Ukraine's President Zelenskyy has invited Russia's Vladamir Putin to meet for talks in a neutral country. Putin says he'll bring the muffins.
Yeah, I tried having an Only Fans account once. It ended up being Only Me.
17% of people surveyed are afraid of sports. I admit, I have badmittonaphobia.
Ordering the same food as your date on a first date pretty much guarantees a second date. Eating their food as well as yours is a definite swing and a miss.
Convicted FTX founder Sam Bankman-Fried has filed a formal request for presidential pardon. He's currently serving 25 years in federal prison for stealing $8 billion from his customers. If pardoned, he also hopes to receive the Presidential Medal of Scamdon.
On Monday night, Donald Trump became the first sitting president to ever attend an NBA playoff game. He also became the first sleeping president to ever attend an NBA playoff game.
Secret Service agents report they had to throw themselves over 1,000 middle fingers.
Some die-hard Nicks fans are blaming the president being there was the reason they lost on Monday night. Hey, remember those immortal words: "You snooze, you lose!"
White Castle has introduced a vegetarian slider. It's quickly becoming known as the "No thank you" burger.
Down in Australia, 6400 people are trying out a new app called "Chart Your Fart", which is tracking how many times a day they pass gas. Wonder if it keeps track of how many times they blame the dog?
Bill Gates testified before Congress yesterday and said that meeting with Jeffrey Epstein was a "grave error in judgement." Right up there with Windows ME or the Windows cell phone, your choice.
He also said that Epstein tried to blackmail him. Thankfully, he didn't take the Apple...
Nearly 25% of people surveyed say they always do watch TV when they're eating dinner at home. Wait-are you saying that some people actually turn their TV's off?
They're expecting temperatures up around 90 in Seattle this weekend. They're concerned about the heat for Monday's World Cup game there, but the good news-at least the Space Needle will be sterilized.
Vice President J.D. Vance says the Iran war could last up to another year. Which, if true, would be longer than most Republicans running for re-election.
I can't believe USA Today had an article yesterday titled, "When to buy depends." I mean, isn't that kind of a personal... oh, its about housing. And "When to buy depends on if you're selling." Nevermind...
They made such a big deal about Taylor Swift being spotted at Wednesday night's NBA playoff game. Wasn't it more of a case of the NBA playoffs being spotted with Taylor Swift?
Federal forecasters say that we could have a very nasty El Nino weather system on the way. For those who don't know, El Nino is Spanish for "The Nino."
When women were asked what food reminds them of their husband in another survey, one third of them said a potato. All this time, I thought my wife was calling me "a stud." Turns out, it was "a spud."
40% of Americans have felt out of shape climbing stairs. That's concerning. I get winded taking the escalator.
Last night in Mexico City, the World Cup officially got underway with the first match between Mexico and South Africa. There was also the first of three opening ceremonies, featuring Shakira and Burna Boy singing the FIFA World Cup official song, "Dai Dai." They also sang the unofficial World Cup song, "Muey Grande Ticketo Price-eo's."
FROM FACEBOOK:
- I need to teach my facial expressions how to use their inside voice.
- Many don't value prayer until they clog a toilet at someone else's house.
- I debated a flat-earther once. He said he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong. Eventually, he'll come around.
- Nudists don't have to worry about pickpocketing.
- I told a teenager today that I used to get 10 CD's in the mail for a penny, and I didn't know if she didn't know what a CD was, a penny or the mail was, or all three.
- Being an adult is eating the pizza crust not because you like it, but because you paid for it.
- My wife says I don't have faults, I don't listen and something else.
- Please, if you're under 30 and saying, "Back in the day", your "day" was five minutes ago. Sit down.
- How to calm a woman down: "You're just acting like your mom."
- IN MY 20's: As long as I'm in bed by 3am, I'm good. TODAY: We can't start movie now! It's 8:30!
- If they'd only invent an alarm clock that releases spiders, I'd never oversleep.
- I remember my teacher saying I would never get a job gazing out a window all day. Well, well, well, Mr. Harvey, look who's serving you at the drive through window at McDonald's!\
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- They say 60 is the new 40. The cop that pulled me over disagrees.
- Looking back at all the successes and failures in my life, I can't help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
- Sorry, but your password must contain: at least 8 letters upper and lower case, a symbol or a number, a hieroglyph, a haiku, a musical note, the feather of an eagle and a drop of unicorn blood.
- My biggest fear of becoming a zombie is all that walking.
- I finally got an emotional support pet. It's a chicken. It's crispy. It also came with a biscuit.
- I don't know who needs to hear this, but Hallmark is now selling Father's Day cards in packs of five.
- If you think California is taking a long time to count their votes, wait until you hear how long the Trump Admin is taking to release the Epstein Files as required by law.
- Friend: Take this pill. It'll make dancing more fun. Me: I don't do that stuff anymore. Friend: It's ibuprofen.
- "I just need to get my life together." - Me, in 2010, 2017, last year, this year and probably next week.
- Me: "What could possibly go wrong?" Anxiety: "Watch my Powerpoint."
- I told my husband that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life dependent on a machine and fluids.
- Crappy Diem: What happens when you seize the wrong day.
- Friend: Have you ever walked out of a job and said, "I'm not coming back!" Me: Every day.
- If you are grouchy, irritable or just downright mean, there will be a $10 charge for putting up with you.
- I'm officially a grown-up. I groan every time I get up.
- I'm at the age where if you text me after 9pm, I'm going to text back at 4:36am.
- Happy pride month to Home Depot for not selling a single piece of straight wood.
- Running late is my cardio.
- I don't always lose my phone... but when I do, it's on silent.
- Running is a great way to meet new people. Today, I met two EMTs, a nurse, and a cardiologist.
- Just because I'm awake doesn't mean I'm fully functioning.
- Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
- I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
- If I won a laziness award, I'd send someone to collect it.
TOP FIVE WEIRD WAYS TO DEAL WITH A SUMMER HEATWAVE
- Visit restaurants with fake I.D. as a Walk-In Freezer Inspector
- Intravenous Iced Coffee
- Figure out a way to hack into your neighbor's AC
- Head-in-Freezer Naps
- Wading Pool Pants
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU DIDN'T HAVE A REALLY GOOD WEEKEND
- You suddenly realized your wife's birthday was LAST weekend
- You've been put in charge of the Freedom 250 concert
- Hairstylist had a sneezing fit while giving you a trim
- The lawnmower started
- You went to bed Friday night and woke up Monday morning
TOP FIVE WORLD CUP PRODUCTS NOT ACTUALLY SANCTIONED BY FIFA
- Reese's Peanut Butter World Cups
- Dixie World Cups
- Official World Catcher's Cups
- Jell-O Pudding World Cups
- World Cup of Noodles
Laugh a little, would ya?
