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THIS WEEK'S WACK
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Our 1,146th Edition
February 9th, 2018


Only 5 more days until you forget it's Valentine's Day!

Canada is going to tweak their national anthem to make it completely gender neutral. Good for it. (Was that OK?)

I've always wondered if the Groundhog has recurrent dreams about Bill Murray?

President Trump saw his shadow Friday and so he says there will be six more weeks of winter. But half the country doesn't believe him.

A Massachusetts man has been charged with marrying six women to help them evade immigration laws. The good news-he'll have all but one day of the week covered when it comes to visitors.

A new survey says that half of all Americans say the news is causing them stress. A great cure I've discovered for this problem: don't turn it on.

Clint Eastwood is considering a return to acting at the age of 87. I can just see him in "Dirty Harry Potter."

First, Elton John announced he was going to quit touring in three years to spend more time with his kids. Then, Lady Gaga announced she going to stop doing concerts immediately. I wonder if Elton Hired Lady Gaga to watch the kids until he was done?

Really quickly-for the record. This is NOT a Tide commercial.

Equifax tops a list of the most hated companies. I'm surprised they didn't try to keep that more private.

44-year-old pitcher Bartolo Colon is reportedly close to signing a contract with the Texas Rangers. By the way, his name, Bartolo Colon, is Spanish for "Jamie Moyer."

A new study claims that you can lose 5-pounds a year just by standing more. You can lose additional pounds if you're not standing in front of a refrigerator.

Apparently, the guy who stole Tom Brady's jersey this year has put it back.

Seen on Facebook: I got gas for only $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.

Poor Tom Brady. He lost the Super Bowl and had to go home to Gisele Bundchen... ..and... .story stops there.

Whoopi Goldberg says she can't even say Trump's name. Fortunately, someone nearby must have been telepathic.

We found Sunday night how Jack died on "This is us." To make matters worse, he was for the Patriots.

The New Hampshire person that won the $559-million Powerball Lottery Jackpot has asked to remain anonymous. But I'm fairly positive that he or she is a relative.

I guess some fans are still upset about that controversial incomplete fetch call in Sunday's Puppy Bowl.

Driving in Los Angeles, I went past Unik Children's Clothing. I was thinking, "There's a marketing person's worst nightmare." Then I passed by Castration Toys.

It's times like these I'm reminded of the old exchange: "Get my broker on the phone!" "Stock or pawn?"

Out of respect for the stock market, we're going to hold off on playing Tom Petty's "Free Falling" for the next couple of days... .

There is no longer season than the football off-season.

Steve Wynn has resigned as CEO of Wyn Resorts. You Wynn some, you lose some.

Maldives has declared a state of emergency because of political unrest. I'd probably be a lot more concerned if I had heard of it before or if I knew where it was.

A study says two drinks a day can help fight Alzheimer's Disease. Can we stop researching now while we're ahead?

L.A. Chargers player Joe Barksdale is opening up about his bouts with severe depression... which, most likely, was caused by being with the L.A. Chargers.

Televangelist Gloria Copeland told her viewers that you don't need a flu shot if you have Jesus. OK, but it could result in meeting him earlier than planned.

Vice-President Mike Pence is on an Asian tour. Not sure which winter sport he'll be competing in.

The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue hits newsstands next week. I only stare at it for the articles.
 
One Philadelphia Eagles fan at the Super Bowl was caught on video taking home his seat at U.S. Bank stadium. Yeah, I was surprised it was only one, too. Then again, for as much as those tickets were, the cost of the seat should have been thrown in.
 
Radio brother Matt Case passed this one along: When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they're not it
 
The DHS says it deported one immigrant 44 times in 15 years. Well, at least he has a career.
 
A chemical found in McDonald’s French fries promotes hair growth in mice. So don’t be surprised if you see guys applying their Rogain with ketchup.
 
A poll shows Venezuelans have lost faith in their voting system. It’s also reported that 8 out of 6 don’t trust their polling techniques.
 
Willie Nelson has canceled his February tour dates because of the flu. Yep, on the ropes again….

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR CO-WORKER HAD TOO MUCH FUN AT HIS SUPER BOWL PARTY

  1. He came in at 3pm
  2. Right hand is locked in a "holding a beer" position
  3. Looks like someone sat in some salsa. Well, we hope that's it.
  4. To say he had a glazed look on his face would be an insult to donuts
  5. That's a large clump of bean dip on your shoulder, isn't it?

TOP FIVE VALENTINE'S DAY GIFTS YOU SHOULD PROBABLY PASS ON

  1. That card that says, "I love you more than Tom Brady"
  2. A pair of food fight gloves
  3. His and her colonoscopies
  4. A certificate for a class on "How to be more political on Facebook"
  5. That romantic Oil Change Kit
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
PSPS--Stalk me on Twitter for daily Wacks!
 
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