As Ralph Kramden would say, "To the moon!"
Howie Mandel is now apologizing for his apology retraction that he's sorry for. Someone is in his 70s......
President Trump fired Attorney General Pam Bondi yesterday. And now we wait to find out what her husband was into....
Yesterday was National Burrito Day. All of your friends voted it was best not to tell you.
The Easter Bunny was actually brought to America by German immigrants in Pennsylvania. The reason they called him "the Easter Bunny?" Because it was too redundant to call him Herr Hare.
President Trump called Bruce Springsteen a "total loser" that looks like "a dried prune" and called for MAGA to save their money and boycott his upcoming concerts. Fortunately for the president, they don't have any money left for tickets.
I'm picturing this reality TV show with President Trump and Bruce Springsteen. You could call it, "Who's the boss?"
President Trump addressed the nation the other night and promised the Iran war would "end soon." He didn't specify if that was "price of eggs soon" or "inflation going down soon."
The FDA has approved a new weight loss pill from Eli Lilly called "Foundayo." Isn't she the one supposedly married to Tom Holland?
Science says that the name Foundayo definitely proves that we're running out of names for weight loss drugs.
I'm waiting to see the headline: "Couple spends romantic two week honeymoon in T.S.A. line!"
Philadelphia Phillies third baseman Alec Bohm is suing his parents, accusing them of misusing his money and stealing thousands of dollars. Going to make for a really awkward Thanksgiving this year.
Scientists in the Bahamas checked the local sharks and found that they had caffeine, painkillers and even cocaine in their systems. Well, they live in a year-round Spring Break paradise. What do you expect?
I hate that Facebook puts the "cares" emoji right next to the laughter emoji. Especially when someone posts the passing of a friend.
16% of drivers have hit someone's mailbox. I'm surprised that 84% can't aim their car good enough to do that.
It costs about $170 a year to power your flat screen TV, but only about $3 a year to power your radio. I think you know what to do.
You knew they were out there: Tiger Woods is both the best and worst driver in history.
Yeah, if you don't like how Tiger Woods drives, just stay off the sidewalks!
Someone in Switzerland managed to steal a semi-truck filled with 12 tons of Kit Kat candy bars. A spokesman for Kit Kat, upon hearing the news, said, "Gimme a break."
According to a new study, having kids does not make you happy. Yeah, my wife and I talked about it and we've decided not to have kids. We're going to tell them tonight.
Amazon is having a "Big Spring Sale" if you've been under-spending lately.
Howie Mandel has apologized to Kelly Ripa for jumping down her throat after she said that he looked great for a 70-year-old. Howie got upset and said her comment was "agist." But then again, what do you expect from a 70-year-old?
Tiger Woods told authorities he was looking down at his phone and changing the radio station when he had his accident last week. Don't be a Tiger. Leave your radio right where it is.
75% of Americans surveyed don't trust surveys...which makes me wonder, if they don't trust surveys, did they give their honest answers?
The good news is that the Artemis 2 will take off tonight to orbit the moon. The bad news: Tiger Woods is driving.
Last weekend, a single bottle of 1945 Domaine de la Romanee-Conti wine sold for $812,000 at an auction in New York. Imagine how good that would taste in a wine spritzer!
Maybe this isn't the right time to ask but, whatever happened to Artemis 1?
Time to get out there and hit those "After April Fools Day" sales. It's when I stock up on whoopie cushions for next year.
Well, this kinda explains why Kristi Noem had a lock on her clothes closet.
Fleetwood Mac's Lindsey Buckingham was attacked by a woman in Santa Monica yesterday morning. If you're curious, he DID NOT start singing, "I think I'm in trouble...."
12% of people still have their best friend from elementary school. I admit, I'm one of them, but I feed them every day.
On average, men get a new belt every 2 years. Not me. That's why I switched to elastic ones.
People can quietly give me Easter candy, but not one Peep out of you!
FROM FACEBOOK:
- Someone needs to break my heart again. I'm starting to eat too much.
- If I worked at a restaurant, on April Fool's Day, I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.
- l've never owned a telescope in my life. But it's something I'm considering looking into.
- The closest you can get to knowing what it's like to be a ghost is listening to a podcast when the two hosts can't remember a piece of trivia you know.
- I love tea kettles. I think more appliances should scream at us.
- Now that April Fools Day is behind us, once again, we can return to everything on the Internet being true.
- I hate it when I eat the last bite, not realizing that it was going to be the last bite, and I didn't mentally prepare myself for closure.
- If I post where I am, I've already left.
- I'm wearing pink today as a reminder to everyone to separate their reds from their white laundry.
- You know you're getting old when you feel hungover from just going to sleep an hour later than normal.
- Me: "Do you have any books on turtles?" Librarian: "Hard back?" Me: "Yeah, with little heads"
- I once took a chess player to an Italian restaurant with checkered tablecloths. It took her half an hour to pass the salt.
- My body hurts in places I don't remember earning.
- At this point, my hobbies include avoiding people and forgetting why I walked into rooms.
- Why does every app need to know my location? I barely know where I am.
- I went to my favorite smoke shop and it had been replaced with a clothing store. So, clothes, but no cigar.
- I want to record an audiobook that's 8 hours of breathing and page turning. Then, at the end, me saying, "Oh, you mean out loud?"
- I started with nothing. I still have most of it.
- My favorite childhood memory is not paying bills.
- Me: "I'll go to bed early tonight." Also me at 2:13 a.m.: learning about otters.
- There was cake in the fridge with a note: "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note: "I don't take orders from cake."
- I love how Facebook shows me memories from 10 years ago like "Here, enjoy this photo from a time you were still hopeful."
- I wake up tired. I go to bed tired. I'm starting to notice a pattern.
- My hobbies include eating, complaining, and wondering why I'm not thinner.
- I'm not fully awake until I've had coffee and complained at least once.
- If I had a dollar for every time algebra has helped me in real life, I'd have x dollars.
- My roommate says I'm schizophrenic. The joke's on him. I don't even have a roommate.
- A man asked me for a dollar. I told him that I only carry big bills. He said he'd take one of those. So, I gave him my electric bill.
- I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do, it's because I missed my exit.
- Adulting is basically looking at your bank account and realizing that you're just one car repair from living in the woods with a squirrel named Dave.
- I'm in shape. Unfortunately, that shape is a potato.
- You know you're a boomer if, back in your school days, you made ashtrays for your parents.
- Doctors say that each piece of bacon you eat shaves 9 minutes off your life. If that's true, I should have died in 1792.
- Spring is literally that friend that always says they're on the way, but actually haven't left their house yet.
- The commercial said don't try this at home, so I've come over to your house to try it.
- What if April Fools Day is actually April 2nd and we were tricked into believing it's on the first?
- Two incomes are better than one, so make sure your partner has a second job. Follow me for more financial advice.
- Do you ever sit down for a second and accidentally end your productivity for the day?
- Thoughts and prayers to anyone trying on summer clothes.
- I came. I saw. I made it awkward.
- When you yell out "Pizza's here!" to an empty house, because you ordered three.
- They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
- I may not have lost all my marbles, but there is a small hole in the bag.
TOP FIVE PET PEEVES OF THE EASTER BUNNY
- Using the phrase, "Tastes just like chicken."
- You leave cookies for Santa. All he gets are lousy carrots.
- People who think it's funny to hide eggs in the litter box.
- People who ask, "So... what do you do the rest of the year?"
- He's heard the "Don't put all your eggs in one basket" line before. You're not the first.
TOP FIVE BIGGEST COMPLAINTS FROM THE EASTER BUNNY
- "You want the eggs hidden... but not too hidden... but also not obvious... but also fair for everyone. Pick a lane."
- "If one more person says I'm not real, they're getting kale this year!"
- "Roger Rabbit gets all the babes!"
- Developing basket wrist
- "You can't smoke fake grass!"
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE CELEBRATING EASTER WRONG
- At dinner, someone asks, "Is this chicken? It tastes different."
- For the egg hunt, instead of a basket, you gave each kid a bb-gun.
- You colored raw eggs?
- Wait-are those alligator eggs?
- You set up a trap for the Easter Bunny
TOP FIVE FLAVORS IF BEN AND JERRY MADE SOUP
- Chili Bobby Brown
- Kiss Cam Chowder
- Jack Black Bean
- Lentil John
- Pho Fighters
Laugh a little, would ya?
