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Our 1,209th Edition
May 10, 2019

May the 10th be with you. Doesn't have the same ring to it.

Scientists in Australia say that, as the world's population continues to boom, eventually, humans will eat maggot sausages. Speaking on behalf of most humans, no they won't.

Burger King is going to roll out their Impossible Burger-a meatless hamburger-nation-wide. It's so-named by the possibility of me trying one.

California's population growth rate is the slowest in state history, with 186,000 people moving in last year. We were going to ask them how they like living there, but they were all currently stuck on a freeway.

Donald Trump praised William Barr's testimony at a Senate hearing as a "fantastic job." I think both sides would agree, it was a job, alright.

The makers or Oreos is looking at adding CBP to cookies and snacks. What could possibly go right?

Paula Abdul injured Julianne Hough, hitting her with a hat toss at the Billboard Music Awards. "Why ya limpin'?" "Oh, it's an old hat injury... "

Arizona's governor is considering legalizing nunchucks. Of course, my question: "How many nuns would a nunchuck nun if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?"

A poet has bought 7,000 tickets to the season opener of the WNBA team in Phoenix. This will also give him a chance to debut his latest work, “There once was a player from Nantucket.”
A South Carolina woman buying a box of Legos found $40,000 worth of meth inside. I’d just like to be the first to say, “We never had stuff like that when I was a kid.”
On the plus side, she was able to put together the entire Lego toy in 3-seconds.

It's Teachers Appreciation Week and Nurses Appreciation Week. I'm sure both would have appreciated having their own week.

Pamela Anderson says that Julian Assange is the "world's most innocent man" and, you know, when I think of innocent, who else but Pamela Anderson comes to mind.

I wonder if I said something about Pamela Anderson's body if she would hold it against me?

From my buddy Skip Tucker: "OK, that's it! I'm renaming my TV remote, ‘Waldo!'"

Dairy Queen is now offering Blizzard flights for those who can't make up their minds on which flavor they want. I knew that one day, being indecisive would pay off... or will it?

Amy Schumer is asking fans to boycott Wendy’s spicy chicken nuggets. I’m thinking it’s because she wants them all for herself.
They’re saying that Howard Schultz has put his plans to run for president on pause. In other words, he’s on a coffee break.
A report says 7,000 robots will be working in construction by 2025, most with their shirts off.
Eight burn victims are suing over exploding cans of Pam cooking spray. The makers of Pam say they don’t expect the charges to stick.
Microsoft is set to release a new version of Word that uses artificial intelligence to make your writing ‘politically correct’. In other words, it’ll make your PC even more PC.

A study says people who smoke weed before going to the gym work out longer. Well, yeah-they forget how long they've been there and keep thinking they just started!

Katie Holmes returned to her hometown and gave the commencement speech at the University of Toledo. Her best life advice: marry Tom Cruise.

In Central Valley, California, someone has been stealing beehives. As in thousands of dollars' worth. Needless to say, police are setting up a sting operation.

In one of the scenes on this week's "Game of Thrones", there was a shot that included a Starbucks cup on the table. Of course, because the barista spelled the king's name wrong, he was beheaded.

With the college bribery scandal, USC is becoming known as the "University of Spoiled Children."

Louisiana has been ranked the most bullied state. The toughest part was finding a school locker big enough to stuff it in.

From my buddy, Skip Tucker: People who can't distinguish between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I cannot put into words

A couple from Facebook:

Wife: Look at that drunk guy.
Husband: Who's he?
Wife: Oh, 10 years ago he proposed to me but I turned him down. Husband: So, he's still celebrating.

I've decided I'll never get down to my original weight and I'm OK with that. After all, 6-pounds, 3-ounces is just not realistic.


  1. That new ride-on lawn mower you wanted
  2. Your treasured toe-nail clipping collection
  3. 10-weeks of Roller Derby lessons
  4. Pimple-Popping Bingo Kit
  5. A Martha Stewart Oil Change Kit


  1. "Be nice to your brother. You may need one of his kidneys someday"
  2. "If you don't have anything nice to say, neither do I"
  3. "Why do you change your underwear so often?"
  4. "I hate the Hallmark Channel"
  5. "You call too much."
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
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