Being an adult is admitting that the Budweiser Free Bird commercial made you tear up.
On any given day, about 18% of us will make a phone call to find our cell phone. It's why I always carry two phones.
On average, we take an unauthorized break 100 times a week at work. I read that while I was on one of my 13 coffee breaks.
The Justice Department says they're planning to release the remaining Esptein files once they get them all loaded up on a speedboat down in Venezuela.
Starting in July, die-hard Disney fans will be able to get married on the front steps of Disneyland's Haunted Mansion. So, for the couple that doesn't have a ghost of a chance....now they do!
They say the average person consumed twice their normal daily calories on Super Bowl Sunday. I think I'm pretty much covered for the next five Super Bowls.
After a weekend of watching the Olympics, I've come to the conclusion that there are no ugly figure skaters.
Who is Al Pine and why are so many skiing events named after him?
Scientists are warning about anyone traveling to space having sex up there. I suppose, for me, the odds of that happening for me are pretty remote, not to mention that I'll probably never get to space.
I'm hoping there's a special place in hell for people who pull up to a traffic light and don't turn on their blinker until the light turns green.
I will say I was half expecting ICE agents to arrest Bad Bunny during his halftime show and deport him to Puerto Rico.
26 million people had the "Super Bowl flu" and missed work yesterday. Not me, I had my shots. OK, they were Jell-O shots, but still...
You want to be the next Lindsey Vonn? Well, break a leg! (too soon?)
If you're looking for something to be grateful for today, how about the fact you're not alive during one of the four times in history where drinking coffee was actually illegal. In one case, punishable by death!
Kind of weird. I watched the Turning Point halftime show with Kid Rock and the whole time, I was wishing it was in Spanish.
A new study shows that if you're not in shape, you're 775% more likely to have an angry outburst. I can't tell you how pissed off that makes me. I'm getting a donut.
Several Olympic athletes are complaining that while jumping out of excitement, their Gold, Silver and Bronze medals are breaking off the ribbon and crashing to the ground. Someone did their shopping at Temu...
80% of all New Year's resolutions fail by February. I hope you're doing your part.
Do you think that Subway will ever offer a "Pink Pony Club" sandwich?
Pizza Hut is looking at closing hundreds of locations this year. Apparently, someone figured out a way to out-pizza the Hut.
Estee Lauder is suing Walmart over allegations that they feature counterfeit beauty products on its online marketplace. Hopefully, they can makeup.
I don't mean to sound needy, but is tomorrow Friday?
The U.S. has more drive-in movie theaters than any other country. I find it's less crowded if you go during the day.
Believe it or not, more women than men watch The Kentucky Derby. Well, sure. 2 minutes of horse racing, 4 hours of fashion and hats. Duh.
According to a new study, we do way too many studies.
For those of you wondering, I do my own stunts. Most, unintentionally.
I work hard at being inactive.
Monday is President's Day. Those of you who have the holiday off, you can probably feel the resentment.
Guys, if you're thinking of proposing marriage, 70% of women say they want you to surprise them. Well, I know if I were to do that, my wife would be pretty surprised.
If you are having trouble sleeping, researchers say eating kiwis may help you fall asleep 35% faster. The fruit, not the people.
From Facebook:
- Don't worry about not getting a Valentine on Valentines Day. You probably didn't have a groundhog on Groundhog Day either.
- I'll be honest, I had no idea who the two teams were that were playing at Bad Bunny's concert.
- I changed the voice on my GPS to Bono's. Now the streets have no names and still haven't found what I'm looking for.
- When people say, "You look so familiar" responding with, "Were we in prison together?" It's almost always a conversation stopper.
- Think about ice skating. Someone was brave enough to walk out on a frozen lake and think, "You know what my feet need? Knives!"
- If I posted "Goodnight" and you see me online an hour later, I didn't lie. failed.
- I'm the type of husband that helps his wife look for the missing chocolate that I ate.
- My coworker said someone stole money out of her purse so I asked how much. She said $100 but when I went to the bathroom to count it, there was only $87. What a liar.
- My ancestors navigated the ocean using the stars and here I am missing exits with GPS.
- If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you're drunk. Ducks don't talk.
- I know God has got the wheel but sometimes I think we off roading.
- The cable repair guy was on the street and asked me what time it was. I told sometime between 8am and 1pm.
- FRIEND: Wanna go for a run? ME: From what?
- ME: When I eat alphabet soup, I only eat the vowels. FRIEND: Why? ME: Sometimes.
- My favorite part of adulting is borrowing money from my own money and paying myself back.
- I believe in reincarnation because there's no way I could be this sick of absolutely everything after just one lifetime.
- I miss elementary school because 25-30 people were forced to give me a Valentine
- Can anyone tell me if "the skulls of your enemies" are dishwasher safe?
- Why do the French eat snails? They don't like fast food.
- Once upon a time, there was a king who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible king but he made a great ruler.
- Mom said I could be anything when I grew up. So, naturally, I became an issue.
- Well, at least the Patriots QB is now only THREE years away from being old enough to rent a car.
- My boss asked me why I only get sick on weekdays. I said it's because of my weekend immune system.
- People who say, "I hate to break it to you" actually can't wait to break it to you.
- You can start referring to yourself as "an Olympic hopeful." You don't have to fill out a form or anything like that.
- I don't ask for much. Just loyalty, effort and stop chewing loudly around me.
- As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people sure don't.
- You can be a night owl AND an early bird if your sleep schedule's messed up enough.
- My husband always falls asleep before going to bed. He calls it a 'napitizer'.
- The older I get, the more I miss a world that no longer exists.
- Because Kid Rock was lip syncing so much in his special halftime show, some are calling him Hillbilly Vanilli.
- My entire life is spent considering whether or not I should make the sarcastic comment.
- Some random phone number just texted me, saying that he was going to be a few minutes late to work. I told him to just take the day off.
- I got mugged by six dwarves last night. Not happy.
- I hate flu season. My wife was so sick today, I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
- Friend: Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Me: Yes, it's February 14th.
- If you can't sleep at night, it's usually because you're awake. I hope that helps.
- How to get MAGA upset about the Epstein files-release them in Spanish.
- Flirting is easy until you have to flirt with someone you actually like.
- Cheese is just a loaf of milk.
- I like my coffee like I like my men. Sliding off the roof as I drive away.
- Do short people even know what a car's sun visor is for?
- Someone asked if I use an electric toothbrush and I replied, "No. Acoustic."
- Doctor told, "Your weight is fine. You're just 11 feet too short."
- I only sing in the car when I'm in reverse. Yeah, I'm a backup singer.
- An Olympian just did a backflip on ice, and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the chips. Guess everyone has their event.
- My boss arrived at work today in a brand-new Lamborghini. I said, "Cool car!" He replied, "Well, you know, if you put your hours in and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year."
- When I'm bored, I like to call in sick to places I don't work for. Today, I'm getting written up at The Olive Garden.
- Me: Look, a flock of cows. My son: Herd of cows. Me: Of course, I've heard of cows. There's a flock of them right now.
- On February 14th, I plan to write "I miss us" on every couples picture posted.
- You've got a smile that could light up the entire psych ward.
TOP FIVE REASONS PEOPLE LEFT YOUR SUPER BOWL PARTY EARLY
- The primary reason: you didn't have a TV
- They weren't really into football. Thought it was a baseball game.
- They showed up wearing jerseys for the wrong teams
- They didn't say. But at least a dozen people said they were going out for pack of cigarettes and never came back
- Several people saw some of the snacks moving
TOP FIVE WORST POSSIBLE MESSAGES TO FIND ON YOUR CANDY HEARTS
- I'm not mad.
- Too tired.
- Introduce me to your sister?
- Return to sender
- R U Contagious?
Laugh a little, would ya?
