Our 1,239th Edition
December 13th, 2019
Friday the 13th! A good day to avoid people named Jason
THIS YEAR'S HO HO BROTHER 19--Enjoy my annual holiday collection of music and fun by clicking
right here.
John Kerry has endorsed Joe Biden for President. He made the announcement at their weekly "Over 75 Club" meeting.
Nancy Pelosi told a reporter the other day that she doesn't hate Donald Trump. I know what she means. I'm planning to impeach several of my friends right after the holidays.
Kate Middleton says that little Prince Louis has started talking and asking lots of questions. Why, just the other day he asked, "Mommy, what's a job?"
Oh, sure, there are people out there making millions of dollars as "influencers" and I'm here, sick at home, being an "influenza."
According to a new survey, we wake up in a grumpy mood over 300 days a year. When asked for a reaction, Grumpy said, "For me, that's a good year."
From Facebook: When a woman says ‘5-minutes', think 3 minutes left in the 4th quarter and both teams have all their timeouts.
A new report identifies the top 20 drunkest cities in the U.S. and Wisconsin has 12 of them. Yeah, its been a tough year for Packers fans.
From my buddy, Skip Tucker: I've started a new business, delivering hot drinks straight to the customer, however I've been advised to change the name of the company. Apparently, people will be put off by the links to crappy service and reliability problems. It's a shame, really. I thought Tea Mobile had a nice ring to it.
The economy added 266,000 jobs in November, which means all those people will be working and unable to watch the impeachment hearings. The president's plan is working perfectly.
From Facebook: I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
A North Dakota county could be the first in the U.S. to ban new refugees. They also plan to put a sign that says, "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses. Just don't put ‘em here."
The Browns' Odell Beckham, Jr. is telling opposing teams he wants out... which I'm pretty sure is the team motto.
Disney is warning "Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker" could cause seizures. And that's from just the ticket prices.
According to new stats, the average American will spend $700 on the holiday season. If any of my family is listening right now, that's just way too much. $600 would do.
Megan Fox says she sends her kids to an organic, sustainable, vegan school. Sounds fun. Yes, that was sarcasm.
Bette Midler is calling for Justin Timberlake to apologize for that infamous Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction from 2004. Not sure when she became the apology police and how her paperwork got so backed up.
Disneyland's Haunted Mansion will be closed for a months-long restoration. If they do a really good job, it could come back to haunt them.
A man in Uganda has a very special gift-his farts, for someone reason, are fatal to mosquitoes up to six meters away. A company has hired him, hoping to turn his gas in a mosquito repellent. This could change the world as we know it:
- The phrase, "Who cut the cheese?" could be replaced with "Hey, who killed the mosquitoes?"
- Apparently, it's true. For some people, killing mosquitoes is like pulling fingers.
- I've actually got a can of that new mosquito repellant. (SFX of a fart) Gee, you'd think they could have had it make a different noise.
From Facebook: The human body is made up of 80% water. So basically, we're just cucumbers with anxiety.
A Russian company is making a $129,000 gold iPhone featuring a Nativity scene. My guess is that no Wise Man would buy one.
50-Cent has jumped into the feud between Eminem and Nick Cannon. I guess he just had to put in his... .uh, opinion.
I wonder if you could ever go to 50-Cent's house and get a 50-Cent tour?
Then again, I wonder if he has a Doppelganger somewhere in the world named "4 Bits?"
SANTA'S FIVE REINDEER YOU NEVER HEAR ABOUT
- Gandolph the Green Antler'd Freak of Nature
- Incontinent
- Venison
- Slower than Molasses
- Gassy
TOP FIVE LEAST POPULAR CHRISTMAS SONGS
- "Jingle Bills"
- "O Little Town of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania"
- "O Christmas Headache"
- "Frosty the Puddle"
- "Please leave home for Christmas"
TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT YOU'RE LOOKING AT A SANTA CLAUS THAT'S A FAKE
- Says he needs to leave and get home to the South Pole
- Allergic to cookies and milk
- Says he can't do chimneys-too claustrophobic
- Talks about his head reindeer, Bob
- He keeps saying, "He, He, He"
TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT SOMEONE SPIKED THE EGGNOG
- It actually tastes good.
- Gnats that fly over it immediately burst into flames
- You could probably use it to remove paint
- No allowed to strike a match within 10-feet
- Father Murphy recreating that scene from "Risky Business"
Laugh a little, would ya?
