If you didn't find all of your Easter eggs last weekend, no worries. Give ‘em a couple of weeks in the sun and they'll be easy.
They're saying that salmonella outbreak among birds is over, so it's OK to put your bird feeders back out. I imagine the squirrels have been getting pretty hungry.
So, the CDC now says that fully vaccinated people can travel. Especially if they're fully vaccinated and play in the NBA.
I'm trying a new all-egg diet. Could be healthy, if they weren't Cadbury eggs.
Not to be petty, but when Gonzaga's Suggs sank that game-winning shot on Saturday night-he didn't call "bank." Just sayin'.
Look who's guest-hosting Jeopardy for the next two weeks: Aaron Rogers! And if I have to explain to you who Aaron Rogers is, you must not watch State Farm commercials.
According to a new survey, 7% of Americans are not connected to the Internet. When asked why, most responded with, "Because I just don't trust America Online."
I'm realizing that when I think of something that happened, it was at least two years ago. Because last year, it probably didn't happen.
According to a new study done in Norway, women regret one-night stands more than men. While men regret passing up a chance for a one-night stand more than women. And they needed a study to prove that?
You know those things called wine bottle stoppers-what are they for? You mean there are times you DON'T finish a bottle?
On Facebook, someone put up a collection of pictures that included beer, pizza, French fries, tacos and cake and said, "Eliminate two forever." I posted, "No."
I'm old enough to remember when "Did you get the Corona?" meant, "Did you remember to get the beer at the store?"
The city of Seattle says they will not allow homeless camp sweeps on camps that have formed on school grounds, saying it would teach the wrong things to kids about the homeless. In a related story, they've also banned teaching the definition of ‘trespassing' and ‘vagrancy.'
That volcano in Iceland has released its third lava stream. Observers say it's streaming even more than you do at home during work hours.
You know, the other night I tried to watch that "Godzilla versus King Kong" movie on HBOMax and I realized: "Oh, my God-I've grown up!"
The co-founder of Elon Musk's firm Neuralink says they have the technology to build a real-life version of "Jurassic Park." This is where Jeff Goldblum speaks up.
I just got a notice that my MySpace account has been hacked. I'm trying to come up with enough energy to care.
Yes, it's Friday, but it's not like I NEED Friday. I'd be fine if this was Saturday, too.
This is the last season of "Keeping Up With the Kardashians", but they won't be gone long. They'll launch a new series on Hulu in the next few months. How can we miss them if they won't go away?
- Those who confuse burro and burrow don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.
- Not sure if I attract crazy or make them crazy.
- Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
- Abraham Lincoln gets credit for this one: "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt."
- I wonder how many WTF's today will bring.
- Quick question--can I still use the carpool lane if the other person is in the trunk?
- Diet tip--your pants will never get too tight if you don't wear any.
- I have found that these days, people don't like holding hands in public. Especially if they don't know you.
- April 1st is the only day of the year that people critically evaluate things they find on the Internet before accepting them as true.
- I always carry a knife with me. You know, in case of cheesecake or something.
- I've never seen an alcohol company use a drunk person in any of their advertising. Are they ashamed of their customers?
- You know, back when I was your age, I used to have to walk 10-feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
- Did you know that 14 muscles are activated when you open a bottle of wine. Fitness is my passion.
- Bread is like the sun-it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
- If you're worried about how little you've achieved in life, remember-Bram Stoker didn't write "Dracula" until he was 50. And Dracula didn't kill anyone until he was dead.
- Pyjamiphile: A person who must put their PJ's on the second they get home, otherwise they will never be comfy.
- People say I act like I don't give a BLEEP. For the last time, I'm not acting.
- Being 20 in the 70s was much more fun than being 70 in the 20s.
- Dear Facebook, quit pointing out people I may know. I do know them, I just don't like them.
- I don't think we get smarter as we get older. We just run out of stupid things to do.
- Now that we have everyone washing their hands properly, next week: turn signals!
- Why do we have to see toilet paper commercials? Who's not buying toilet paper?
- Don't believe the old slogan about "An apple a day." Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
- Faith in humanity? I look both ways before I cross the street. That's where I'm at on that topic.
- When someone asks, "Are you crazy?" Just reply, "Yes." Just like that. End of discussion.
- A review of the movie, "Alien": It's a movie where nobody listens to the smart woman and they all die except the woman and the cat. Four stars!
TOP FIVE THINGS THE EASTER BUNNY DOES THE REST OF THE YEAR
- Arguing with people who believe it's "Wabbit season"
- Continues his pursuit of trying to create the perfect carrot cocktail
- Attempting to negotiate a deal where Amazon would deliver the eggs
- Well, there's that membership at the Bunny Club
- Tries to talk Nike into producing Hare Jordans
TOP FIVE LEAST SUCCESSFUL COMIC BOOK HEROES
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Sloths
- Dr. Align, Chiropractor
- Captain America Top 40
- Spider Vein Man
- Aquafina Man
Laugh a little, would you??