The Prime Minister of Italy is ticked off at President Trump, after he told an Italian TV station that she "wanted a picture with me so badly." She said that's not true. Gee, that's just not like him.
I'm disappointed that my company doesn't officially recognize "Shark Week" and give us the week off.
Half of all women have bought outfits that are too small even though they can't wear them (in hopes that one day they will fit into them). You've just described my entire closet.
Interesting how the Lincoln Reflecting Pool is actually reflecting what is going on in our country.
King Charles is offering royal accommodations for Harry and Meghan's upcoming visit to the U.K.. President Trump is offering the White House UFC arena, just in case they want to host any cage matches out in front of Buckingham Palace.
Wait! Iran closed the Strait of Hormuz? They can't do that! We have a memorandum of something...
I'm a bit of a novice at soccer, so one question: Why is the abbreviation for Morocco MAR? There isn't even an "A" in their name?
A third child is like a third bottle of wine. No explanation, it just is.
They say that Sunday, the day of the summer solstice, was the longest day of the year. In my opinion, Monday still won.
Yes, I was young once, but now, I am older and wise-assier.
Amazon Prime Days are underway! Ladies and gentlemen, start your credit cards!
What is this word "budget" of which you speak?
M&M's are removing two of their colors because they were made with artificial dyes: blue and brown. SO, if they want to stick to just naturally created colors, can a Lincoln Reflecting Pool Green be far behind?
The World Cup has taught me so much. Like, a lot of countries have really bad national anthems.
I wish my job was more like soccer. I'd like to join some of my co-workers in moving on to the knockout round.
To all of our German listeners who enjoy eating a lot of wheat-Gluten Morgen!
An Australian professional air conditioner cleaner and honorary town crier has been recognized as the world's loudest person. Even his inside voice can be heard three blocks away.
Why do they call it "Urgent Care" when you spend so much time sitting there and nothing about it is urgent.
"Tim-splaining" is me explaining to you what Timsplaining means.
The pollution in the Lincoln Reflecting Pool is really taking a toll on local wildlife. So far, they've found dozens of dead ducks and one lame one.
They're doing a remake of the horror classic, "The Blair Witch Project" that will hit theaters in 2027. Just when you finally started getting over the motion sickness from the original.
You know, I think more people would be excited about celebrating America 250 if it was actually America $2.50 a gallon.
I plan that my final words will be, "I buried all my money in......."
Singer Daryl Hall said he is recovering nicely after undergoing a kidney transplant. We don't know who donated the kidney, but we do know for sure one person that didn't.
"England historically has struggled here in Massachusetts". - World Cup announcer on Fox
FROM FACEBOOK:
- I'm fun for around 35 minutes, then I start thinking about going home.
- May your morning caffeine be strong enough to convince your brain that putting on real pants is a totally reasonable expectation.
- If I throw my head back and groan while you're talking, please don't take it as a cue to keep going.
- Some of you have a very high opinion of your own relevance to my day.
- Driving away from my house instantly activates the highly stressful mental game of trying to remember if I locked the door.
- My favorite magical illusion is buying a pack of fifty hair ties and having zero of them left by Tuesday.
- Paper straws are a brilliant invention that allow you to drink exactly half of your beverage before you're simply chewing on a wet napkin.
- I put on a pair of jeans with no stretch just to remind myself that actions have consequences.
- I have reached the age where my idea of a high-stakes adventure is leaving the house without checking the weather forecast
- I'm not playing hard to get, I'm playing hard to tolerate. There's a difference.
- My face is currently a billboard for exactly why you shouldn't ask me for favor today.
- My coffee is strong, but my desire to sit in absolute silence and ignore every text message is definitely stronger.
- I am currently in a committed relationship with my air conditioner.
- I am not saying I actively hate mornings. I am just saying the sun is being awfully loud and I would like it to stop.
- Don't believe everything you read in public restrooms. Sharon was not up for a good time. That was an awkward phone call...
- Me: How do I unsubscribe so I don't get your emails anymore? Boss: What?
- Being an adult feels like "If I can just get through this week, I'll be OK." But it's every damn week.
- I can't go to the psychologist because if he fixes me, I'll lose my charm.
- Let's see, which emotional issues should I bury under deep layers of sarcasm today?
- Every Monday is a cruel reminder that I don't have generational wealth.
- I'm an animal in bed. More specifically, I'm a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.
- You have to learn sarcasm. I can't keep saying "I'm kidding" all the time.
- If I call in sick to work, don't ask what I've got. To be honest, I'm sick of you all!
- I'm launching a new website called Older Fans, where I post today's injury and the wildly normal thing that caused it.
- Me: Alexa, remind me to go to the gym. Alexa: I have added gin to your shopping list. Me: Close enough.
- My level of daily sarcasm is directly tied to the amount of questions I am forced to answer before I finish my coffee.
- I will restart the entire song if you talk over my favorite part.
- Same crap, different day? That's known as 'deja poo'.
- Don't get in my car expecting new music. I don't know those songs.
- My level of sarcasm has reached the level where I don't even know if I'm kidding or not.
- The most secure and impenetrable vault in the entire world is the dark abyss at the bottom of my purse.
- I am currently accepting applications for a magical fairy to follow me around and do all of my housework.
- Buying a gym membership to solve a personal crisis is classic. It sits in your wallet like a tiny, plastic monument to a version of you that lasted exactly four days.
- Always carry yourself with the confidence of a beach seagull aggressively stealing a French fry from a tourist.
- I believe someone in this group has been possessed by an owl.
- Pro tip: If you're afraid of escalators, there are steps you can take.
- I hear that after losing the war on algae, President Trump wants to declare war on Algeria.
- Marked safe from becoming the world's second trillionaire.
- I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would just hurry up and pick a suspect.
- Friend: You've made your bed. Now lie in it. Me: Actually, that's my favorite thing to do.
- Life is short. Go to the game. Eat a hot dog. Yell at the ump.
- Stop the peel! I just need you to find 11,780 more square feet of pool coating!
- I wanted to act non-chalant, but underneath, I was chalant as crap.
- I have ROMO-relief of missing out.
- Steve's joke was so good, he's been invited to an HR meeting to tell the director in person!
- I just read somewhere that ADHD stands for "A Diva Has Distractions" and that's the only way I'm referring to it now.
- My resume is just a list of things I never want to do again.
- It's no longer called the Lincoln Reflecting Pool. The new name: The Strait of Warm Ooze.
- Guys with an eye patch and three fingers really do sell the best fireworks.
- When she says, "Well, first of all...", you've already lost the argument. She's obviously prepared a Powerpoint.
- I don't know whose manager needs to hear this, but pizza is not a bonus.
- If you keep your air conditioning above 75, please don't invite me to your terrarium, you lizard.
- If a toddler puts a sticker on you, that's a great sign of respect in their culture.
- Nobody warned me that once I got older, the weather app would become such crucial part of my daily routine.
- If we invent anything, it should be a day between Saturday and Sunday.
- I miss the day when bills were none of my concern.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU NEED MORE SLEEP
- 10 cups of coffee only improves you to "exhausted"
- Phone in the fridge. Milk in the cupboard. Keys? Who knows.
- You just had a 10-minute argument with a stapler
- You've re-read an email five times and still don't know what it says
- Your co-workers are complaining about your snoring
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE WAY TOO MUCH INTO THIS WORLD CUP THING
- You describe upcoming layoffs as "the knockout round"
- You've asked the guy with the bad toupee to replace it with natural turf
- And to change the term, "overtime" to "stoppage time"
- You've asked the boss to incorporate "hydration breaks" into the workday
- You've created power rankings for each member of your family
TOP FIVE POSSIBLE EXPLANATIONS FOR WHY THE LINCOLN REFLECTING POOL TURNED GREEN
- Cousin Eddy's You-Know-What in the RV was full
- RFK, Jr.'s healthy new soup recipe
- World's largest kale Smoothie spill
- Chicago St. Patrick's Day Committee in town, visiting
- Getting ready for the upcoming Kermit Day Festival
Laugh a little, would ya?
