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Our 1,054th Edition
April 22nd, 2016

"The next time you're down in the dumps, look for a bedframe for me."
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U2's Bono says the U.S. should use comedy to fight terrorism and send Amy Schumer and Chris Rock to fight Isis. I'm sure they'd kill. Isis, that is.

The government says that more airline flights were on time with fewer cancellations last year but with more passenger complaints. To me, that says the complaints are working.

Mackenzie Douthit from "Teen Mom 3" is expecting her third child. Another case of art imitating real life imitating the art of real life.

Gwyneth Paltrow says she would rather "smoke crack" than eat spray cheese. That still makes her a cheap date.

Arthur Anderson, the voice of Lucky Charms' Lucky the Leprechaun has died at age 93. He's magically deceased.

My allergies are killing me. I'm this close to running outside, laying on the ground and making pollen angels.

Monday was "Income Tax Day" for most of the country. Once again, for our family, it was "Extension Day!"

A man in Athens, Greece was arrested after using a can of flatulence spray to stink up a bar. Of course, what I take from this story is, "Flatulence spray? Cool! I gotta get some!"

Meghan Trainor says men are not asking her out ever since she became a pop star. It's apparently NOT all about that bass...

A report says that thieves are targeting California almond and walnut crops. You might be asking yourself, "What kind of nuts... ?" And I'll repeat, they were almonds and walnuts.

Jamaica is considering ousting Queen Elizabeth II as their official head of state. Needless to say, she is not amused...

Jeb Bush says he won't be attending the Republican National Convention this summer. It's tough for the kid who was always stuffed into the locker to go back to the locker room.

Donald Trump accidentally referred to September 11th as 7-11 at a New York rally on Monday. Hey, mistakes happen. Every now and then, I mistake him for a serious presidential candidate.

Seattle had 80-degree temperatures for three days in a row in April for the first time, ever! The good news---the Space Needle is now sterilized.

Seattle Seahawks safety Earl Thomas got married last weekend. I'm going to assume that the guy's side of the wedding party was referred to as "the Legion of Groom."

Before I go see Captain America fighting with Iron Man, I just need to know that they at least tried counseling first.

The governor of Utah says that pornography is where tobacco was 70 years ago. I have to say, it you're smoking, you might be doing it wrong.

A new Oxford study claims that women with big butts are smarter. Probably not a good time to tell your wife she’s a genius.
The first-ever naked restaurant in London has opened up, called Bunyadi. As a suggestion, I wouldn’t order the sizzling fajitas.
A report says that by 2025, two thirds of all transactions will be carried out by cellphones and not cash.  Someone remind me again—what is this “cash” thing?
Gwen Stefani has announced a tour with Eve. Yes, she’s toured with people before, but this Summer’s Eve.
The Golden Globes says it is changing its rules to prevent some movies from wrongly being classified as comedies, which of course, leaves all Adam Sandler movies without a category.
Designer Marc Jacobs is promoting his new line of nail polish…for men. He says he wants to put more of the man in manicure. Let me be among the first to put a little more F into “No effin’ way!”

  1. A great tasting diet beer
  2. The Headless Horsemen takes out the TV execs trying to cancel "Sleepy Hollow"
  3. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse enter the Kentucky Derby
  4. Donald Trump's hair goes flat
  5. All of the Kardashians start avoiding publicity
  1. You probably shouldn't have had them prepared by
  2. What's with all the Mr. Yuk stickers on every page?
  3. Seriously, there is no Good Looks deduction
  4. Trying to write off your Oakland Raiders season tickets as loss
  5. Filling them out in crayon won't help
  Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
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