About as Good as Fridays get
Did you say N95? Bingo!!!!
Remember when the biggest gamble you took on your health was going to Chipotle?
And for those still not taking this whole thing seriously, let me put it to you this way-if you don't go home and stay at home, there won't be a football season this fall.
I hear they've closed the golf courses in Palm Springs. I guess it's because the virus is said to spread very easily in sand.
Locked away in the vault of the National Library of Scotland, they have found a paper written by a student in which he used the F-word... back in 1568. Being of Scottish descent, that makes me so (bleep)-in' proud.
The Pentagon has ordered all employees to mask up. Hey, what's good enough for the Pentagon is good enough for me.
Deborah Birx, the nation's coronavirus response coordinator, is asking people not to go to the grocery store. Someone sounds like they've got plenty of toilet paper.
Alec Baldwin and his wife Hilaria are expecting their fifth child together. Obvious what they've been doing during the stay-at-home.
All of a sudden, in-home estimates aren't a convenience, they're your only option.
A lot of grocery stores are going to one-way aisles. I'm waiting for the day they put in those wrong way spikes.
For the record, porn, tobacco, alcohol and chocolate sales are all up a lot. I feel like I'm being watched.
What if you have a friend who is always afraid to ask questions? Just asking for a friend.
You know what's weird? When I start talking about anything having to do with the coronavirus, I feel compelled to use hand sanitizer. (pause) Sorry, just needed a couple of more squirts.
56% of people who went to church last year on Easter say they're going to go again this year. That ought to keep us on lockdown until October. Thanks, guys.
J-Lo says that the coronavirus has affected her wedding plans with A-Rod. I'm wondering if, when they get married, if she'll take his last name and become J-LoRod.
They should make the cruise lines offer up full disclosure: "Buy one week onboard, get two weeks isolation free!"
From Facebook: Has anyone thought of giving 2020 a Snickers?
Resurfacing in the news was the story from 2016, when a church in New York had ordered "Christ has risen" signs from a local printer and the signs were delivered with a typo. They said, "Chris has risen!" (true)
Thanks for all those people checking in, asking how I'm doing during this Stay-At-Home stretch. Actually, not bad. All this at-home time has allowed me to pursue some projects I haven't had time to do before. I've even started that book I've been threatening to write for years. Here's a short sample:
All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy. All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy. All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy. All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy. All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy. All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy. All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy. All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy. All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy. All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy. All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy. All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy. All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy. All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy. All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy. All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy. All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy. All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy. All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy. All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy. All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy. All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy. All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy. All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy.
It's really coming along. Stay well.
What if you have a friend who is always afraid to ask questions? Just asking for a friend.
You know what's weird? When I start talking about anything having to do with the coronavirus, I feel compelled to use hand sanitizer. (pause) Sorry, just needed a couple of more squirts.
56% of people who went to church last year on Easter say they're going to go again this year. That ought to keep us on lockdown until October. Thanks, guys.
J-Lo says that the coronavirus has affected her wedding plans with A-Rod. I'm wondering if, when they get married, if she'll take his last name and become J-LoRod.
They should make the cruise lines offer up full disclosure: "Buy one week onboard, get two weeks isolation free!"
From Facebook: Has anyone thought of giving 2020 a Snickers?
Resurfacing in the news was the story from 2016, when a church in New York had ordered "Christ has risen" signs from a local printer and the signs were delivered with a typo. They said, "Chris has risen!" (true)
To the pastor who said that his parishioners would rather die than miss church on Easter Sunday-I think it'll work out they get both!
Dr. Fauci says that Americans should never shake hands with each other again. I'm in complete agreement, doc-gimme a high five!
Always remember, you can do this thing. Yes, you can do this thing and if you do this thing, then I won't have to!
From Facebook:
- Can we uninstall 2020 and install it again? This version apparently has a virus.
- In the personals--Single man with TP looking for Single Woman with hand sanitizer.
- 8th day of self-isolation and my house has turned in Las Vegas. Drinks are served 24 hours a day and nobody knows what time it is.
- To avoid over-eating during quarantine-instead of wearing pajamas, wear your bathing suit. You're welcome.
- How long is this social distancing supposed to last? My husband keeps trying to get into the RV.
- Having some states lockdown and other states not lockeddown is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.
- It's like being 16 again. Gas is cheap, but I'm grounded.
- There are those saying that this virus has the wrong name. Instead of COVID-19, it should have been Mad Dog 2020.
- I told my wife how wonderful it was to be quarantined with someone I care so much about. She replied, "Must be nice."
- 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
- Team No Sleep-who's still up and why?
- 9 months from now, a huge batch of babies will be born and we'll call them coronials.
- I see by the empty flour aisles that you were so gluten-free after all.
- Psychic Fair canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.
- And just like that, my pastor became a televangelist!
- For the first time in history, we can save the world by sitting in front of TV and staying home. Let's not screw this up.
- Hormel Foods made their first batch of Spam in 1937. With so many people out hoarding food, they announced they'll be making their second batch this week.
- Quarantine-Day 20. Today, I melted an ice cube using only my mind. It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
- So, we can expect our car insurance to go down since no one can drive? Just asking, Jake, from State Farm.
- Dear Casinos, it's no fun losing money, is it?
- It's been a blessing being home with my wife for three weeks. Now, we're all caught up on what I've been doing wrong for the past 14 years.
- I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I thought, Na, no one would get it.
- Today, the Devil whispered in my ear, "You're not strong enough to stand the storm." And I shouted, "Six feet back, jerk!"
- If your go-to excuse for being late for school was missing the bus, you're screwed.
- Remember wishing that the weekend would go on forever? Are you happy now?
- I've washed my hands so much I've uncovered a nightclub stamp from 20 years ago.
- Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".
- I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.
- I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU HAVE A FAMILY MEMBER THAT'S STARTING TO LOSE IT
- Making homemade medical masks out of cheese
- Just set about a dozen Easter Bunny traps in the yard
- Feels that Norman Bates was just misunderstood
- Orders nothing but knives on Amazon
- Keeps watching "The Shining," over and over and over
TOP FIVE MOST POPULAR SONGS FOR YOUR PHONE'S RING TONE
- "Don't Stand So Close" (The Police)
- "Gimme Shelter" (Rolling Stones)
- "Keep your hands to yourself" (Georgia Satellites)
- "Stand Back" (Stevie Nicks)
- "So Far Away" (Carole King-which includes the line, ‘Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?')
