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Our 1,069th Edition
August 5th, 2016

"There's Seafair. Do you think there was ever an A or B-Fair?""
These jokes are available on a daily basic
through Radio-Online. Click here for a free demo

The campaign slogan of the political group I need to find: "The other candidate forced me to go with them."

A Brazilian doctor says athletes at the Rio Olympics will literally be swimming in human waste. So this year, if the silver medals looks bronze, well...

Forrest Mars, Jr., the former President of Mars candy has died at age 84. He was said to be a healthy eater, although he always had a few Twix up his sleeve.

Apple says they have now sold over 1-billion iPhones and, at latest count, they've been responsible for ruining over 3-trillion movies.

The Rio Olympic Games kick off this Friday. It's hard to tell who's more excited -- sports fans from around the world, or the local mosquitoes!

They say because of the Zika virus that we should avoid getting bit by mosquitoes. Do you know anyone actively trying to get bit?

Skydiver Luke Aikins became the first person to jump from a plane into a net on the ground without the benefit of a parachute. For his next stunt, Luke plans to vote for president without the benefit of a great candidate.

The Smithsonian Museum wants to hire an expert they will pay $64,000 a year to drink and research beer. The career counselor never mentioned that one back in high school...

Danny Trejo and Betty White will reportedly star in an action movie set in a retirement home. Never thought you'd hear the words "Betty White" and "action movie" together in a sentence, did you?

You know, if you had said there would be a huge controversy involving Khan this summer, my bet would have been with Captain Kirk instead of Donald Trump.

Japanese researchers say they appear to have discovered a new species of whale. When asked how they would describe it, they said, "delicious."

Health officials say that, because of the Zika outbreak, we should avoid mosquito bites. Do you know anyone who's actively trying to get bitten?

Kim Kardashian says that she wants to have more privacy. She made the announcement on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat.

The leader of that "Nigerian Prince" email scam has been arrested. Gee, I hope the Prince is doing O.K.

I was trying to think of the last time I listened to Rush Limbaugh on the radio. It was at least two or three wives ago.

A new study says that 98% of head lice are now resistant to common treatments. Well, that's a head scratcher.

At the rate my hair is falling out, they'll be homeless in no time.

There are now less than 100 days before the presidential election. I can't decide if I feel distraught or terrified.

Skip Bayless is heading from ESPN to FOX Sports, saying leaving ESPN is like "taking off the handcuffs." Not to publicly correct him, but the "taking off the handcuffs" channel is a higher than FOX Sports.

A study says a diet with lean protein from nuts, chicken and fish reduces a person's risk of dying compared to eating red meat. The drawback, of course, is that you spend your entire life eating nothing but nuts, chicken and fish.

A McDonald's in Missouri is planning to offer customers all-you-can-eat French fries. That'll help.

McDonald's says it will remove all artificial preservatives from its Chicken McNuggets. Now the only thing left to do is explain which part of the chicken is the McNugget.

A survey says that two thirds of Americans want college to be free... and 90% of those people would also accept anything else that would get their kids out of the house.

A man in Turkey had to have 88 kidney stones removed. This could pave the way for the creation of the first kidney stone piano.

They say that 12,000 sex workers have headed to Rio for the Olympic Games. That’s odd, but you would think I would have remembered the event for that.
Mel Gibson and Sean Penn are set to star in a movie called “The Professor and the Madman.” Your guess as to who plays who.
A mysterious “creepy” clown has reportedly been seen walking around Green Bay, Wisconsin. What makes him “creepy” is that he’s not wearing a cheesehead.
Vanilla Ice reportedly had a public meltdown at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. Ironically, just like his music, no one really listened.

Donald Trump had another awkward moment today. Well, actually, it hasn’t happened yet, but really, it’s just a matter of time.
Ozzy Osbourne’s alleged mistress is suing his daughter for defamation of character. This family is turning into a reality show…again….


  1. "Bourne in a crossfire hurricane" (but it's alright now, in fact it's a gas)
  2. "Baby you were Bourne this way"
  3. "Bourne to lose"
  4. "Bourne with a silver spoon in his mouth"
  5. "Bourne in the back seat"


  1. Her constant use of the phrase, "What do you think I am? A mindreader?"
  2. Her crystal ball is actually a balloon
  3. You say "Nostradamus" and she asks, "Nostra who?"
  4. This November, she's predicting a Mitt Romney landslide
  5. She acts surprised to see you
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
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