They say once you go WACK, you never go back

As ventriloquist Mark Merchant likes to say, if you're suffering from kleptomania, take something for it.

Soupman, the company of "Seinfeld" Soup Nazi fame has filed for bankruptcy. No success for you!

The Broadway show "Six Degrees of Separation" has closed. So, add another degree.

Amazon is buying Whole Foods for $13.77-billion. At any other store, it probably would have only been around $5-billion.

Over the weekend, Bill Cosby was chosen Mistrial of 2017.

From radio brother Skip Tucker: You matter. Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light... Then you energy.

All I saw Sunday on Facebook was, "I have the best Dad in the world." I believe it's time for a playoff system.

A matador tripped on his cape while bullfighting in Spain and was gored to death by a bull on live TV in Spain. It was the first bullfighting death in 30 years, if you don't count the bulls.

A survey says 7% of Americans think chocolate milk because of its color comes from brown cows. These are the same people who think you milk an alligator to get Gatorade.

KISS drummer Peter Criss says he is retiring from show business. I'm shocked -- I thought he had done that years ago.

IKEA recently announced that it will be launching a candle collection. Well, they're going to start selling wax, wicks and bottles of scent. You'll have to put the candles together yourself.

Bill Cosby's trial was declared a mistrial over the weekend. So on Sunday, he celebrated Fondler's Day.

A new survey says that 24% of Americans don't have a single dollar set aside for emergencies. Oh, sure, don't ask us 75-cent people if we're prepared!

President Trump is being investigated for obstruction of justice, which could wind up costing him the presidency. Which, of course, is horrible, absolutely devastating news to the cast of Saturday Night Live.

Kim Kardashian says she hasn't spoken to Caitlyn Jenner in months. Not sure which one's the bigger winner here.

Amber Rose says she hasn't had sex with anyone yet in 2017. I believe that's one of the signs of the Apocalypse.

A Starbucks customer in Chicago stabbed another over an argument about a wrong order. One of the best reasons I've heard yet to switch to decaf.

Two Australian farmers have created a vodka made from carrots. In a related story, Bugs Bunny was picked up for DUI.

I would think that something that blurs your vision made from something that improves your vision should be a wash.

96-year-old Prince Phillip has been admitted to the hospital. The queen is not amused.

They're saying that Carrie Fisher's death should be a warning for those suffering with sleep apnea. You probably should also shy away from combining cocaine with methadone, ecstasy and heroin while you're at it.

O.J. Simpson will go before the parole board for a hearing July 20th. If he's freed, he'll get back to searching for the real killers on every golf course in the country.

According to a new survey, the #1 thing most Americans want to do on their vacations: nothing. You’re in luck—I’m offering vacation packages that will give you just that, starting at $1,000. Un-marked bills, please.

Alibaba founder Jack Ma says that in 30 years, most people will only work four hours a day. Apparently, I’m way ahead of my time.

I think if I was going to be reincarnated, I’d like to come back as a hummingbird so I didn’t have to remember the words.

A new study that olive oil helps you preserve memories. Now, to remember that the next time I’m at the store….

Boeing is said to be working on jets that fly themselves. Of course, the first question by the folks at United: “So who would drag the passengers off?”

From Facebook: With the increase of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time before there’s a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him.

TOP FIVE NAMES JAY-Z AND BEYONCE HAVE ALREADY RULED OUT FORE THEIR TWINS

1. Yellow Ivy and Green Ivy
2. Taylor and Swift
3. Sears and Roebuck
4. Trump and Pence
5. Alex and J-Lo

TOP FIVE CHANGES YOU'LL NOTICE IN THE UPDATED VERSION OF THE BIBLE COMING OUT

1. Pontius Pilot didn't wash his hands -- he just used hand sanitizer
2. After Lazarus rose, he was told if it lasted longer than four hours to see a doctor
3. In this version, the disciples are called "homies"
4. How Jesus turned water into a '27 Bordeaux. Not 1927. Just 27.
5. The Story of Noah's Yacht

TOP FIVE SIGNS IT'S TOO HOT IN PHOENIX

1. People's shadows were actually sweating
2. New display at the aquarium features poached fish
3. The heck with eggs -- people were frying bacon on the sidewalk
4. A cactus was holding a sign that said, "Dogs Wanted"
5. Your car is overheating and you haven't even started it

Laugh as little, would ya?