Patrick Stewart will be voicing the "poop" emoji in the upcoming film, "The Emoji Movie." I'm sorry, that should have been Sir Patrick Stewart, the turd.
When is National Take Your Flask to Work Day? Whenever the boss catches you with one.
McDonald's is adding two new Big Mac sandwiches to their menu: the Mac Jr. and the Grand Mac. Nothing yet on the rumored Heart-a-Mac concept...
Frankly, I've always considered email to be my alternative fax.
Donald Trump set the record for the most prayers said during a presidential inauguration. And that's just including the ones at the Capitol building.
A poll says 28% of federal employees are considering quitting their jobs under President Trump. However, if they just wait, the problem could solve itself.
A report says more parents are using hypnosis to help their children in school and sports. The heck with that, how about cleaning up their rooms?
Donald Trump has been named the Greatest President Of All Time by the Comedy Writers of America.
Apparently, the San Francisco 49ers have whittled their list of potential new head coaches to Kyle Shanahan and El Chapo.
About as unlikely as "Titanic 2."
Donald Trump said he was going to be about creating jobs. He's giving Alec Baldwin work for at least four years.
La La Land's 14 Oscar nominations either means a great movie or Russian hackers are trying to increase their appreciation of the arts.
The new Whitehouse.gov website has gone to an English-only content. OK, there's Trump's first wall.
Scientists say that French fries increase the risk of cancer. So, just remember -- the next time they ask you, "Would you like fries with that?" they're actually saying, "I wish you were dead!"
Gavin Rossdale says divorcing Gwen Stefani was "the opposite" of what he wanted. In Gavin's defense, who knew fathering a child with the nanny would have such dire consequences?
Rapper Snoop Dogg recently revealed that country music singer Willie Nelson is the only person who can "out-smoke" him. For those who find that surprising, we're giving you an honorary 3rd place.
The makers of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter are changing the name of their product. However, they're ignoring my suggestion, which was "I can."
Massachusetts authorities have arrested a Brazilian man after they found $17-million stuff inside his mattress. Police say he was money laundering and not getting very much sleep.
Olive Garden has a new offer: Never-ending Classics -- which means, for $11.99, you can have all the pasta you can eat. They also announced their new slogan: "Bet we can make you explode!"
According to University of London research, you can get happier by taking off all your clothes. (or, in your case, we’d be happier if you put them back on)
HP is recalling 100,000 batteries over the possibility they may overheat and cause fires. They promise to investigate and see how they Samsung’d that up.
I’m surprised they haven’t changed the name of the TV show “This is us” to “This is us without Jack.”
My friend Dale Amundsen heard someone complain to a waitress at a restaurant about the service and the waitress responded, “Hey, I can’t please everyone. I’m not bacon!”
Aw, bacon—nature’s most perfect food. It covers the four major food groups: meat, sugar, salt and fat!
The people who run the Doomsday Clock—the one that theorizes how close we are to a nuclear war—have moved it 30-seconds closer to midnight due to the election of Donald Trump. Midnight—that’s when the big hand is on 12 and the little hand is on the president.
The next time Halley’s Comet will pass by the earth is 2062. With any luck, I should be able to afford to retire by then.
TOP FIVE POSSIBLE TITLES FOR HILLARY CLINTON'S NEW BOOK
TOP FIVE LEAST ROMANTIC VALENTINE'S DAY GIFTS
- "I told you so"
- "What Russia didn't find out"
- "Why I don't like the Electoral College"
- "What not to do with your emails"
- "When can I start saying, 'I Told You So?'