In Tennessee, they're rethinking that old phrase, "Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."
They say Jay Clayton will likely be President Trump's pick for AI czar. I wonder what makes him so unqualified?
The talk in Los Angeles is about one of their radio stations where the co-host of the show is... AI. That won't happen here. Our ownership has a serious no-intelligence policy when it comes to this show.
A study found that left-handed people are three times more likely to show up late than right-handed people. Well, that explains absolutely nothing.
An estimated 75% of people that have a pool table say they almost never use it. Yeah, I was actually thinking about getting a pool table and then I remembered a very important thing-we already had one!
Yeah, that's what my life was missing-political commercials.
Today is the first of two Prime Big Deal Days on Amazon Prime. However, why am I going to waste any time giving a plug for that monster of a capitalist-inspired wallet vacuum aimed at sucking away every dollar we have when I could be shopping? Gotta go!
They have Ozempic pens-when the heck are they going to come out with an Ozempic pencil?
The good news when it comes to the movie "Digger"-it will probably be on streaming way sooner than they had planned.
In Maine, Sarah Whitty has grown a 170-pound zucchini, which is a new North American record.
- The toughest part of it all was dragging over to the neighbor's porch when they weren't at home.
- She'll be eating zucchini bread well into 2034.
I survived Amazon's "Big Deal Days" and I'm so glad it's over. I'm kinda getting tired of "read an article, order something from Amazon. Read an article, order something from Amazon..."
President Trump said at a campaign rally the other night that Iran "can take out a city. Let them take out Los Angeles. Let them take out San Diego." On the positive side, it would speed up the baseball playoffs.
Remind me again why I need something because it's one of Oprah's favorite things?
The U.S. trade deficit has soared to $105.6-billion. You know, $100-billion here, $100 bill there...after a while, it starts to add up!
A new study says that vegetables today are half as nutritious as they were back in the 1960s because of declining soil quality. And that's why I stick with bacon.
They're now talking about getting rid of the nickel next year, as each one costs 13 cents to make. I was willing to give you a nickel for your thoughts, but a dime's where I draw the line.
One out of four people wish they could make their coffee at home every morning. I'll show you how to do that for 50-bucks.
The average four year old asks "why?" about 48 times a day. Of course, the big question: "Why?"
At one time 90% of kids played jump rope, but today, only 34% of kids have ever done it. I was actually going to try and jump rope today, but I decided to skip it.
Uh, Linkedin -- just so you know, one person noticing my profile doesn't really impress me.
Wal-Mart says they're going to start drone deliveries soon in Seattle. What worries me is that my neighbor is a bowler.
If "Cash is King", they must be holding a "No Kings" rally in my wallet.
The U.S.S. Lincoln returned to San Diego after over 300 days at sea. When asked what they were most looking forward to, most of the sailors said, "To catch a Padres playoff game!"
According to a recent survey, 2pm is the latest in the day you should cancel any plans for that day. That's why I always bail at exactly 1:59pm. I'm a considerate guy.
From Facebook:
- My favorite part of fall is when the mosquitoes go back to hell.
- I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making more.
- When poison is past its expiration day, is it more dangerous or does it no longer work?
- I hate when I run out of Halloween candy when I'm in the parking lot of the grocery store where I just bought the candy.
- I'm rich! Silver in the hair, gold in the teeth, crystals in the kidneys.
- I have to snap my fingers when I remember something, but that makes me think of the Addams Family song, which makes me forget what I was remembering.
- Yeah, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all that walking.
- Be the person that lights up a person's life. Whether you use a sparkling personality or a flame thrower is up to you.
- A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they're dirty.
- I'm not financially ready to retire, but I am joint pain ready.
- My ADHD superpower is being able to hyperfocus on the task not on hand.
- If I had to describe my life as a movie scene, it would be the part in Elf where he gets hit by a taxicab and then thanks them.
- OK, I may be boring but that's because I don't have access to the premium personality package.
- I like to play Nap Roulette. That's where I lie down and take a nap but don't set an alarm. Will it be 30-minutes? Or four hours?
- No offense to my younger self, but what was the vision?
- Wanted: Someone to feed me Cheetos, so I don't get orange on my fingers. Please, no weirdos.
- I love how people are all up in arms about pronouns and then not a peep when candy corn has the audacity to call itself 'candy'.
- My favorite conspiracy theory: that everything is going to be OK.
- Being liked by everyone is a clown's job, by the way.
- If you're happy and you know it, what medication combo are you on?
- I just love how my life has a plot twist each month.
- If people don't like you, that's OK. If dogs don't like you, then you need to work on yourself.
- Why is there so much day left at the end of my energy?
- They say one friend out of every group has the potential to become a serial killer. So, I threw Dave a cliff just in case it was him.
- If you ever see me eating a salad in public, please call the police. I'm in trouble.
- You know what's getting really old? Getting old.
- Lucky for me, I don't have enough friends for an intervention.
- Can we just not do passwords anymore? I'm pretty sure all of my data has already been breached.
- It was the candy corniest of times. It was the black licoricestiest of times.
- If you're ever attacked by a group of taxidermists, don't play dead.
- Today, I want to make some homemade black licorice. What ingredients do I need besides sugar and Worcestershire sauce?
- Some of my most profound thoughts come between sips of coffee. For example, right now I'm thinking of how long I should wait until my next sip of coffee.
- I'm only afraid of storm drain clowns.
- I just noticed that Delta Dawn is no longer stuck in my brain. Oh-oh....
- Has anyone lived long enough to need a second bottle of Worcestershire sauce?
- I laugh at my own jokes because I'm the target audience. You just happen to be there.
- Haikus are simple. But sometimes, they make no sense. Velociraptor.
- Someone once told me, "You're never going to forget me." I just don't remember who it was...
- They said technology would remove unnecessary work. Now I have sixty passwords, fourteen verification codes and a robot asking me to prove I'm not a rabbit.
- I wish my life had background music so I could at least know if I'm in a drama, comedy or horror show.
- I love when doctors say "Avoid stress" like I can just unsubscribe from the economy and become a decorative gargoyle.
- I just noticed my bottled water has an expiration date. Seriously? It's water. What happens Thursday?
- I'm thinking of getting a pet to go jogging with me. How much do turtles cost?
- ME ON THE PHONE WITH MY KID: I just fell off a 50-foot ladder. KID: Oh my gosh. Are you OK? ME: Yeah, I was only on the first step.
- I received a wedding invitation that said, "Your presence is a gift. We don't want any gifts at the wedding." So, am I invited or not?
- Lead me not into temptation. Oh, who are we kidding? Follow me, I know a shortcut!
- The problem is, I have one good shoulder to sleep on and one good hip to sleep on and they're on opposite sides.
- Life update: My knee just made a new sound today.
- Well, I failed bikini season, but I'm going to crush hoodie and sweatpants season.
- Being a mom is hearing a noise at 3am and hoping it's a ghost and not a kid.
- This year felt like being awake during surgery.
- My house is haunted by the world's most boring ghost. The dude can walk through walls, yet he still takes the hallway.
- At 2am, I don't need a smart refrigerator. Just one smart enough to say, "Relax, that was just ice."
- Enough, already. I'll come sail away with you. Sheesh!
- I don't have anything interesting to say today, so don't bother reading this.
- I have five gallons of unleaded gas. Willing to trade for a 4-bedroom home on 2 acres.
- Imagine being an angel and your entire job is watching humans invent flavored mayonnaise and argue online.
- Never let an angry mom brush your hair.
TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT YES, SUMMER IS DEFINITELY OVER
- Last night, you turned your electric blanket up to 'broil'
- Only three non-football hours of TV during the weekends
- Once again, the thermostat has become the center of every family argument
- Your summer to-do list gets the official "OK, well, maybe next year" blessing
- You spend two hours searching for the ice scraper you haven't used since last winter.
TOP FIVE WAYS HAS ALREADY BEEN A TOUGH WEEK
- You've started forgetting why you're going into a room before even walking into it
- You just spent ten minutes looking for your phone while using its flashlight.
- It's the 6-month anniversary of your smoke alarm battery dying at 3am
- You just found out you don't get Columbus Day off
- Your password hint is "something obvious," and you still need three attempts.
TOP FIVE FALL THINGS THAT SOMEONE NEEDS TO INVENT
- A Smart Rake: that keeps track of exactly how many leaves you've raked
- A silencer for leaf blowers
- Spider Web Detectors, that warn you you're about to walk into one
- Pumpkin-free Pumpkin Spiced Lattes
- Non-allergenic hay rides
TOP FIVE WAYS THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF JEFF BEZOS WAS ELECTED PRESIDENT
- At White House press briefings, Prime members would get questions answered first
- The State of the Union would end with: "If you enjoyed this speech, please leave a five-star review."
- Air Force One would be replaced by Prime One
- Tax returns would offer, "subscribe and save!"
- All campaign promises would be delivered in two days
Laugh a little, would ya?
