They say, "The buck stops here." I'm here. Where's the money?
Remember, there are absolutely no exceptions. Except for this one.
The average American household hangs on to instruction manuals for an average of 6 years. Yup. They're in a drawer. Maybe one of these days, I might actually read a couple of them...
Close to 33% of women say a potato reminds them of their husband. The same women say that also a couch does that, too.
A study says your excess body fat can be blamed on your grandparents smoking. Of course, the important thing: we have someone to blame.
Washington State banned Kalshi yesterday. The good news, I bet on that. The bad news -- I have no way to claim my winnings.
A federal judge in Boston has thrown out the Trump administration's case against Harvard. Well, maybe he's more of a Yale man.
20% of dads embarrass their kids when they cheer at sporting events. I always gave my kids 100%!
If your windows sweat, you may be entitled to condensation.
To think, if Tommy John was never injured, we might never have heard of him.
What's the big deal about Flock cameras? And why are so many people raising sheep?
A custom model of Ferrari's first electric vehicle, the Luce, sold for $40 million over the weekend. I couldn't even afford the free napkins in the glovebox.
A Little League team from Iowa is being accused of stealing and relaying signs during a recent game. Why, those little Astros.........
Beaver attacks are rare in Maryland, but they've had three over the past couple of weeks. Dam.
Seven out of 10 dogs will get a Christmas gift. Well, that makes sense. The other 3 out of 10 probably celebrate Hannukah.
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are moving back to the U.K.! We will not be getting any of our last six years back.
Yes, we're sending Prince Harry back to the U.K. in exchange for a disgraced royal to be named later.
The U.S. National Debt has surpassed $40-Trillion. That's double what it was in 2016! Well, you know, a trillion here and a trillion there and after a while, it adds up!
39% of singles judge other singles by their grammar. Hey, I only judge if their English is worserest than mine.
The #1 thing forgotten by adults is where they put their keys, number two is what they need at the store. It's just a good thing that you need those keys to actually get to the store.
FROM FACEBOOK:
- A bad day hiking is still better than a good day at work, unless you're eaten by a bear. Then it's a tie.
- Welcome to middle age. Now you can take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
- I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking about making a few more.
- If he ghosts you after you sleep with him, give me his phone number. I'll call him and say we found your body and he was the last person you were seen with.
- Pets: The only members of your family you actually like.
- Lord, whatever you're baking outside-it's done!
- You know you're over 50 when you get up from the couch to find your glasses, do six other things and then sit down on your couch again. Without your glasses.
- Doctor: You just need to eat less sweets, drink less and do more cardio. Me: So it's terminal.
- If mediums can talk with the dead, imagine what an extra large could do!
- Your shadow exists because that light that traveled around 93 million miles was deprived of reaching the last two feet because of you.
- My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets. The answer was a piece of cake.
- I know better days are coming but, like, when? I'd like a date, please.
- Your boyfriend's a doctor? Well, my boyfriend is the head coach of an imaginary football team for the next fourth months!
- I love being home, in oversized clothes, looking ugly in peace.
- I'm so glad I turned that barely noticeable pimple into an open wound.
- I've got some openings today, if anyone needs to be put in their place.
- Smiling politely and telling the hairstylist you love the haircut while mentally calculating how many weeks you can survive wearing a baseball cap is an elite acting performance.
- I spend all day operating on pure exhaustion, only for my brain to unlock surge of prime creative energy at 11:45 PM.
- Having to prove I am a human by clicking every square containing a bicycle just to pay a water bill feels deeply insulting.
- Replying "sounds great!" to a text message I barely skimmed is my most reliable coping mechanism.
- My wife keeps asking me to go to an escape room with her. I don't think I can get out of it.
- Half of my problems are because I said "Sure!" instead of "No!"
- Being a mom means going to bed worn out and waking up worn out.
- You know, that sounded so much smarter in my head.
- Thank you for being friends with me. Baffling decision, but thank you.
- Let's get common courtesy going again. After coffee, of course.
- Sometimes, I like to tell people, "I hope is as pleasant as you are", then watch their face as they try to figure out if that was a compliment or not.
- Thanks to menopause, my internal thermometer now has two operating modes: Ice Age and Hell.
- ME: My memory is so messed up. FRIEND: How bad is it? ME: How bad is what?
- If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.
- Apparently you can't use beef stew as a password. It's not stroganoff.
- Dating these days is basically choosing which red flags you're going to ignore.
- Remember back when we thought people in their 30s were successful adults and had their lives together?
- I saw a microbiologist today. He was much bigger than I expected.
- Your future doctor is using ChatGPT to get through exams right now, so please start eating better and exercising.
- Did you ever realize that your nipples are older than your teeth?
- If you get past the ADHD, the sarcasm, the slightly rude tone and the hatred for small talk, I'm actually quite delightful!
- I'm not crazy, I'm just not compatible with reality.
- I don't make mistakes, I make spicy decisions.
- Due to personal reasons, I have decided to continue posting jokes on Facebook rather than getting professional help.
- Why do baby clothes have pockets? Who's going to walk up to a baby and say, "Here, hold this?"
- Yesterday, I decided I was finally done overthinking. Today, I spent three hours thinking of ways to stop overthinking. I feel I'm making progress.
- I'm come to accept that I'll probably never retire. In fact, I'll probably need to use a vacation day for my funeral.
- Optimist: Glass half full. Pessimist: Glass half empty. ME: Where did I leave that glass?
- I am not gorgeous, but I am not ugly either. I am chunky and a little humorous. Kind of broke, too.
- When it gets down to just chip crumbs and dip, I've done some things I'm not proud of.
- Do you know who really stresses me out? Me. It's me. I stress me out.
- Some say if you hold a glass of beer to your ear, you can hear the weekend.
- At my age, I don't attempt to pick up anything off the ground that's worth less than my deductible.
- ME AT A NIGHTCLUB: Where are the chairs?
- My recliner and I go away back.
- I don't lose things. I put them somewhere extremely safe from myself.
TOP FIVE NEW ATTRACTIONS AT DISNEYLAND'S REIMAGINED TOMORROWLAND
- Indiana Jones and the Temple of Temu
- It's an A.I. World After All
- Finding Nemo Submarine Sandwiches
- You'll wait in lines so long, you'll get Buzz Lightyear Astro Blisters
- Invading My Space Mountain
TOP FIVE WAYS TO CELEBRATE NATIONAL BABY BOOMERS RECOGNITION DAY
- Recognize someone
- Attend a Zoom meeting and talk for five minutes before realizing you're muted.
- Mention paying under $1 for gas
- Remind a younger person we used to have rotary dial phones
- Put up an American flag and forget why you did it!
TOP FIVE SILLY WAYS TO CELEBRATE NATIONAL POTATO DAY
- Spend the entire day saying to people, "This Spud's For You!"
- When someone asks you a question, shrug your shoulders and say, "Ida-ho!"
- French a fry
- Be a masher
- Take an eye out
TOP FIVE SIGNS OUR ECONOMY MAY BE IN TROUBLE
- Ice Cream Truck now accepting payment plans.
- At the grocery store, the Manager's Special is just a hug.
- The Statue of Liberty has just hocked her torch.
- Your bank's on-hold music is now "It's the End of the World as We Know It"
- President announces a new cabinet position, the Department of Pawn.
Laugh a little, would ya?
