Remember, the journey of a thousand steps is too far. I'm calling an Uber.
The Emmy Awards are this Sunday. At our house, you have to take a shot every time you say, "Which show just won? Never heard of it."
A cafe in Australia is offering a coffee that is 80-times stronger than espresso and can keep people up for 18 hours. I believe it's called Lutheran Blend.
Oliver Stone says he'll eat his bleepin' shirt if Donald Trump gets elected president. Just in case, if it were me, I'd start wearing bologna shirts.
South Korea says that North Korea has detonated a nuclear device, based on seismic activity. North Korean leader Kim Jong-un is blaming his dog.
From radio brother, Matt Case: If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
When I notice something that could make a big difference, I call it, "a game changer." But I notice I'm using "a game changer" way too often. So, from now on, I'm going to refer to those things as "a deal maker." I think that phrase could be a real game changer.
Three dozen Amish adults in Ohio were sentenced for their part in a wild Amish party that included alcohol being served to minors. I hear they were partying like it 1899!
North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has reportedly banned sarcasm in the country. Now THAT'S brilliant! (and in North Korea, that would get me 10-20 years)
A poll says that 6 in 10 Americans are confident in the accuracy of the U.S. vote count. However, 12 out of 10 people say they question the polling results.
Kendall and Kylie Jenner were rescued after being stuck in an elevator for 20 minutes. If nothing else, it was less embarrassing than that time they got stuck on an escalator.
Italy's Supreme Court has ruled that public masturbation is no longer a crime in that country. What kind of whack jobs have they got on their courts? Probably a bad way to put it... ...
The tough part about Ryan Lochte being attacked on "Dancing with the Stars" Monday night -- even though it happened on live TV, still, no one believes him.
I find it odd that the iPhone 7 is getting reviews like "An excellent camera that is able to get wet." Makes me wonder why someone like Canon doesn't come from the opposite direction: "An excellent camera that makes great phone calls!"
Colin Kaepernick continued kneeling during the National Anthem on Monday. It makes sense. Kneeling is much closer to bench level than standing.
Burger King has introduced its new Cheetos chicken fries. For those who feel they're just not eating unhealthy enough.
Wal-Mart is said to be developing the self-driving grocery cart. Can the robo-greeter be far behind?
Boy, I'm moving slower this morning than a police car on its way to Colin Kaepernick's home after a break in.
A report says that 7.8% of people in the military, or about 1 out of every 13 of soldiers are overweight. Generals began to get concerned when they noticed that several platoons only had one person in them.
Australia is considering postponing their upcoming election because of faulty glue on postal forms. I wish that was the worst of our problems...
Chipotle is testing deliveries by drone. First, we're starting with our enemies. Then, once we know the food is safe, we'll try it here...
Sri Lanka has been declared free of malaria. The vacation plans are back on!
Sharon Osbourne says that during her breakdown in 2015, she woke up in the hospital and for three days knew nothing….or, as husband Ozzy calls that, “my career.”
An Australian woman spent $400 to save her goldfish that was choking on a pebble in its bowl, completely ignoring the old “flush and replace” trick.
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump promise to release the truth about their medical condition. Where’s Mythbusters when you really need them?
I’m thinking I’ll buy a season’s pass this year. Oh, not for skiing. For the Olive Garden. They call it their “Pasta Pass.” Man, am I in shape!
A 700-pound woman is trying to hit 1,000 pounds to reach her goal of becoming the World’s Fattest Woman. It’s smart to have goals. Just not that one.
From Facebook: They hold elections in November because it’s the perfect month to pick out a turkey!
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR FAVORITE CANDIDATE'S HEALTH IS IN QUESTION
- The party is thinking of replacing them with Keith Richards
- Wait -- that's not the actual candidate: it's a hologram!
- Wearing inflatable Sumo suit at campaign appearances
- At every campaign stop, there are buzzards circling overhead
- Party headquarters has organized an "Are they going to make it?" pool
TOP FIVE THINGS PEOPLE FIND OUT WHEN THEY GET MARRIED
- There are two ways to load the dishwasher: your way and the right way.
- Cleaning the house every two years doesn't work for everybody
- For some reason, not everyone can hit the garbage can
- Some people aren't comfortable with moldy refrigerators
- How can you be out of money when you still have checks in the checkbook?
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, 
