The hot new acronym: BYOTP.
A study says 90% of new moms can find their child by the smell. Especially when it's dad's turn to change them.
A study says practicing gratitude, reflecting on the good things in life has little if any effect on anxiety and depression. I'm thankful I don't have to do that.
Tiger Woods was elected into the World Golf Hall of Fame. His ex-wife and a 7-iron got an honorary mention.
By the way, this hour's rundown of the coronavirus cancellations is being canceled, due to the coronavirus.
Yesterday was National Panda Day, a nice thing to do for an endangered species. We could be getting our own day any year now...
Back in my day, if you TP'd a house, you were getting back at someone. Today, you're doing them a favor.
It's now official. Due to the coronavirus, the beginning of spring is being delayed until September.
I mean, you look at the timing of this coronavirus outbreak. I think it's pretty obvious to me-God likes football.
Our job is to help you avoid the harsh realities of the world and provide a little escape from it all. We're like Calgon for the ears.
So, you're telling me that Tom Brady is now an ex-Patriot.
Ross and Rachel confirm that Tom Brady and the Patriots have broken up. They are not on a break.
"Family Feud" has shut down production because of coronavirus. However, there still is no cure for Steve Harvey.
The NFL has approved a 17-game season. If the season delays go on long enough, so might Major League Baseball.
So, the governor closed all the bars. Someone's having a hard time giving up alcohol for Lent.
Thinking about it, the safest time in our recent history was when we moved the clocks ahead an hour. For 60 minutes, nothing happened.
So, Tom Brady has left New England and apparently is going to Tampa Bay. Most are not surprised he's going for the Bucs.
Dr. Oz says that couples should have sex while quarantined. I can hear husbands everywhere saying, "Sorry, honey, but doctor's orders!"
My thought: Soccer, baseball, the NBA, the Kentucky Derby, the Boston Marathon, all canceled or postponed until at least September when football begins. To me, that says that God loves football.
The federal government is talking about giving us all $1,000 in stimulus money to spark the economy. Well, it's not like we're going to go out and spend it all on toilet paper.
Casinos are asking for bailouts from the federal government. Shouldn't they at least be required to roll 7's?
Robert Kraft says of Tom Brady, he "loves him like a son but he has the right to be free." Wait a minute: isn't that what the dad said near the end of "Old Yeller?"
Bethany Frankel says she is creating coronavirus kits. Oh, goodie. We're saved!
A study says the rich are to blame for climate change. If you're rich and want to give me some of that money, I'd be happy to share the blame.
Sorry to say that there is already a long list of scammers at work over this coronavirus. For the full list, please send $100 in unmarked bills to...
OK, so you went out and cleaned out the stores of toilet paper, bottled water and enough food to last several months. Now, the good news--I can finally quit bugging you about putting together an earthquake kit!
- ESPN is going to reverse the spelling of their name to NPSE (No Public Sporting Events)
- The WHO has declared the coronavirus a global pandemic. But all those dogs that were quarantined can now be released, since it's been proven they can't carry the disease. Yes, WHO let the dogs out.
- The hottest drink these days? The Quarantini-its just like a Martini, but you drink it at home all by yourself
- Day four of no sports. Found a woman sitting on my couch. Apparently, she's my wife. She seems nice.
- Day five of no sports. Just found out my wife's favorite color is yellow. Who likes yellow?
- Coronavirus tip-wear a Dallas Cowboys jersey. You won't catch anything.
- Your grandparents were called to war. You're being called to sit on your couch. You can do this.
- If everything gets canceled and you're forced to stay at home and nothing happens-that was the idea!
- What if they close the grocery stores and we have to hunt for food. I don't even know where Doritos live.
- Dear Autocorrect, I'm getting pretty tired of your shirt.
- It's OK if you fall apart sometimes. Tacos fall apart and we still love them.
- People are panicking and already trading sex for food. It's crazy. Anyway, I got two tacos.
- Have we tried unplugging 2020, waiting 10 seconds and then plugging it back in?
- If you bought 30 rolls of toilet paper, you owe three to the church. Tithing is still in effect.
- I need 25 friends to dress up like zombies and join me in walking around the neighborhood. Can't let this quarantine go to waste.
- Are tortillas flushable? Asking for a friend.
- I honestly hadn't planned on giving up this much for Lent.
You wanted the roaring 20’s again? Let’s see, fast-spreading disease, Wall Street collapsing, bars are closed—I think we’re there.
I would always say that when I was a kid, stores used to close at 6pm and were closed on Sundays. It looks like kids todays will be telling future generations the same story.
A report says Lego pieces can survive in the ocean for 1,300 years. Then again, if they’re in the ocean, the odds are really against you stepping on them.
An L.A. taco restaurant is selling emergency taco kits that contain four rolls of toilet paper. Insert your punchline here.
A study says Jupiter’s Great Red Spot may be shrinking. Of course, there’s also the possibility it had some work done.
After 66 years, Playboy Magazine is ceasing publication of its printed magazine. A moment of silence, please, for all those articles I won’t be reading.
Queen Elizabeth is in self-quarantine at Windsor Castle, at least through Easter. And, for the record, she is not amused.
TOP FIVE WAYS SPRING IS GOING TO BE A LITTLE DIFFERENT THIS YEAR
- Birds and Bees asked to maintain a separation of six feet
- Geese migrating north, but all wearing masks
- Early bird first wiping off worm with Clorox wipe
- Tulips being requested to limit each field to 250 blooms
- Masks now required on the face of all sundials
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE GOING A LITTLE STIR-CRAZY AT HOME
- Yes, it's wrong, but you've used relatives' names to create March Illness Brackets
- You can't wait for the next robocall
- Named the dust bunny under the fridge, "Herman"
- Organized the macaroni by size
- You've developed a home version of curling, with a robo-vacuum and a Swiffer broom
TOP FIVE POSSIBLE REPLACEMENT PHRASES FOR SOCIAL DISTANCING
Laugh a little, would ya?
- No Touchy Muchy
- Grace with Space
- Filthy Dirty Dancing