When you think about it, to Punxsutawney Phil, I bet every day feels like Groundhog's Day.
Today is that day when the Groundhog comes out of his hole and, if he sees his shadow, that means 6 more weeks of winter. If he sees ICE agents, it could mean six weeks or more of detainment.
Santa Claus and the Groundhog have pretty sweet gigs. Both only work one day a year.
Finding money is the #1 thing that puts us in a better mood. And I believe in personal happiness, which explains why I go through my co-workers purses when they're out of the room.
3 million pages of Epstein files, along with thousands of videos, were released on Friday. Can a Netflix documentary be far behind?
It was announced over the weekend that the Seattle Seahawks will immediately go up for sale after the Super Bowl. My two questions: Who could buy them? And, do you think they'd take a check?
Oh, sure. I walk out on a stage in my boxers with a guitar and they call the police. Justin Bieber does it and he's a "genius."
They say that 50% of the Epstein files have not been released yet. Which, of course, means the best is yet to come.
I've got a friend who doesn't play pinochle anymore because of the Trump cards.
On average, two people a year die from flatulence. I'll just say, "Accused, but never convicted."
56% of us say we miss our co-workers when we go on vacation. I have never been so proud to be in the minority.
The Department of Homeland Security says there's been a surprising increase in domestic partners poisoning each other. Wish I had known that before enjoying that drink my girlfriend just brought me...
One in five women say their baby's first word was dada. That's where new dads today are failing. You teach them "mama" right away so that in the middle of the night you can quickly say, "Oh, they're calling for you!"
It takes the average person 7 minutes to fall asleep. Actually, I can do it in less than five when I'm at work.
According to a recent study, eating pizza can reduce your chances of getting cancer. May I be the first to say, God bless studies.
West Haven, Connecticut has budgeted $16,000 for an acoustics expert to come to town and figure out the source of a low-frequency hum that just won't go away. My theory is that the hum is due to, whatever is making the noise, not knowing the words.
I don't mean to be nit-picky, but when I'm printing out tax documents and it says "This page intentionally left blank", it really isn't.
Doritos, Cheetos, Tostitos and Lay's are having their prices cut by 15% this week. Don't know if that also means you'll be getting 15% more air in each bag.
They say the germiest thing in your office is the coffee pot handle. They haven't seen our company refrigerator.
A new study says that drinking coffee may actually be good for your heart. I know it's very important for the welfare of my co-workers.
The U.S. athletes that are taking part in the Winter Olympics in hockey, figure skating and speed skating thought the name of their headquarters at the games-The Ice House-might bring on I.C.E. protests, so they've renamed it "The Winter House." Other considerations were "The Freezer Frat", "The Cold Cabana", and "Just Chill."
Harrison Ford says he's probably going to retire after his current show, "Shrinking" wraps up. So much for "Indian Jones and the Search for the Remote."
It is curious how President Trump is so fixated on building a giant ballroom when he knows we've all seen him dance.
I wish there was a singer named Peanut Butter so he could collaborate with Jelly Roll.
89% of American families buy pie every week. I'm trying to be healthier and eat more cake.
Pharmacists say that, "Can I drink alcohol with this medication?" is the number one question they get asked. The second most asked question: "So, have you got any?"
From Facebook:
- People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.
- ME: I want to be a billionaire, like my uncle. FRIEND: Your uncle is a billionaire? ME: No, he wants to be one, too.
- My spirit animal is one that knocks itself unconscious flying into windows.
- My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loudly, I brushed my teeth and went to bed early.
- One day, I'm going to judge a spelling bee and ask a kid to spell "there." When he asks me to use it in a sentence, I'll say, "Their car is parked over there and they're late."
- January was a long year. But we made it!
- Cars these days have too many gadgets. For example, this morning, I put the car into reverse and it just showed a video of someone getting run over!
- Friend: You're too old to ride that skateboard! Me: Hold my Ensure.
- If being in my PJ's by 5pm is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
- I could sure go for a mosquito bite and a sunburn about now.
- I'm a trust fund baby. My parents trusted me to go fund myself.
- I've found that if you tuck one leg of your pants into your socks, people expect less of you.
- "Insane" is such a negative word. I prefer "mentally creative."
- I'm at a good place right now. Oh, not mentally. I'm at the liquor store.
- Some days, it's just not worth chewing through the restraints.
- If a bag is not resealable, then it's only one serving. I don't make the rules.
- You only need to find yourself. Everything else can be Googled.
- I'm at the stage of life where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.
- I've made a lot of mistakes over the years. But adding more cheese than the recipe called for isn't one of them.
- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push all your buttons. I was looking for mute.
- I wonder if songbirds get annoyed with hummingbirds because they don't know the words.
- Today, I am doing nothing because I started doing it yesterday, and I'm not finished. I am not a quitter.
- Security: You can't bring food in here. Me: This is a service taco.
- Apparently, it's rude to tap someone on the forehead when they're talking and say, "Skip intro."
- Some people teach you how not to be.
- When checking out at the store, ask your checkout person what kind of candy bar they like and buy one for them. I did this today. It felt so good, I'm going to do it again the next time I use the self-checkout register.
- I started to go to the gym this morning and I couldn't find my membership card. A replacement would cost $10. Coffee and a donut were $5. Guess who saved five bucks!
- I bought a second-hand time machine next Sunday. Yeah, they don't make them like they're going to anymore.
- If the weather can't be nice for more than two days in a row, than neither can I.
- The most important parts of the Super Bowl are the commercials and the food. I don't really care who makes the most baskets.
- A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."
- I don't claim to know the secret to happiness, but coffee and silence is a good place to start.
- It's almost Valentine's Day and I don't know what to get myself.
- Why do fish live in saltwater? Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
- What doesn't kill you makes you the proud owner of unhealthy coping mechanisms and an alarmingly dark sense of humor.
- It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, at the end of the day, it's evening.
- Happy birthday to everyone. This post is valid until the end of 2026. I'm tired.
- My friend said his favorite Star Wars quote was, "Aargh Luke, ye scurvy dog, I be yer father." I think he got a pirated copy.
- My girlfriend broke up with me because I quoted Linkin Park too often. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
- The gym gives you energy, but you need energy to go to the gym. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.
- So wrestling is fake, but a ground hog tells you the weather?
- I'm not saying I'm the glue that holds this family together, but I appear to be the only one who knows where the glue is.
- Anybody got a good deep fried groundhog recipe?
- What do you think your pet has named you?
- I'm not going outside again until the temperature gets above my age.
- I almost had a threesome last night. I just needed two more people.
- The only blizzard conditions I'm interested in are the ones from Dairy Queen.
- Men have feelings too. Sometimes we feel thirsty.
- They said he was Street Smart. Maybe Sesame Street Smart...
- I should get to claim my coworkers as dependents on my taxes, because I do all their jobs
- BOSS: Your performance has dropped recently. ME: So it finally matches my salary?
TOP FIVE THINGS GOING THROUGH OUR DOG'S MINDS RIGHT NOW
- I hope that really messy guy comes to the Super Bowl party
- Why does it feel like I've gone on this walk before?
- Can someone explain cats to me?
- Crap. Nobody here's in heat.
- Ever noticed how everything looks like food until proven otherwise?
TOP FIVE SIGNS THE REFEREES ARE AGAINST YOU IN THE SUPER BOWL
- Every time a penalty is called against you, the refs fist-bump
- Keep referring to your team as "the Losers"
- They asked your captains to look away during the coin toss
- They've already called 10 penalties against you and the game hasn't started yet
- They're wearing the other team's jerseys
TOP FIVE WORST POSSIBLE SNACKS FOR A SUPER BOWL PARTY
- Sugar-free, Gluten-free, Non-Dairy, Fat-Free, Organic....something. I forgot what these were.
- Rabbit wings
- Chip crumbs and salsa
- Those deviled eggs you made up yesterday and forgot to put in the fridge
- Raw, uncut vegetables
Laugh a little, would ya?
