While we were enjoying our holiday break, there was a terrible disturbance in the Force.
From my buddy, Rick Taylor: "My resolution for the New Year is 1920x1080"
Sometimes, we forget about the little times we should cherish each and every day. Other times, we forget about..............................
The Space Station astronauts welcomed in the New Year, toasting with a Tang-like drink. NASA has a strict no-alcohol policy. That, in a nutshell, explains why I gave up my dream of becoming an astronaut.
A Malaysian man is seeking a refund after a failed exorcism. It's only fair. If it had been successful and he didn't pay, he probably would have been repossessed.
Arnold Schwarzenegger's new catchphrase on The New Celebrity Apprentice is, "You're terminated. Get to the chopper." Which is ironically what Donald Trump tweeted to North Korea moments ago.
The best New Year's resolution heard so far: "I'm going to stop procrastinating, starting next month."
Saw this on the Internet: I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
My radio brother Fitz says that Donald Trump is having trouble finding entertainers willing to perform at his inauguration. It's gotten so bad, he's even thinking of asking Mariah Carey to sing live.
Mariah Carey says her chance to get out in front of the country & impress them was sabotaged. Bernie Sanders responded, "Tell me about it."
The new governor of Puerto Rico is making a big push for that country to become our 51st state. That'll mess up your flag field.
Then there's the woman who told me her New Year's resolution is to help her friends all gain 10-pounds each, so it makes her look skinny.
The worst city for bed bugs: Washington, D.C. Apparently, they're less pickier than we all thought.
I just have a hard time imagining those disgusting, awful creatures and why the bed bugs want to be around them.
Funny line from New Year’s Eve: “And I thought I was the only one who didn’t know the words to Mariah Carey songs.”
Mark Zuckerberg says he is no longer an atheist. Well, yeah—he has to say he has more money than somebody!
A study says only 77% of all New Year’s resolutions are still being kept after the first week of the New Year. See, and one of mine was to stop looking at the results of ridiculous studies, so there you go.
A study says anxiety can cause dogs’ hair to turn gray. Can “Just for Dogs” be far behind?
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU NEED STRONGER COFFEE
- You just said "Good Morning" to your plants and watered the boss
- You're ordering a cup of coffee while holding a cup of coffee
- You've been banned at Starbucks for being "too weak"
- You showed up to work without pants... again...
- You keep writing 2014 as the year
OUR TOP FIVE PREDICTIONS FOR 2017
- The Dow Jones will hit the 20,000 level and will be charged with assault
- Tesla perfects the self-driving car with a self-tipping robot
- Astronomers discover a new planet and name it Jennifer Lawrence because, let's face it, astronomers are lonely
- The Wells Fargo phony account scandal worsens, as it turns out Wells Fargo never really existed
- It will be revealed Betty White is bionic
