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Our 1,169th Edition
July 20th, 2018

The Beach Boys are a little late, but they
meant to say "Would it be nice?

The University of Louisville is going to rename their stadium, which is currently called Papa John's Cardinal Stadium. They've already ruled out Roseanne Barr Cardinal Stadium.

Honda has built a lawnmower that can go 150 mph. It's apparently for those who really want to get it done before the game.

Montana State's quarterback says he's going to sit out the 2018 season to focus on academics. The first step-finding out what ‘academics' means.

A former Bill Clinton adviser is reportedly pleading with Hillary Clinton not to run for President in 2020. A lot of people apparently want her to give it another try. However, most of those are Republicans.

A new study claims that people actually get dumber during a heatwave. Whatever that means.

We're down to just one-the very last Blockbuster Video store is in Bend, Oregon. If you're ever in town, it's just down the street from the Fotomat.

At the Trump/Putin press conference, one question was on everybody's mind: What in the Helsinki is going on?

"Jeopardy!" host Alex Trebek is being sued by a woman who claims his dog made her fall down in the road. The case was thrown out because it wasn't presented in the form of a question.

Virgin and Blue Origin are planning to offer space travel flights next year for around $200,000. We're not that far away from the day your luggage could accidentally end up on Mars.

A new report says 1 in 9 U.S. adults over 45 say they have memory issues, and one other thing.

Some fans were offended when the Montgomery Biscuits minor league baseball team held a "Millennial Night." The really upset fans even yelled at the players on the field to "get off their lawn!"

A new LG smartphone will come with five cameras, which finally allows us to take a picture of ourselves taking a picture while taking a selfie. It's like a Kardashian dream come true.

The New Yorker's headline: "Kremlin names Trump Employee of the Month."

Today's life hack: when you get a call and you know it's a solicitor, answer the phone with, "Sheriff's Department, Fraud Division."

It was strange. I was sitting there, not needing anything. Then I went on Amazon on Prime Day and instantly bought 5 things I didn't know I needed.

Rolls Royce says it is planning to make flying taxis that can carry four people 500 miles in two hours. I wonder who will be the first to have one of them pull up to a jet and ask, "Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?"

There's a new high-tech mirror will point out users' facial flaws. Just in case you have too much self-esteem.

I'm expecting Bill Clinton's next book to be titled, "The President is Missing....Something...Obviously!"

The World Health Organization is recognizing compulsive sexual behavior as a mental disorder. They've given it the nickname, "Weinsteiners."

A report says 3D printing can reduce the cost of Air Force toilet seats from $10,000 down to $300. Then again, a trip to Home Depot could drop it down to $20.

Russia's leader Vladimir Putin denies having any dirt on President Trump. Video and audio recordings, incriminating pictures and dozens of witnesses, yes, but no dirt.

President Trump returned home yesterday to the U.S... .or, as he likes to call it, "West Russia."

Researchers have found a 14,000-year-old piece of flatbread in Jordan. How do they know it was 14,000-years-old? It had a pull date of 12,000 B.C.

I'm opening all the windows and doors in the early hours in an attempt to help cool down the house. With all that fresh air, my lungs don't know what to do. But my nose knows what to do with the pollen.

Last Saturday, a man was struck by lightning and killed while mowing his lawn in Tennessee. And because I love you so much and never want to be taken away from you, THAT'S why I'm not going to mow the lawn.

A Portland, Oregon, art gallery has come under fire for it's "F-You Mr. President" exhibit, which includes art showing President Trump being beheaded. Then again, it's good to see Kathy Griffin get work.

A new study claims that 40% of our early memories are made up. They told me about that on the Martian mothership years ago.

Amazon says it had its biggest Prime Day ever, selling over 100-million items. Jeff Bezos now has so much money, he's made an offer to buy Donald Trump. However, Vladimir Putin says he's not for sale.

I didn't spend as much on Prime Day this year as last. That's only because everything I wanted this year I had already bought last year.

There's a place in New York, that's actually offering full body massages using boa constrictors. If you can get past that idea, the only other drawback is that you have to tip with rats.

A new poll says that 75% of Americans believe that Russia interfered with our last election. No, wait. Now it's 70%. Now its up to 77%! Alright, you guys, knock it off!

So, the actual quote everyone is talking about: "I made a mistake. I said would instead of wouldn't." But enough about Stormy Daniels... .

Beware the person who says they're on your side. So is appendicitis.


  1. They say they can't wait to pick out this year's Christmas tree
  2. "Oh, did we tell you yet that we were evicted out of our home?"
  3. Keep referring to when they'll leave in months
  4. They keep referring to the hide-a-bed in the den as "their room"
  5. They're having their mail delivered to your house
  1. Hire an ice sculptor artist to make a life-size Pamela Anderson
  2. Set up a wading pool in your living room
  3. Keep your contact lenses in the refrigerator
  4. On the drive to work, sit on a block of ice
  5. Put a sprinkler in your pants
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
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