A street preacher whose group screamed 'whores' and 'Jezebels' to concertgoers in a Mississippi town square won a unanimous victory at the Supreme Court on Friday, with the justices saying the law does not bar him from challenging local rules for where he can shout his message. A setback for harlots everywhere!
It's hard for me to figure out if our government is currently using Artificial Intelligence or the No-Intelligence option.
13% of people say they would be uncomfortable riding in an autonomous (driverless) vehicle. But 83% said they would be even more uncomfortable riding outside of it.
90% of us have embarrassed ourselves when our stomach growl happens in a quiet setting. That's the real reason I bring my emotional support dog, so I can blame him.
Yesterday was National Puppy Day, but we didn't want to rub your nose in it.
President Trump says he's still considering sending troops into Iran to battle the adults there. And, if things worsen, he'll send in Chappell Roan to deal with their kids.
Actually heard lawn mowers going in our neighborhood this weekend. Sickos.
According to Reader's Digest, road rage happens most often on Friday afternoons at 5:10pm. I'll see if my boss buys that for leaving early this week.
The average person has 24 pets in their lifetime. It only took six to cure me.
A new study says that an extra 11 minutes' sleep each night can reduce your heart attack risk. Actually, I prefer to get those at work.
I want Alan Ritchson to be my neighborhood Block Watch captain.
I really like watching Jeopardy at home because I get to yell out my answers without them being in the form of a question.
The number one thing we find attractive in a partner when we're younger is their looks, but after the age of 50 it's kindness. Once you're 70, it's breathing.
According to Gen Z, scrolling on your phone with your index finger is a sign you're old. That's why I use my tongue. It really freaks out the kids.
Yeah, these days, if the kids start misbehaving, we just threaten to invite over Chappell Roan.
As of early 2026, the average Tooth Fairy payout in the U.S. is $5.84 per tooth. I'm thinking, as if his job's not hard enough, now he has to have exact change. And all those pennies!
Iran is just like that kid down the street who stocked up on those illegal fireworks. You keep thinking, "He's GOTTA run out of those sometime soon!" and they just keep coming.
Sleep is the first thing most people think about every day. I'm so tired, every night, I dream about it.
The average person has at least an old key on their keychain that they haven't used in a year or longer. If you need one, I must have at least a dozen of them on my key ring.
Bill Maher said he avoided the big crash on Wall Street last week by selling all of his stocks and investing in Caesar Chavez Day party supplies.
Iran has a new propaganda video that simulates the Statue of Liberty being blown up. How barbaric! I mean, even when the apes take over in the future, at least they just tried to bury it.
The U.S. Postal Service is asking for a temporary 8% increase in rates to help deal with the increasingly high cost of the U.S. Postal Service.
And now that all the problems of the United States are behind us, Congress goes on a two-week vacation after today.
I would have to say, if I was one of Iran's leaders right now, I would not be very fond of their current retirement plan.
Parents tell their pre-teen children "no" almost 25 times a day. And is that enough times? Well, no.
A survey found that Americans are the third fastest at eating. I demand a challenge!
From Facebook:
- I've officially reached the age where, if I see a chair, I'll sit down.
- "You are still gangsta" I whisper to myself as I drink my chamomile tea and sit with a heating pad on my back.
- I got an elevator to the sixteenth floor, and as I got out, the operator said, "Have a good day, son." "Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad!" He said: "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?".
- Adulthood is realizing that the best place to park at a grocery store isn't near the entrance. It's next to the cart return.
- I woke up laughing today. I must have slept funny.
- Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going pee and back to bed.
- Somebody born in '33 was 45 in '78. That's gotta be some sort of record.
- I just Super Glued my thumb to my index finger. I'll be OK for a while.
- The relief you feel when those sounds in your house turn out to be ghosts and not something you have to fix.
- WIFE (seeing a man give flowers to a woman): Why don't you ever do that? ME: Because I don't know her.
- What is heavy forwards but not backwards? A ton.
- Sure, Alexander Graham Bell was great, but I'm more impressed by the work of his brother, Taco.
- She: Nice scent. That smells expensive. He: It's unleaded.
- I decided I was going to treat myself to something really expensive, so I filled up my gas tank.
- I put my phone down to be productive. I picked it back up to Google why I lack motivation.
- I have reached the age where my favorite sound is complete silence.
- Nothing tests a friendship like helping someone move and realizing they own a piano.
- I started the day with a plan. That was adorable.
- I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
- I need a vacation from my vacation planning.
- I love how my plans and reality have never once met.
- I cleaned today. Not enough to notice, but enough to be tired.
- I'm sorry, but shouldn't British websites use biscuits instead of cookies?
- When you read that bananas help clean your colon, just for the record, that meant you're supposed to eat.
- I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia. She leaned forward and whispered, "They're behind you."
- The pollen is so thick, I just coughed up two daffodils and a pine cone this morning.
- I've had my patience tested. I'm negative.
- Bathroom hand dryers are a great way to kill a couple of minutes before you wipe your hands on your pants.
- There's a new restaurant called Karma. No menu, you just get what you deserve.
- Coffee: The stabbing, slapping, punching, kicking, cussing inhibitor so you don't have to go to jail medicine.
- I was sitting this morning drinking coffee in my slippers when I thought, "You know, I really need to wash some cups."
- This meeting could've been a coffee.
- If being tired were a job, I'd be employee of the month.
- My personality is 30% coffee, 30% snacks, 40% wondering why I walked into this room.
- Some days I'm unstoppable. Other days I stop.
- I had a plan. I just didn't follow it.
- I will not be taking questions at this time.
- If my child is quiet, something is broken.
- When I drink alcohol, everyone says I'm an alcoholic. But whenever I drink Fanta, no one says I'm fantastic.
- My mind is exceptionally quiet today. I'm suspicious. I might be up to something I don't want me to know about.
- I can't believe this is the same brain that once memorized 52 channels by heart.
- I laugh at my own jokes because I'm the main audience. You all are just along for the ride!
- Getting older is like being in a haunted house...there are smells and sounds that cannot be explained.
- Every morning, I tell myself that I'm going to be productive. Then coffee and I have a long talk about how to lower expectations.
- What a lame planet! No fairies, dragons or mermaids. Just bills and annoying people.
- When I saw Bed, Bath and Beyond, just know that I'm talking about Bath and Body Works.
- 6:30 is my favorite time of day on the clock, hands down.
- I've started a dating website for chickens. It's not my full-time job. It's just to help make hens meet.
- I think it's wrong that only one company makes Monopoly.
- I hear the guy who invented Mentos made a mint.
- I'm delusional, but self-aware. I call it Delaware.
- This morning I drank coffee so strong it briefly gave me confidence and opinions I was not qualified to have.
TOP FIVE MOVIES INSPIRED BY SPRING
- "Saturday Night Hay-Fever"
- "April Showers Club"
- "Spring Hard"
- "Field of Greens"
- "The Sound of Mucus"
TOP FIVE SIGNS GAS PRICES HAVE GONE UP WAY TOO FAR
- The three grades of gas are now regular, painful and insane
- Payment methods are now cash, credit, kidneys, souls and firstborns
- Instead of gas station attendants, there are financial advisers
- Price is now for only one-tenth of a gallon
- There's now a "Fill up Your Tank" crisis hotline
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR FAVORITE BASEBALL TEAM IS NOT GOING TO DO WELL THIS YEAR
- Manager opens the season by announcing that crying is now allowed in baseball
- Batboy insists on wearing mask, for anonymity
- For some reason, the catcher keeps facing the wrong way
- Half the lineup has requested to hit off a tee
- Team's pitching ace throws underhanded
TOP FIVE LEAST SUCCESSFUL BASEBALL GAME PROMOTIONS
- Five Star Chili/Restrooms Closed Night
- Wedgie Night
- Team Mascots Battle to the Death Night
- "Who Wants to Pitch?" Night
- Free Brick Night
TOP FIVE THINGS THEY COULD DO TO MAKE BASEBALL MORE ENTERTAINING
- Team mascot and hungry Bengal tiger races
- Every 10th pitch is actually a water balloon
- Whoopie bases
- Bat Boys replaced with actual bats
- Robot umpires with lasers as weapons
Laugh a little, would ya?
