They say once you go WACK, you never go back

Our 1,056th Edition
May 6th, 2016
"Hi Mom!"
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OK, let's get out there and hit those "After Cinco de Mayo Sales."

A new study says that retirement can be hazardous to your health. Good thing I can't afford to retire until my early 120's.

A study says that sugar can cause brain damage. This might explain why the Easter Bunny keeps coming on a different Sunday every year. The guy just can't keep it straight.

McDonald's is testing a simpler recipe for its McNuggets. May I suggest just using chicken?

A study says that Type 2 Diabetes may damage a person's hearing. It was that or either "ravage a purse with earrings."

Dyson has launched a $399 supersonic home hair dryer. $399 for something that would happen anyway if you gave it enough time.

So, with all the Sports Authority stores closing, what will they call the place where the Denver Bronco's play? No Longer The Authority Stadium?

They may be breaking up, but Kelly and Michael won a Daytime Emmy for their show. Michael doesn't know where he's going to put his statue. Meanwhile, Kelly has a suggestion.

The CEO of Yahoo, Marissa Mayer, would get $55-million to leave Yahoo if it is sold. I would have done it for only $45-million.

Sony has filed for a patent for new contact lenses that can record video, store it, play it back - and adjust zoom, focus and aperture automatically. I can almost see the "12, 12, 12" flashing in front of me.

A company claims its new cat collar can translate meows to human speech. I think a lot of cat owners will be disturbed to find out the only things they say are, "Feed me," "Pet me" and "God, I can't stand you."

A British doctor says that someone who has already been born will live to be 1,000. The key is, of course, being really bad at math.

Ted Cruz' father says his son decided to run for President after God spoke to his wife. See, not even God wants to deal with Ted directly.

I wonder if the message was "I want Ted to run"... but she missed the second half, "... off a cliff!"

A woman is suing Starbucks for $5-million because she says they put too much ice in her coffee drink. Well, actually, it was $1-million for the ice and $4-million for spelling her name wrong every time.

Steven Tyler is going on a solo concert tour this summer. Don't know if the giant Skittles face will go with him or even if it's put back together.

The Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, The Who, Neil Young, Paul McCartney and Roger Waters will be performing at a 3-day festival this fall in California. I believe the concert is called, "Catch 'em quick while they're still here."

This is National Small Business Week. A special salute to all of those Small Businesses, especially the ones that used to be Big Businesses.

The musical "Hamilton" picked up 16 Tony nominations. Of course, one the categories was "Most likely to stay on the $10 bill."

Bernie Sanders says he loves social media, but if he has to snap the whole time he's chatting, he's not gonna do it.

The parents of a baby who was recently born on a Jetstar plane have announced that they are naming him after the airline. Little baby Jetstar is now home with his mom and dad and older sister Uber.

A 100-year-old Brooklyn woman has become the oldest runner to ever cross the finish line in the 100-meter dash. They say she ran it in Tuesday flat.

Experts are warning that driverless cars could encourage bored passengers to have sex behind the wheel. One way to prevent that: make sure that all drivers and passengers are married.

Then there's guy spotted in New York holding a cardboard sign that read, "Give me a dollar or I vote for Trump." (not making that up)

My buddy Skip Tucker asks why they don't sell advertising on the Incredible Hulk. After all, he's a giant Banner.

“The Shining” is being performed in Minnesota as an opera. It isn’t over until the Fat Lady is terrorized by evil twins.

McDonald’s is testing garlic fries in California, while Arizona is saying, “Oh, THAT’S where the smell was coming from!”
 
Caitlyn Jenner is going to pose nude on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Does anybody remember asking anyone asking?
 
Have you ever noticed there’s never a bee around when you need a nail pulled out?
 
Just thinking this out loud: if you have a problem with a store’s bathroom policy, why not just go before you go there?

TOP FIVE THINGS NOT TO SAY TO MOM ON MOTHER'S DAY

1. "Am I the reason for those crow's feet?"
2. "I hope you don't mind, but this is last year's card... again"
3. "Can I borrow $20?"
4. "Mom, there's something that happen in high school that I want to tell you about, now that the statute of limitations has passed... "
5. "Remember the first time we say each other and I was naked?"

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A STAR WARS FAN

1. You opened a shoe store called... "Shoe bacca"
2. You start every day by saying, "Aw, the force awakens!"
3. You went to the senior home and put "Luke Sky" on all the walkers
4. You count like this: "Obi-Won, Obi-Two, Obi-Three... "
5. You constantly refer to work as "the Death Star"

 

TOP FIVE REASONS YOU PROBABLY WON'T COME BACK TO THIS RESTAURANT

1. Only restaurant in town with its own coroner.
2. There are always ambulances parked outside, but no one in the restaurant
3. Instead of a daily special, they have a "Roadkill of the Day"
4. Your waiter recommended the restaurant next door
5. The staff's constant use of the phrase, "Get it yourself"

PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!