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THIS WEEK'S WACK
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Our 1,211th Edition
May 31st, 2019

Exactly 7 months away from New Year's Eve!

In France, a 102-year-old woman living in a retirement home is accused of murdering her 92-year-old neighbor. The big question-where were the parents?

The U.S. is seeing its biggest slump in tourism in four years. Well, if you don't include the ones that don't leave.

A study says smarter people listen mostly to instrumental music. Well, yeah. They don't have to waste any space in their brain remembering lyrics.

A study says the interior of an Uber vehicle is 35,000 times dirtier than a toilet seat. What are you people doing there in the back seat?

It has been 10,000 days since the Detroit Lions' last playoff win... .not that they're counting.

Somehow, I just know it's all going to work out. Like an uncooked lobster on the Titanic... just gotta believe.

Washington has become the first state to legalize human composting. Yes, now it's legal to soil yourself.

I wondered when the sun was going to finally come up and then it dawned on me.

There's a guy down in California, who calls himself Mason and claims he is a time traveler from the year 2063... and, get this: he says that time travel is going to become commonplace in just a couple of years... .which is really great news for you Seattle Mariners season ticket holders.

President Trump concluded his four-day visit to Japan, but insists there was no conclusion.

I put 10,000 steps on my Fitbit yesterday. Why didn't I think of putting it on the dog sooner?

I don't mind that the World Health Organization has officially recognized ‘burnout' as a medical condition, but did they have to use my picture?

Two people were injured when a garbage truck crashed into Gloria Estefan's recording studio in Florida. And she was worried the rhythm was going to get her.

Officials are warning about a high fire danger this summer. They recommend trimming back high-growing grass, removing any loose debris near building, and seriously cutting back Sam Elliott's mustache.

By the way, today's Optimism Parade downtown has been canceled because they think it might not be a very good day.

From Facebook: Remember, they say an active sex life helps keep your memory alive. To me, it's made for a great 2016."

This week, a 97-year-old Rhode Island woman went to her first high school senior prom. She and her date spent their time prior to the dance getting out of the car.
 
Taylor Swift says she will get “political” in her upcoming music. Oh, good. The barrage on Facebook has been letting up lately.
 
From my buddy, Skip Tucker: I have a “dry clean only” sweater that is about to learn some harsh truths about living with me.
 
I was all for building a wall, but my neighbors insisted on a fence.
 

TOP FIVE THINGS I LIKE MOST ABOUT A 4-DAY WORK WEEK

  1. They're 100% Monday-free
  2. Since no one was in, I say I came in and worked Monday and I'm taking Friday off
  3. Instead of complaining about Monday, I complain about Tuesday
  4. It's a chance to prove we could do this every week, if we really wanted to
  5. By the time I can remember what day it really is, it's Wednesday

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU MAY BE TOO FRUGAL

  1. You meet the pizza delivery guy half-way so you only have to give him half the tip
  2. There are those daily family outings to the Y to take showers
  3. Your kids' allowances are in kilowatts of electricity
  4. You've asked your neighbors to turn their TV so you can watch it
  5. Toilet paper in your bathroom is sold by the sheet

TOP FIVE DRAWBACKS OF HAVING GROOT AS YOUR ROOMMATE

  1. Have to continually treat the house for termites
  2. Those splinters you get when you bump into him
  3. Dear God, how many times do I have to hear, "I am Groot!"?
  4. Shower drain constantly clogged with twigs
  5. Fall is such a messy time of year
  Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
PSPS--Stalk me on Twitter for daily Wacks!

 
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