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Our 1,200th Edition
March 8th, 2019

Remember, this is the weekend we have to hear
all the complaining about the time change.

One of the sons of the late al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden is emerging as the new leader of the militant group. What's that they say? The grenade doesn't fall far from the terrorist?

A study says depression and self-harm are on the rise with Millennials. OK, OK, we'll talk with the cast of "The Big Bang Theory" about one more season.

A study says watching TV more than three hours a day can double the memory decline in older people. Of course, the most important question: what were we just talking about?

A 2-year-old New York girl's paintings are selling for up to $23,000. Of course, this being America, her parents are now charging her $500 per diaper change.

Martha Stewart has agreed to become a cannabis adviser to a Canadian firm. It's a far-out thing.

BMW and Mercedes Benz are teaming up to develop a self-driving car that you'll never, ever be able to afford.

Former Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper has tossed his hat into the 2020 presidential race. I suppose if they can get past a Governor Hickenlooper, we can consider a President Hickenlooper.

A new study says that spending 20-minutes at a park will boost your happiness. Then again, what's true for you is also true for muggers.

The Hollywood Walk of Fame has been named as the world's worst attraction. This from the B-List Actors of America.

AccuWeather is predicting 1,075 tornadoes in 2019, with most of them hitting Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas and Nebraska. And now, back to the countdown... .

7-Eleven is set to open its first store in India. There is absolutely no way H.R. will allow me to continue.

A study says sleeping in on weekends causes a risk of weight gain. I don't know about you, but the first thing to pop into my mind was, "Oh, just kill me now."

A report says Russia wants to separate its Internet from the World Wide Web. Funny, we've been thinking the same thing about them.

Johnny Depp is suing ex-wife Amber Heard for $50-million for defamation. For it to be defamation, doesn't it have to be false? I'm pretty sure anything said about Depp is true.

Cash will no longer be accepted for payment at the Mercedes Benz Stadium in Atlanta. Perfect, since I never have any.

A report says 1 in 3 seniors are lonely. To make matters worse, those other two are talking about them.

A report says Starbucks employees gave mostly to Democratic political candidates over the past 15 years. Unfortunately, in their donation, they had the name spelled wrong.

Papa John's International has reached a settlement agreement with its founder John Schnatter. All we are asking, is give pizza a chance.

Jerry Merryman, one of the inventors of the hand-held electronic calculator, has died at the age of 86. Which is 1,032 months. Or 31,132 days. Just sayin'... .

The sole winner of that $1.5-billion lottery jackpot last fall has finally come forward in South Carolina. I don't have a name for you, but I'm certain he or she is a relative.

Hillary Clinton has ruled out a presidential run in 2020, but saying "I'm not going anywhere." President Trump responded with, "Hey, that's my line!"

There is supposedly A.I. software that can actually spot shoplifters before they even steal. Didn't I see this movie? With Tom Cruise?

From Facebook: I finally figured out why I look so terrible in photos. It's my face!

A Kentucky man is being accused of stealing $75,000 of beef from his employer. It's one thing to have a beef with your company but to take it?

Patriots owner Robert Kraft has been ranked the 244th richest person in the world. He'd be even richer if he didn't spend so much on massages.

From my buddy, Skip Tucker: Do you generate electricity with water through the process of hydropower, because DAM!

That Oregon man who got stuck in snow and was stranded for five days with only taco sauce to live on—he’s been given a year of free food from Taco Bell. That should teach him never to get stuck in snow again.
Today is National Tell Your Boss What You Really Think of Them Day. You first.
Insiders say that Cillian Murphy will replace Daniel Craig as the next James Bond. I guess I was passed over again.
A statue of Michael Jackson has been removed from Britain's National Football Museum. Ironic that it was in a museum dedicated to a sport where you’re not allowed to use your hands.
President Trump accidentally referred to the CEO of Apple as Tim Apple. Everyone knows it’s really Steve Apple, right?

  1. GPS refuses to go inside your home
  2. To be honest, you haven't opened a piece of mail since 1998
  3. The government asks you to hide people in witness protection in your kitchen
  4. Clutter pile number one is starting to blend with piles two and three
  5. You can't find your children
  1. March spelled backwards is "H-Cram"
  2. People named Julius get really nervous on the Ides of March
  3. It's the month we complain about changing the clocks again (OK, you knew that one)
  4. By the way, St. Patrick actually included several rubber snakes when he drove them out of Ireland, just so it would seem like more.
  5. Whatever day of the week St. Patrick's Day falls on-that's the same day of the week we'll celebrate Cinco de Mayo.
Laugh a little, would ya?
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