A report says the average American dies with $61,000 in debt. I guess this means I could go at any moment. Should have been gone years ago.
Amazon stock has hit $2,000 a share. If you see a smug person gloating, it's probably a shareholder.
A study says people with sleep apnea have a higher chance of getting gout. Or, as it's known in the medical community, a "two-fer."
The U.S. has extended its ban on Americans traveling to North Korea. Sorry if that ruined next year's vacation plans.
There's a study being done to test if feeding seaweed to cattle reduces their methane emissions. Of course, the first thing I think of is milk that smells like low tide.
United Airlines is raising their baggage fee to $30. Don't complain. Remember, this is the airline that changed their slogan to, "Don't piss us off."
A pair of ruby slippers that Judy Garland wore in "The Wizard of Oz" have been recovered, after being stolen 13 years ago. No arrests were made, although the slippers were found next to an empty water bucket and a witch costume.
Britney Spears was booed during a concert in Blackpool, England when she accidentally called it Birmingham. When life imitates a Southwest Airlines commercial.
A study says an unhealthy lifestyle is putting 4 out of 5 adults at risk for early death. Weird that everybody I hang out has to be in the 4 group.
A Japanese couple who have been married 80 years say their secret is the wife's patience. In other words, how low can your expectation go?
A kindergarten principal in China was fired after children were welcomed to class with a display of pole dancing. May I be the first to whip out that old saying, "You know, we never had things like that when we were in school."
In the principal's defense, she was explaining to the kids what dollar bills could be used for.
Bob Woodward’s new book paints the White House as “chaotic and paranoid.” I have to ask the obvious question: Where’s the news here?
A Scottish woman says her doctor removed a tear duct instead of a tumor, thus making her the perfect person to spill milk.
Someone photographed four UFO’s over President Trump’s golf course in Scotland. I’m tempted to yell out, “Wait! Don’t leave! He’s over here!”
I’m imagining aliens reaching out to the president and Trump informing them that they’re going to have to pay for a space wall.
It would be funny if the aliens started out by saying, “Take us to anyone except your leader.”
Nearly half of all millennials have deleted the Facebook app. I take that as saying, “Go ahead and post anything you want about them!”
I’ll be honest, I just burned my athletic shoes. Oh, they weren’t Nikes. It was just my way out of getting out of going to the gym.
TOP FIVE SIGNS FALL IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER
- Your neighbor's leaves have started falling into your yard
- America's Got Talent is down to the quarter-semi-almost finals
- Costco has their Halloween stuff out (of course, that was true in July)
- Your favorite baseball team has been officially eliminated from the playoffs
- Pumpkin friggin-spice EVERYTHING!
TOP FIVE SIGNS IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG SEASON FOR YOUR FAVORITE COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM
- Coach spends most of every game playing Fortnite
- Two season tickets sold. Two.
- All the cheerleaders have filed for unemployment
- No one can take The Fighting Ballerinas as a team mascot seriously
- They just topped the first-ever Worst Team in America poll
TOP FIVE EARLY INDICATIONS IT'S GOING TO BE A ROUGH DAY
- Your horoscope simply says, "Get away from me!"
- The Health Department has slapped a Quarantined sign on your front door
- You stepped in something when you got out of bed and you're afraid to look
- You found a badger in your shower
- The boss called your home to yell at you before leaving for work
Laugh a little, would ya?
