You know, before the World Cup, I really didn't know much about soccer. But now I think I've finally gotten to second base!
"Cana-Moms" is what they're calling moms that use cannabis to help them deal with their kids. I'm standing by for the first "Cheechona & Chongarina" movie.
I'm imagining baby's first words as being, "Far out, mom!"Nearly 4 of 5 married people don't trust their partner to wake them up. THAT'S what I forgot to do this morning....
Some famous folks are coming forward and saying they were snubbed and not invited to Taylor Swift's wedding. Hey, on behalf of the rest of us: deal with it.
CBS Sunday Morning did a great piece this week on a 5-year-old in North Carolina who brought a whole neighborhood together by waving hi to them every day. Proof that connecting with people is so important these days when we're constantly being distracted by technology. In fact, I think you should get on your phone and watch that segment and completely ignore the person you're with right now.
I'd like to become a storm chaser, but is there any way you can have the storm come to me? Just asking....
The toughest part about going to sleep at night is waking up on the couch and making it to my bed.
The U.S. launched a third consecutive attack on Iran last night. Wait--three strikes? Doesn't that mean we're out?
If you fly from the newly renamed Donald Trump airport in Florida to Sioux City, your ticket will say DJT-SUX. Yes, Sioux Gateway Airport in Iowa uses the code SUX. Just sharing for no particular reason.
Pepsico says that Americans are cutting back on snacks and sodas, so they're doing research to find out why. Could it have something to do with those three chips I get inside that $5 bag of air you call Doritos?
A Florida Man has been found guilty of having sex with a vacuum cleaner outside a home in a gated resort community near Disney World. Police got suspicious when they noticed the vacuum smoking.
I'm sure if he had borrowed the vacuum from a neighbor, they'd say, "Uh, just keep it."
Almost 70% of people today are omitting the word "obey" from their wedding vows. My wife insisted on adding the word "maybe" several times...
Chipotle is getting ready to open their very first restaurant in Mexico. Most of the responses have been along the lines of, "What the hell is this stuff?"
The largest great white shark ever discovered in the Atlantic Ocean-a 14 foot, 1700-pound beast named "Contender"-was spotted for the first time in months and is most likely heading toward Cape Cod and then the eastern coast of Canada. It has requested that all swimmers in that area switch from using sunscreen to some kind of teriyaki sauce.
93% of us buy a pizza every month. For the 7% that don't, I've got you covered.
GQ magazine says the average male lies about 6 times on a first date. On behalf of the other Nobel Prize winners, that seems low.
4% of Americans think there are too many holidays 15% say there are not enough. Who are these 4% people? I'd like one of them to cover for me tomorrow on National Rubber Shoes Day.
Over 24% of women want to change their man's hair style. Hey, if you want to pay for the hair plugs, have at it!
People ask me how I maintain my six-pack. I tell them, I just leave it in the refrigerator until I'm thirsty.
So, former Prince Harry reconciled this week with the King and Queen. Now, to work on Hall & Oates.
From Facebook:
- How much fire can a ceasefire cease if a ceasefire never ceased fire?
- Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
- I sure miss whatever age it was when I slept through the entire night.
- This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
- Why is Sean pronounced as "Shawn" instead of Seen, while Dean is pronounced Dean instead of Dawn?
- I want to grow my own food but I can't find bacon seeds.
- Sometimes I need coffee just to be able to make coffee.
- Me: I'm terrified of random letters. Psychiatrist: You are? Me: [scream] Psychiatrist: Oh, I see. Me: [louder scream]
- My summer body is looking like I have a great personality.
- Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes, the 'm' is silent.
- Me: Buying a salad to eat healthy. Also me: Putting on enough dressing to turn it into a soup.
- Accidentally vaped in front of my mom and she asked, "What was that?" So I immediately said, "Did you see that? Me, too!" and now I have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted.
- If you have an iPhone, tell Siri really slowly, "I see a little silhouetta of a man. Trust me.
- It's a good day. The bulb finally burned out on my Check Engine light.
- I'm not saying I'm tired, but if sleep were a person, I'd marry it.
- I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a paycheck.
- I used to be a people person... but people ruined that.
- I tried to follow my dreams. They led me to the fridge.
- I'm not lazy. I just rest before I get tired.
- I'm at the age where I can't tell if I need coffee, a nap, or a vacation.
- I'm not indecisive. I'm just exploring all possible options forever.
- My favorite childhood memory is not paying bills.
- I don't snore. I dream I'm a chainsaw.
- If you don't want sarcasm, don't talk to me before noon.
- I tried to be productive today. It was exhausting.
- I have to admit, I'm feeling a bit overworked and under intoxicated.
- Yeah, I'm into fitness-fitness entire beer into my belly!
- I'm disappointed that a goblet is just a glass and not a small goblin.
- Welcome to another episode of, "Am I dying or is this just what being old feels like?"
- I love workouts! Today I did abs... olutely nothing.
- I'm not too old for a game of Twister. But first, let me get my affairs in order.
- Yes, I'm at the age where "picking up a hottie at the club" means I'm buying a rotisserie chicken at Costco.
- Is my Check Liver light on again?
- How to tell if you're getting old: If you fall and people laugh, you're fine. If they start to panic, you're old.
- I like to have at least 5 practice beers before my regular beer.
- I was just invited to an event that doesn't start until 8pm. In the evening. I'm sorry, but not all of us are on cocaine!
- I'm currently stuck between "I need to save money" and "You only live once."
- My father worked 12 hours every day just to put food on the table. Amazing man, but slowest cook ever.
- If you want to live longer you have to give up all the things that make you want to live longer.
- Beauty comes in all sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.
- Finish your beer. There are sober people in India.
- I'm sorry I'm late, but I got here as soon as I wanted to.
- Every morning, I make coffee like I'm preparing a potion to keep the village safe from whatever version of me woke up today.
- I'm pretty sure Ryan Gosling is old enough he should change his last name to Goose.
- If your cup is only half full, you probably need a different bra.
- What do you call a little boy who is half French and half Scottish? A oui lad.
- I'm old and I want coffee. Oh, and good morning.
- When I say, "I will call you later", I mean later in life, not today.
- The older I get, the stayer I home.
- If any of you know how to fix broken hinges, my door is always open.
- We've all been talking about how paranoid you are.
- I heard what you did for a Klondike bar. Call me.
- If you wait long enough to cook dinner, everyone will settle for cereal. Follow me for more tips.
- I'm so tired. Almost time to crawl into bed and not be able to sleep for three hours.
- How all Bible stories start-God said, "Don't!" NARRATOR: And they all did...
- I've had about enough of this whining and complaining. Just avoid produce and breathing and you'll be fine.
- Jesus invited prostitutes to dine with him, and he's "the light of the world" do it, and I'm "banned from Olive Garden."
- I'm going to the gym now. I'm not bragging, I just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
- Getting out of a low car after a certain age should come with an automatic round of applause and a heating pad.
- If your name is Sarah and you're not even telling people that's short for Triceratops, what are you even doing with your life?
- My phone's auto-correct has decided that I never want to use profanity, preferring instead to paint me as a deeply passionate enthusiast of waterfowl.
TOP FIVE FAIR FOODS I HOPE THEY NEVER MAKE
- Deep-Fried Toothpaste Bites
- Bacon-Flavored Funnel Cake Soup
- Pumpkin Spice Cheese Curds
- Kale Corn Dogs
- M&M Tacos
TOP FIVE THINGS BASEBALL COULD DO TO MAKE THE ALL-STAR GAME MORE INTERESTING
- Play football instead
- A designated "nothing but spitballs" inning
- Teams can use a mascot once as a pinch runner.
- Run bases the opposite direction
- Automatic outs for every time players scratch themselves inappropriately
TOP FIVE WAYS TO CELEBRATE NATIONAL BEANS AND FRANKS DAY
- Throw beans on people named Frank
- Avoid striking matches
- Bring flowers to the law firm of Beans & Franks
- Invent a beans and franks cocktail (good luck on that one)
- Make a beans and franks Charcuterie board
Laugh a little, would ya?
