Cam Newton has broken up with his longtime girlfriend after having a baby with another woman. Yeah, I'm no relationship expert, but having a kid with another woman can usually cause problems.
Louis Vuitton has just bought the world's second-largest diamond. I wonder where he got all his money?
- That's it! I'm giving up drinking for a month. Oh, wait, bad punctuation. That should have been, "That's it. I'm giving up. Drinking for a month."
- Life's biggest tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.
- They told me, "Follow your dreams." So I went back to bed.
Impeachment rules say Senators have to stay off their phones and be quiet. Any way we can expand that to include the White House?
Arnold Palmer will be honored with a postage stamp this year. When you lick the back, it'll taste like tea and lemonade.
A study says cows talk to each other about how they feel. Some are content. Others are bossy. Almost all agree we should eat more chicken.
From British comedian Stephen Merchant: One thing about Harry and Meghan leaving the Royal Family-this paves the way for Meghan to play herself in season 8 of The Crown.
I'm reminded of the age-old question-How did they measure the size of hail before golf was invented?
Best Buy is investigating CEO Corrie Barry over personal conduct involving a relationship. Apparently, he had invited her to be a part of a new department at the company-the Freak Squad.
Hank Azaria will no longer voice Indian character Apu on "The Simpsons" because of racial stereotypes. "Thank you very much, won't come again."
The world's smallest man has died at age 27. He was only 2'2" tall. Not only a short life, but never, ever played a game of basketball.
He was the one that said, "It's better to have loved a short girl and lost than never to have loved a tall!"
Former congressman Chris Collins was sentenced to 26 months in prison for insider trading. Yes, he'll lose his freedom, but he'll now get a whole new meaning for the phrase, "insider trading."
Carlos Beltran was fired as Mets manager in the wake of the Astros cheating scandal. On the positive side, since he was hired last November, he'll remain as the only Mets manager to never have lost a single game.
From my sister, Debbie: Some people are like Slinkies...they're really good for nothing...BUT they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
A new study says that the average American is sleeping less than six hours a night! Finally, I'm average!
While Finland has been designated the happiest country in the world, it also has a high suicide rate. I'm thinking this but not saying it out loud: well, that does thin out the unhappy people.
Harry and Meghan are giving up their Royal titles as part of their split from the family. Yes, from now on, Harry is no longer HRG-his Royal Ginger.
Meghan Markle's estranged dad says his daughter "destroyed" the Royal Family. Being ‘estranged', he apparently has some experience in destroying families, which I guess qualifies him as an expert.
Officials in China are racing to contain the spread of a new virus. The fact that it can survive the air in China means it's a pretty tough bug.
It's known as the coronavirus. Also available in corona light.
Wine consumption in the U.S. has dropped for the first time in 25 years. C'mon, you slackers, my liver is getting tired of carrying you people.
To be honest, I'm a bit surprised the headline wasn't, "Parkinson's contracts Ozzy Osbourne."
A new study says that wealthy people live nine years longer than the poor. So, if nothing else, want to win the lottery for your health.
A new CNN poll has Bernie Sanders at the top. Pretty good for a guy nobody likes.
The owner of the Houston Astros says his players will apologize for that cheating scandal. They'll buzz once for ‘sorry' and twice for ‘really sorry'.
A new study claims that people have less sex after the Pope visits their town. Holy headaches!
Prince Harry says that his son Archie, while staying in British Columbia, saw snow for the very first time. As ex-royals, they're all going to be seeing a lot of things for the first time.
Pot sales on the Oregon-Idaho border are 420% above average. Ha. He said 420.
A study says magic mushrooms and LSD give a sustained boost to a person's mood after recreational use. The head researcher announced the results standing naked on top of a bridge.
Homeaway is advertising that you can stay in Marilyn Monroe and JFK's hideaway. I don't know. That ended poorly for both. I might opt for the Amelia Earhart suite instead.
An arrest warrant has been issued for Antonio Brown, so he could soon sign with a new team. A prison team.
Swiss police say Russian spies posing as plumbers tried to bug the World Economic Forum in Davos. Fortunately, someone had locked the water gate.
GM is set to unveil a fully driverless car. As soon as they track it down. It was last seen heading west on I-92.
MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred says there are no plans to strip the Astros or Red Sox of their World Series titles, unless you're in Los Angeles. Then there are definite plans.
TOP FIVE THINGS YOU CAN DO NOW TO GET A JUMP ON VALENTINE'S DAY
- Get that Happy VD tattoo you've been threatening to get for years
- Find last year's Valentine's Day card. She'll never remember it.
- Get fitted with that Cupid outfit you plan to surprise her with
- Buy fresh flowers now before the price goes up
- Make those reservations at Chuck E. Cheese
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY READY FOR RETIREMENT
- Resignation letter all written. Just waiting for lottery to do their part.
- There's that "I'm ready for retirement" t-shirt you wear to work
- Even though it's 42 years away, you're still crossing days off one at a time
- You subscribe to "Why are you still working?" Magazine
- You're at the point where you consider each workday ‘optional'
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING REALLY SICK OF WINTER
Laugh a little, would ya?
- FTD has named their "I'm sick of winter" bouquets after you
- Well, there's that "I hate Al Roker" bumpersticker on your car
- When TV weather person comes on, you BOO!!!
- You twisted your ankle, but refuse to put ice on it
- That new tattoo, that says "Death to February"