, beware lavender-scented A.I..
FROM FACEBOOK:
- Adulting is basically googling 'how long do leftovers last' every day.
- If sarcasm burned calories, I'd be a fitness model.
- What do you call a cup of coffee with a sixth sense? Deja brew
- If you're bored at work, walk up and ask your coworker, "Did they talk to you yet?" and then walk away.
- My neighbors were listening to some pretty cool music until they ask me to turn it down
- Hello to everyone except those people who leave 1 second on the microwave and walk away.
- I got a raise today. OK, it was for my medication dosage, but a win's a win.
- My life coach just told me I didn't make the team.
- About to pull the steaks off the grill. It's my neighbor's grill but he went inside and I don't think he can see me.
- Tough day on Facebook. I still don't know what you're supposed to comment under a photo of new baby, but I've learned it's not, "Yikes!"
- It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
- I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies.
- Did you know that if you sneeze and fart at the same time, your body takes a screenshot?
- Just waiting for someone to invent fitness wine so I can really take off on my fitness journey.
- As we say in Washington state, "You don't need a summer body if your state doesn't have a summer."
- Barn Owls were so excited when humans finally started building barns.
- When life gives you melons, you need a proofreader.
- My whole purpose of sending you a text was getting a response in a minute or two. Otherwise, I would have mailed you the question.
- I wonder if the guy who came up with the term, "One hit wonder" came up with any other phrases.
- I'm quiet because my internal lawyer advised me not to finish most of my sentences.
- If you keep your AC any higher than 73, please don't invite me to your terrarium.
- 'Horrible' and 'Terrible' are synonyms. But 'horrific' and 'terrific' are opposites. Why?
- It's OK funds, I'm insufficient, too.
- I'd like to have children one day. But no longer than that.
- Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done with access to Amazon Prime.
- Not being able to teleport continues to be a huge inconvenience for me.
- My Sunday rule: Can't reach it, don't need it.
- I came across a recipe that calls for leftover bacon. You might as well require dragon loin or unicorn shanks.
- Say that you will about Trump, but he's ended the war with Iran more times than any other president in history.
- I wonder what that part of my brain that used to remember things is up to today?
- I hate when people think they can just waltz into my room when what I'm listening to is clearly in 4/4 time.
- Everyone laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well...they're not laughing now.
- Can the makers of Oreo please just sell the white middle stuff in a jar, so I can reach my hot mess dumpster fire peak?
- We should be able to call in 'healthy' to work. "Look, I'm not coming in today. I'm feeling great and I don't want to waste it on being at work!"
- I'm watching "Indiana Jones" for the first time. Do archeologists typically kill this many people?
- Why are rollercoasters named after torture devices and hurricanes named after my grandma?
- Paper towel commercials are so fake. It's always a kid spilling a glass of juice, never a cat throwing up.
- I love board games, especially the ones where you arrange meat and cheese and crackers and grapes and then eat it. I'm so good at that one.
- Great. I just got in touch with my inner child and he has Cooties.
- An apple a day does keep the doctor away if you throw it hard enough.
- A moment of silence for all the friends we've lost on social media because of the stuff we post.
- Apologies to the older folks we used to judge for eating dinner at 5 and being in bed by 9. You guys were really on to something.
- I will never understand people's fascination with their ancestry. Isn't knowing your current family bad enough?
- I asked Siri, why am I so bad with women? She replied, "I'm Alexa, you moron!"
- If they don't expect you to dance in the grocery store aisles, why do they play music?
- Not to brag, but I'm finally out of bed.
- Stop complaining about your wife. There are people out there dating your ex.
- Barbie didn't give me a poor body image. She taught me that you can't reattached a head once you remove it from a body.
- The answer may not appear at the bottom of a beer bottle, but you might as well check.
- At my age, I've seen it all, I've heard it all, I've done it all. I just don't remember it all.
TOP FIVE WAYS TO CELEBRATE NATIONAL CHEESE DAY
- Say out loud, "What a friend we have in cheeses."
- Be all that you can Brie.
- Serve something that's Nacho typical dinner.
- Be a Gouda boy.
- Cheddar at the thought.
TOP FIVE MOST FRIVOLOUS LAWSUITS YOU COULD FILE
- Seek compensation for an old "Slug Bug" injury
- Also sue them for barbecuing and ruining your latest diet
- Suing your neighbor for mowing their lawn before you had coffee
- Sue Smokey Bear for insisting I'm the only one who can prevent forest fires
- Sue your sister to finally settle the fact she's looking at you
TOP FIVE THINGS YOU COULD DO FOR DAD THIS YEAR ON FATHER'S DAY
- Keep score of how many times he grunts when getting up
- Volunteer to pull a shift of guard duty, to make sure no one touches the thermostat
- Sit down on the couch by him for a round of Nap Racing-who can doze off first.
- Ask to hear his 10-minute presentation on how to properly close a chip bag
- Not give him a hard time about that black socks and sandals look of his
Laugh a little, would ya?
