The chief creative officer for Chipotle is facing charges for buying cocaine seven times since January. Well, that explains the mirrors on the bathroom counters.
In Uruguay last week, they held a cannabis cup, where a panel of experts judged marijuana on aroma, flavor, effects, and strength. They had winners, but the judges couldn't remember where they put the trophies.
After Donald Trump's acceptance speech last Thursday night, did you notice as he gathered on the stage with his family and the running mate, that the song playing in the background was, "You can't always get what you want?" Not making this up...
A TSA worker in Seattle has been arrested on voyeurism charges. I've seen the people waiting in line. This guy is sick.
Boy, this day is moving slower than a Starbucks line at the airport...
Dating app Tinder has a new feature that lets people go out on group dates, which is perfect, because I always hated seeing a girl walk home alone.
A study says that 1 in 10 Americans have experienced tinnitus. If you're not sure what that is, but the name rings a bell, you could have it!
They say Sweden is introducing the six-hour work day to the world. HA! I've been doing that for years!
The Democrats have put up an 8-foot fence around their convention site. Now, if they could just get Mexico to pay for it...
Temperatures are soaring at the Democratic Convention. So much, Hillary was breaking out in a sweat... on top of her two email sweats.
The NFL has cleared Peyton Manning of those accusations he had taken human growth hormone. In fact, the official announcement sounded like this: (sing it to the Nationwide theme song) "He did not take HGH."
The Mark Hotel in New York City is offering the most expensive hotel room in the world at $75,000 a night. Don't even think about touching anything in the mini-fridge.
7-Eleven has made the first commercial drone delivery in Reno, Nevada. It also meant that a hot dog left it's spot on the grill almost five years early!
A study says memory loss is not always the first sign of dementia. Unfortunately, I don't remember what the first sign is...
Joe Biden says that Donald Trump “doesn’t have a clue about middle class.” To which Trump responded, “I most certainly do. It’s that part of the plane between First Class and Coach.”
Dr. Neil Clark Warren is stepping down as CEO and spokesman for dating site eHarmony.com. He had been planning to do that for a while but, ironically, had trouble coming up with a date.
Donald Trump has been told by producers to stop using the music from the movie “Air Force One.” But he has been given the go-ahead to use any of the songs from “Armageddon.”
Two new species of scorpions have been found in Arizona. Most likely, in a shoe.
Verizon has purchased Yahoo and plans to merge it with AOL, which would make Yahooaol, right? Sounds like a character on Star Trek.
So, if Hillary Clinton becomes president, what do we call her husband? First Man? I doubt that. First Gentlemen? We know that’s not true.
Seth Myers had a funny line: “Booing is just how people exhale in Philadelphia.”
President Obama passed the baton to Hillary Clinton this week. Well, he called it a baton, Bill called it a weapon.
They’ve found a 1964 Rice Krispies TV commercial, with a theme song done by the Rolling Stones. Ironically, all these years later, it’s the band that makes the snap, crackle and pop sounds, just sitting there.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE FLYING A REALLY CHEAP AIRLINE
- The captain shows up wearing a parachute
- The free in-flight movie isn't a talkie
- The crew is selling tickets for the restroom lottery
- All the flight attendants are wearing ankle bracelets
- The bag of peanuts was half-filled and Scotch-tape shut
TOP FIVE UNSUCCESSFUL FIRST ATTEMPTS AT PRODUCTS YOU KNOW
- Kleenex Spider Killers
- Almond Mildly Enthusiastic (not Joy)
- Starburnt Coffee
- Actually, I can believe it's not butter
- Pokemon Stay
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, 
