Putting it simply: Put your damn "It's Fall Y'All" signs away. Too early.
President Trump has slapped double-digit tariffs on dozens of U.S. trading partners. The lesson here: If you're a country, don't be friends with the United States. Then you wouldn't have these problems.
Online music sales for Madonna, BTS, and Justin Bieber went up after their appearance in that FIFA World Cup halftime show. No word yet on music sales for the Muppets.
A Florida man is suing OpenAI for giving him potentially life-threatening medical advice. I would never ask OpenAI for medical advice. That's what Claude is for.
If you're in a hurry, you're in the wrong life.
Frankly, I'm kinda surprised there isn't a band out there yet calling themselves Cyclosporiasis.
Shark Week is underway on the Discovery Channel. Its been so good this year, I've already signed up for a couple of the sharks on Only Fins.
Larry The Cable Guy had to be hospitalized last week in Nebraska and was diagnosed with appendicitis by his physician, Bob the Doctor Guy.
Well, I've survived "Shark Week" so far...
The U.K.'s royal family has announced that on Prince Harry's next visit, he'll be staying at Buckingham Palace. On his most recent visit, he spent most of his time in the royal doghouse.
Mitch McConnell's staff released another "proof of life" photo to show he's OK. If only there was a way to record video on a common device that everyone carried around with them...
4% of Americans think there are too many holidays. Those are the ones to ask if they'll work for you on one of those excessive holidays.
One in five men always take a hair-dryer on vacation. Huh. I usually just take my wife.
It appears that President Trump attended Tuesday's afternoon nap for the late Lindsey Graham.
They say that wine sales have plummeted so much that some wineries in California are burning their fields! C'mon people, do your jobs!
They've released 14 new photos from Prince Charles and Princess Diana's 1981 wedding, for those of you really behind in current events.
And, why are people rehashing that wedding? It's like celebrating the launch of the Titanic! We all know how it ends... (oh, too soon?)
Nearly 50% of parents have regretted giving their kids a credit card. To be completely honest-that thought never even occurred to me.
The United States gets most of its Christmas trees from Oregon and North Carolina. I cut mine down several years ago on Amazon.
Only 5 Sundays until my football team dictates my entire mood.
Had a full moon out there last night. It's known in July as a Buck Moon...although, with inflation it's now a buck and a half.
I no longer "get down" like I used to...too hard to get back up.
The latest poll shows President Trump's approval rating has slipped below "Police Academy 9."
To be honest, I'm kind of surprised after all these Spider-Man movies that not one time he's had to face a villain called, "The Kleenex!"
Too soon to say, "Back to school?" Asking for a parent...
FROM FACEBOOK
- ME: Are you still mad? WIFE: No. ME: Oh, good. I love you. WIFE: Good for you.
- I don't need an alarm clock anymore. Every morning, my back, bladder and knees are in a race to see who can wake me up first.
- Just because you don't drink doesn't mean you've got a bright future.
- What does a painter do when he gets cold? He puts on another coat.
- If I had to choose between my morning coffee and...never mind, I've made my decision.
- Behind every great man is the drawer I'm trying to get to. Why are you even in the kitchen?
- Had a brain fart today, but I blamed it on the ketchup bottle.
- My favorite phrase lately: "Too bad he doesn't eat more lettuce."
- Sometimes I like to squeeze in a quick cup of coffee between the other cups of coffee.
- Weird trend at work in the company fridge. People are naming the food. Today, I ate a tuna sandwich named Linda.
- It's so hot, my garlic took its cloves off.
- My process for getting out of bed in the morning has been compared to a flipped over beetle.
- Is getting older just joint pain and suspecting everyone is up to something? Asking for a friend.
- My five year plan is to figure out dinner.
- My dog winks at me sometime and I wink back, just in case it's some kind of code.
- Please do not wear flipflops if your feet look like you could swoop out of the sky and snatch their dinner from a lake.
- What a fricking year this week has been!
- On a hat: "Undiagnosed, but something's wrong"
- May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your enemy's crotch and may his arms be too short to scratch.
- Me: Is the number for alcoholics? Voice on phone: Yes. Me: How do you make Mojito?
- If a church serves noodles for communion does that make the Ramen Catholics?
- I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three or four times to make sure it's really a mistake.
- At least what's wrong with me made me really funny.
- I put my grandma on speed dial. I call that "Instagram."
- Friend: Your body is a temple. Me: At best, it's a bouncy house with a small leak that is slowly deflating.
- My kids have started removing one letter from bad words so they can call each other names without getting in trouble. I removed the first letter from the home WIFI system. Your move, itches.
- If you see someone crying, quietly ask them if it's because of their haircut.
- I have good problem-solving skills, but where I really shine is my skill at creating problems.
- I like it when rain is misty and you get to feel like grocery store broccoli for a while.
- How to break up nicely: I think it's time to take this relationship to its previous level.
- You know, you can just start calling yourself 'an Olympic hopeful'. You don't have to fill out a form or anything.
- Isn't it a bit unnerving that what doctors do is called a "practice?"
- If baseball really wanted to get exciting, they'd let a celebrity throw the last pitch. Bases loaded and here comes Danny Devito.
- Puns about poop aren't my favorite, but they're a solid number two.
- I bought quick oats and two days later, my roommate bought instant oats. I will not be humiliated. I must find an even sooner oat.
- If Genghis Kahn, so Khan you.
- My retirement plan is to just go feral in the woods and throw pine cones at hikers. I'm real close to starting early.
- Just swallowed my probiotic with a martini in case anyone is looking for a health coach.
- My coworker almost died today. He doesn't know it, but he definitely almost did.
- Today I heard someone say, "Real wealth is mental health." Great... I'm broke twice now.
- Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
- I'm officially using, "Go eat a bagged salad!" as an insult.
- Costco's business model is basically: You came for toothpaste. Here's a kayak. Let's hope I leave here with just what I came for. Probably not.
- Drinking with a collapsed paper straw while finding yourself surrounded by data centers is a very 2026 experience.
- I start every day by dragging myself out of bed and saying, "C'mon Barbie, let's go party!"
- I bought some balsamic vinegar. It expires in 2030. I hope I have my life together by then.
- If no one has told you that you're beautiful yet today, keep scrolling. It could be down there somewhere.
- If you think the world revolves around you, you're either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
- I hang up after the 3rd ring because anything after that is begging.
- I miss publicly shaming people by removing them from my top 8 on MySpace.
TOP FIVE HINTS AT YOUR NFL TEAM'S TRAINING CAMP THAT INDICATE IT COULD BE A LONG SEASON
- Star quarterback nursing hangnail injury
- Why is there a "Jumping offsides" drill?
- The crowd cheers the loudest when camp is over
- Busiest place at camp: the injury tent
- Well, there are those pillow drills
TOP FIVE WAYS TO CELEBRATE NATIONAL INTERN DAY TODAY
- Tell them they've been promoted to CEO and point out their new office
- Secretly record them after you ask, "What do you hate about this company?"
- Let them take credit for something they did today, but just today
- Buy them lunch from Taco Bell and see if it's safe yet
- Have them write a top five list, like I did
TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT GROUP YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT JOINING IS A CULT
- No one is ever seen again after KoolAid Tuesdays
- The vows require you to renounce Costco
- Everyone laughs at the leader's jokes five seconds longer than necessary.
- They worship the god of Kalshi
- The sign out front that says, "We're not a cult."
Laugh a little, would ya?
