"The Princess Bride: the Musical" is going to premiere in Chicago next year. Thinking of taking in a performance? As you wish.
I do think that next year on "Dolly Parton Day", if you point out that the date is 9-25 and say, "Get it?" it's a punishable offense.
By the way, "Dolly Parton Day" reminded me that a cup of ambition is no longer enough. We're talking gallons these days.
To raise money so that they can buy more drones, Ukraine is looking at legalizing pornography. I can just hear, "Oh, I'm just watching it for my country."
If the robots are going to take over the world, can we at least make sure that happens on a Monday?
About 60% of people say they've never paid someone to shovel snow. That would include me. I ask the neighbor kids to do it, promise them $5 and then become incredibly hard to find.
A study from the University of Toronto says that when people are interviewed in a brightly lit room they are more honest. That's not an interview-that's interrogation!
The bad news: Starbucks has announced they're closing 250 of their stores throughout North America. The good news: the Starbucks right across the street from each of them will stay open.
I try to live my life by not judging people except for the losers.
Kraft has expanded beyond the Mac and Cheese world and is now offering a Mac and Cheese soda! For a limited time only and thank God for that!
The Lincoln Reflecting Pool in Washington, D.C. has yet to be repaired, but at least through the end of October, it will be a Spirit Halloween store.
It says here the average person will move 11 times during their life. That seems like. Heck, I've moved three times just in the last few minutes.
72 percent of adults in their 20s and 30s will push an already-lit elevator button when riding an elevator. Well, sure-they probably pushed it the wrong way or not hard enough.
In a survey, people were asked to describe their spouse in one word. The number one answer was "stubborn" followed by "sweet" as number two. Being a family show, we can't tell you descriptions 3 through 7.
Today is actually designated as "Goose Day." The folks at HR want me to remind you, don't even think about it.
If you bought a warranty for the month of September, today it expires.
About time to go into the bosses' office and ask for a "cost of driving" raise, isn't it?
Snoop Dogg found out today that he hosted the M-TV Video Music Awards Sunday night.
Apple was told by a jury to pay $5.7 billion to Taction Technology, who claimed that Apple stole their vibration technology. Talk about a buzz kill.
So, basically, there are two groups when it comes to A.I.-one that feel's A.I. is on the fast track to destroy humanity in the next several years. While the other group doesn't want to limit development because A.I. could come up with a cure for cancer. Although, when you think about it, if the first group is right, the second group doesn't have to worry anymore!
For the record, the hacking group, Shiny Hunters are not family members.
Hurricane Polo is approaching California. If I'm the president, I'm immediately dispatching Marco Rubio. Which pretty much explains why I'm not president.
President Trump says we need to push the envelope on A.I. and if the country's going to fight him, then instead of data centers, he's going to start building mama centers.
Time to Shise and Rine! Coffee needed.
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is calling for a 20% cut in the number of generals and admirals across the U.S. military. Meanwhile, several generals and admirals are calling for a 100% reduction of Pete Hegseth.
Isn't it Military 101 not to announce when and who you're going to attack?
Lou Ferrigno, who starred as the Hulk on TV back in the 1970s, realized a dream this week when he got to meet and chat briefly with Pope Leo at the pope's general audience in St. Peter's Square. Just to play it safe, Pope Leo didn't say anything to tick Lou off.
Six Flags has closed its famous X2 roller coaster at Magic Mountain in California after a report that linked it to several deaths and injuries. Some people had complained about brain injuries from the ride, although those same people also said, "Parcheesi eggplant fire engine."
I don't follow politics that closely, but they're talking about a "blue wave" this November. Must be a lot of Smurfs running for office.
October has arrived. The month I don't dust the house because it just adds to the Halloween ambience. And for an even more effective look, you stop dusting in July.
Former Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem has filed for divorce from her husband of 34 years. The good news: she's not treating him like a dog.
20% of adults are too afraid to do clean the fridge in their home. I plan to do it once that thing in there stops growling.
Toronto Blue Jays star Vladimir Guerrero Jr. says that his $500 million contract weighed on him every time he went to bat in the 2026 season. The owner of the Toronto Blue Jays was heard saying, "Yeah, me, too."
From Facebook:
- I finally caught up with the Joneses, but they were not impressed with my new career as a repo guy.
- I'm launching a new website called "Older Fans" where I post today's injury and the wildly normal thing that caused it.
- The older I get, the more I understand why my parents just sat in silence after work.
- My morning coffee takes me on a magical journey from Slytherin to Hufflepuff.
- Please don't refer to me as a Halloween Dork. The correct term is Halloweenie.
- The national average on making a wrong turn is now up to $42.
- The older I get, the more I realize society is held together by exhausted women muttering, "For God's sake, I'll just do it myself."
- Pulling up to someone at a red light who just sped by you is a slow driver touchdown.
- Thankfully, one thing remains that we can all agree on. The urgent need for another Ace Ventura movie.
- Pumpkin bread AND coffee? Top that, heaven!
- Wilson Phillips did not prepare me for how many times I'd have to hold on for one more day.
- Would have been nice if school taught me how to do my taxes. But on the bright side, molten rock is called magma.
- My doctor told me to switch to a plant-based diet, so now I only eat bacon from pigs that were corn-fed. Basically, I'm a vegan.
- Believe in myself? The same person that got me into this trouble?
- Just how high was Yankee Doodle when he stuck a feather in his cap and called it 'macaroni'?
- Not many weddings are doing the hokey-pokey anymore? What's that all about?
- That's so sweet of you to load the dishwasher. It looks like it's all prepped for rearrangement.
- I would describe my relationship with coffee as slightly more than soulmates.
- Hold on a sec. I need to have coffee before my brain can do brainy stuff.
- Why is there so much day left at the end of my energy?
- The best time to reach me is when I'm at work. Don't bother me when I'm home.
- I'm at the point where if a mysterious portal opened up near me I wouldn't even hesitate to enter it.
- Every morning I wake up and go "today's the day I get my life together" and then I take a nap.
- I've been feeling a little moody and rundown lately, so I Googled my symptoms. It's adulthood. I have adulthood.
- Aliens are coming to Earth, people are going to the moon and I'm still pushing on a door that says 'Pull'.
- Not many people know this, but the proper term for a large group of people is "I won't be there."
- You think Dora knew where she was going? No. She got lost every time, but still got there.
- I'm not everyone's cup of tea, yet somehow the people who hate tea keep coming by for a sip.
- I'm not financially ready for retirement, but I am joint pain ready.
- If gas prices don't go down, it's going to be tricks only for Halloween.
- I'm all for a thick burger, but if I've gotta unhinge my jaw like an anaconda just to take the first bite, then your burger is too tall.
- Every USB plug requires 3 attempts for me, even though it only has 2 sides. Explain that.
- I can annoy you in just five words. "Create an account to continue."
- Nothing exposes how little you understand your own house like a circuit breaker panel.
- Time heals all wounds. It also turns avocados from rocks into garbage overnight.
- If it can't wait, call me at work. If I'm at home, then it can wait.
- Apparently, my 7-year-old niece has a skincare routine. When I was 7, my skincare routine was having skin.
- You can tell a lot about a person and who they are when the WI-FI goes out.
- As a kid, I genuinely thought that Pig Latin was going to be an important adult skill. But so far, otnay.
- Based on the amount of laundry I do, I'm starting to suspect there's a second family living in the attic.
- My coffee plan for today is "lotsa."
- Some things are better left unsaid, like coinkidink.
- Everything on this page is certified 100% true-ish.
- My daughter is holding off on taking the required geography course because the tests will become super easy once everything is named America.
- Sorry I missed your call. But that's what I do with calls.
- I never struggled to pronounce spaghetti as a kid, but I did enjoy eating with meatbulbs.
- My coffee just looked at me and said, "Listen, I can only do so much."
- Getting gas this morning, I noticed the guy in front of me only got $10 worth of gas on pump 3. Where the heck was he going? To pump 4?
- In the 1980s, I was riding my bike, fell over and scraped my knee. I'm telling you this now because we didn't have social media back then.
- The 'p' in my name stands for patience. That's why it's not there.
- Please don't ever bring math around me. I've moved on. I've healed. It's not a part of life anymore.
- I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing, but then again, I've been doing it for years.
- I saw an audiologist today, but I think I'm going to get a second opinion. I mean, why in the world would I need a heron egg?
- I'm not some close-minded coffee drinker. In fact, my opinion has recently evolved on whether or not tea drinkers should be allowed to marry.
- As I fold my third load of laundry, I consider becoming a nudist. Then I remember what I look like naked and continue folding.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR NEIGHBORS ARE ANXIOUS FOR HALLOWEEN TO GET HERE
- Already three deliveries from the Uber Spirit Halloween truck
- They're actually filming a documentary on the making of candy corn
- Car bumpersticker says, "Full Size Bars Only!"
- They've already carved their first round of pumpkins
- Opening ceremony for the graveyard in their front yard
TOP FIVE LITTLE KNOWN CONFUCIOUS SAYINGS (WEDNESDAY WAS CONFUCIOUS DAY)
- A naked man fears no pickpockets.
- Man who sneezes without tissue take matter into own hands.
- Man who puts face in punch bowl will get punch in face!
- Man who farts in church sits in his own pew!
- Man who was a dude before marriage, is now subdued.
TOP FIVE DUMB THINGS TO SAY AT A HAUNTED HOUSE
- That witch reminds me of my ex!
- Can I speak to the manager of the undead?
- Is this a union or non-union haunted house?
- Do you have anything less haunted?
- Do you validate parking?
Laugh a little, would ya?
