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Our 1,246th Edition
February 14th, 2020
Isn't it unfortunate that Valentine's Day's initials are V.D.?

Kim Kardashian says she believes her son is actually her father, reincarnated. Read all about it in the latest edition of "Daddy Issues."

Bernie Madoff says he is dying from kidney disease and wants early release from prison. With as many people as he screwed over, I think he stands a better chance of living longer in prison.

Some Kansas Ciy Chiefs fans were upset that some of the players showed for the big Super Bowl victory parade drunk. In the players defense, the parade was after 9am.

A report says robot bartenders could end humans pouring drinks in the near future. I can see "Cheers" becoming the place where everyone is programmed to remember your name through facial recognition.

A new high of 90% of Americans say they are satisfied with their personal life. However, you really don't want to know what they thought of your life.

Really, the big moment at my Oscar party last night was realizing I had "inseminate a cow" on my Oscar Bingo card.

Even O.J. Simpson weighed in on the whole Gayle King/Kobe Bryan controversy, saying "it was not the right time." Which naturally leads to the question, "Who asked you?"

Joe Biden called a female voter asking a question a "lying dog-faced pony soldier." Not sure what he has against ponies.

Elon Musk is saying you should give up Facebook. Meanwhile, Mark Zuckerberg says you shouldn't own a Tesla.

From my friend, Susan: I don't usually roll a joint, but when I do, it's an ankle.

It's just my guess, but I figure that Steve Martin and Chris Rock will never see a 2-day Amazon delivery ever again in their lives.

A solar orbiter has blasted off to capture the first look at the Sun's poles. I believe the plan is for it to take pictures at night when it's cooler.

The President of PETA is calling "pet" a disrespectful term, preferring that people say "animal companion." So, if your cat seems annoyed whenever you refer to it as your pet, it could be that they're offended... .or, just being a cat.

CIA souvenir store worker in Virginia is being accused of stealing $60,000. You'd think if you were planning to steal from an employer, you'd choose something other than a company with a reputation of finding out everything.

Projections show that by 2030, half the U.S. will be obese. And by 2040, half of the U.S. Population will be 2/3rd's of the U.S..

I hope you've already gotten your Valentine's Day card. By now, the pickin's are getting pretty slim. For example, one I got yesterday just said, "You make my broom stand up." I don't think it was dirty.

Finally saw, "Ford Versus Ferrari." To me, the movie says, if you run a company and you're a jerk, one day they're going to make a movie about you.

A new study says playing golf may help older Americans live longer. The bad news-they'll be shaving years off your life, because they'll be that foursome playing in front of you.

A survey says 1 in 3 Americans fear they will max out their credit cards. I'm not afraid that will happen. Already has!

China is denying charges they hacked Equifax and says you're spending way too much on Amazon.

Major League Baseball is considering expanding the playoffs to 14 teams. Yeah, February to November really does seem too short of a season.

This one keeps showing up on Facebook: Before you start popping bubble wrap, remember the air in it is from China.

Jeff Bezos just bought a mansion in Hollywood, built by Jack Warner, last owned by David Geffen, for $165-million. Or, in other words, what he made the last hour.

A study says people shouldn't trust memories from when they are on weed. Wish I could remember where I saw that.

Former Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack won $150,000 in the state lottery. Maybe he'll donate his winnings to buy a new vote-counting app.

Tampa Bay Viper Ricky Walker was the first XFL player to be ejected from a game. What's even better is I had him on my Fantasy Ejection Team.

Donald Trump says he "didn't speak to" the Department of Justice about a lighter sentence for Roger Stone. Well then, what a lucky guess on their part!

Missouri is the top state for pothole complaints. They were going to have a parade to celebrate being #1, but no one would dare go on the roads.


  1. Put a bright red romantic bow on that dishwasher you're giving her
  2. Give her that same Valentine's Day card for the 3rd year in a row
  3. Give her 37% of a box of chocolates
  4. Shave "I love you" into your leg hair
  5. Show up to dinner in that diaper again


  1. "Don't mean to brag, don't mean to preach, but I'll love you longer, than Joaquin Phoenix's speech."
  2. "I'll love you forever, I don't mean to gloat, as long as you promise, not to touch the remote."
  3. "Roses are red, violets are blue, OK to split, the bill in two?"
  4. "You're my love and my world, from dawn to dawn, there's nobody else... oh, look the game is on!"
  5. "Roses are red, violets are blue, Let's watch cartoons, like Scooby Doo!"


  1. Fake cupid. Real arrows.
  2. Brake lines cut, but leaking fluid does spell out ‘I luv you'
  3. That's a beautiful cake but when did we add arsenic to the spice rack?
  4. Your Valentine's Day card attached to your door with a dagger
  5. Says, if you want your Valentine's Day surprise, go out and start up your car
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
PSPS--Stalk me on Twitter for daily Wacks!
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