Starbucks has announced that they're going to open their first sign language store in Washington, D.C.. They hope to begin signing people's names wrong by October.
As you know, there's a high-level fire danger right now. Firefighters are said to be keeping a very close eye on the President's pants.
In honor of World Emoji Day, Apple unveiled some new emoji's: the cupcake, kangaroo, and lettuce symbols. Because we use those words so much in conversations. I was just saying "Kangaroo" to my wife the other day... .
The makers of Crocs have announced they're coming out with a high-heeled shoe... .because we apparently don't ask the question, ‘Why?" enough.
KFC has been criticizing Papa John's for dragging them into their drama. A McDonald's spokesman was quoted as saying, "Ba-da-bup-bop-ba, I'm lovin' it."
Andrew Lincoln confirmed over the weekend that he'll be parting from "The Walking Dead" this season. Most likely, in parts....
Happy Shark Week! I've got a friend that's really into it. Every year, I always send him a partially eaten card.
A San Antonio couple delivered their baby in the restroom at a Chick-fil-A restaurant. Apparently, the closest McDonald's and Burger King were too busy.
Roseanne is set to get a new talk show on Youtube. Instead of actually having a band, the show will feature a cat playing a piano.
A New York City man set a world's record by slicing 27 watermelons in half on his belly in one minute. Four words come to mind: "Buy a cutting board."
A Vermont woman suffered severe burns and blisters from a wild parsnip plant. A reminder to us all-eating vegetables can be dangerous.
Twelve audio recordings seized from U.S. President Donald Trump's onetime personal attorney, Michael Cohen, were turned over to federal prosecutors last week. So, in case you were wondering, yes, there are enough for an album.
Stormy Daniels and her husband are getting divorced. I wonder what happened?
Who could have seen that coming? On second thought, it may be quicker to just have those who didn't see it coming form a line over there.
The black arm band? Oh, I always wear one during the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale. It's to mourn the loss of our high credit score.
Last week, President Trump he meant to say "wouldn't" instead of "would." Seth Myers said that Melania also meant to say at their wedding, "I don't."
An Ohio man was running late and that meant he was probably going to miss his flight. So, he did what any other normal person would do-he called in a bomb threat. Oh, wait, did I say ‘would'?
John Lennon's widow, Yoko Ono, is planning to record a new album for peace. I've heard her sing before, so hopefully it will be for peace and quiet.
An energy expert says oil could eventually go up to $400 a barrel. The only thing that could make matters worse-a spike in the price of barrels.
A woman passenger peed on the floor after being denied using the restroom on a Wizz Air flight. Thank God she wasn't flying on Number Two Airlines.
A new survey says that Americans feel that 61 would be the idea age to retire. However, I should point out, most of those people in the survey were 60.
Stormy Daniels' husband says he wants a divorce because she cheated on him. If you're married to a porn star, how do you know she's cheating on you? The cameras aren't rolling?
A study says there may be Fukushima radiation in California wines. "This Cabernet has aromas of blackberry and chocolate, with a slight hint of uranium."
The good news is, it glows so much you can now drink wine in the dark. Think of all the electricity you'll save while you're around.
A winning ticket for the $522-million Mega Millions jackpot was sold in California. That ought to about cover this month's electricity bill.
Scientists say they've discovered a 12-mile lake on Mars. Yes, water, which means there could be life. And, even more important, coffee.
Rough day for Facebook on the stock market yesterday. Mark Zuckerberg unfriended Dow Jones.
Facebook used the occasion to debut the brand new WTF emoji.
The FBI is warning of a blackmail scam claiming to have evidence of adultery. According to an official statement from the White House: “We know. We know.”
An audit says a California DMV worker slept at her desk three hours a day for three years. While she’ll never win a productivity award, I think we have a serious contender for Boss of the Year!
Amazon reported second quarter income of $2.5-billion. You’ll be getting a thank you note from the Cardboard Box Makers of America.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR DOCTOR IS ABOUT TO GIVE YOU BAD NEWS
- "If you don't mind, I'd like to be paid up front"
- He asks if it would be inappropriate to say, "Dibs on your wife"
- "I'll tell you, but on the phone, when you get to your car."
- He highly suggests not starting any magazine subscriptions
- The nurse outside just yelled out, "But he's so young!"
TOP FIVE LEAST SIGNS YOU WERE UNKNOWINGLY HYPNOTIZED
- You mowed the lawns, painted the house and cleaned out the garage and don't remember a thing
- Suddenly, you love kale
- You just realized your clothes are now on backwards
- You co-workers keep saying, "You're a really good barker"
- For starters, you're covered in yak hair
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE AT A LOUSY MEDIEVAL FAIRE
- The king is pretty creepy looking and keeps pushing the burgers
- I'm pretty sure Lancelot's father was not Darth Vader
- Round table actually a card table
- Jousting tournaments use Nerf lances
- Well, there's Lady Bob for starters
