And just like that, we've all gone from Boomers to Zoomers.
Over in India, someone shot video of a monkey flying a kite? Why was he doing that? Because apparently, the string on his yo-yo broke.
I must be really bored. I just took a Facebook quiz called, "Which COVID virus are you?"
IT's that time of day when grab a cup of coffee, sit back, reflect and each ask ourselves... .am I going to bother getting dressed today?
My 91-year-old mother sends her grocery store list to my sister every two weeks, and she swings by a store and gets the groceries. Here's her latest list-"12 pack of diet 7 up, 2 red onions, package of little carrots, eggs, turkey burgers, anything else that looks good and keeps me alive." (you can see which side of the family I got the comedy gene)
My politics have always been somewhere in the middle, but I have to point out to the Democrats-wouldn't it make sense to let all the Trump Republicans be the first to go back out there?
I do remember complaining about 2019 and being really glad that year was over.
A couple in India had twins and named them Covid and Corona. When asked why, Mr. and Mrs. Bubonic had no comment.
Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis have announced they'll be selling "Quarantine Wine" in aid of those suffering because of the pandemic. Well, just as long as right after I buy a bottle, Ashton doesn't yell out, "Burn!"
Did you catch Willie Nelson's 420 concert Monday? It was fun to watch once the smoke cleared. I tell you, some of those songs were so high, only dogs could hear them!
The governor of Georgia is going to start opening up their state this weekend. Yes, that is where the Center for Disease Control is based. It's also where they film, "The Walking Dead."
Yes, Georgia is planning to re-open on Friday and be admitted to the hospital by next Thursday.
North Korea's Kim Jong Un is said to be in "grave danger" after surgery. I'd have to think the danger is even worse for the doctors.
They say one of the first symptoms of the virus is losing your taste, so I'd just like to welcome all of our new listeners who have just found this show.
Remember, the past is just the future two days ago.
After being gone 4 years, Apple Cinnamon Eggo Waffles are back in your grocer's freezer section, as foretold in Revelations.
Jim Beam has rolled out their own brand of coffee and it's available at Wal-Mart. All this to make it so that you can say you had Jim Beam for breakfast and no one will judge.
Disney was doing it. McDonald's has done it. Now, the Cheesecake Factory is offering recipes to some of their famous dishes. Because you're not eating enough.
New in your grocery store-Red, White and Blue Smirnoff Ices. A festive patriotic beverage just in time for you to enjoy while lighting off fireworks in your living room.
The NFL Draft is underway. Party at ESPN!
Now, he's leaving, on the midnight train to Georgia, just to get a haircut.
The weight you gain during the Stay-at-Home is going to be known as the "Quarantine 15."
- I might sleep on the couch to cut down on my morning commute.
- Hugh Hefner became a multi-millionaire staying home in his jammies. So far, I'm not having the same result.
- The longer this goes on, the harder its going to be to return to a land where pants and bras are worn.
- Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peek-a-Boo accident? To the I.C.U..
- The buttons on my jeans have started socially distancing from each other.
- And just like that, have a mask, rubber gloves, duct tape, plastic sheeting and rope in your trunk is OK.
- Until further notice, the days of the week are now known as Thisday, Thatday, Otherday, Someday, Yesterday, Today and Next Day.
- I see people my age mountain climbing. I feel good getting my foot through my underwear without losing my balance.
- Years from now, it's gonna be like, "2018, 2019, 2021, 2022... .." "Hey, you missed one!" "No, we don't talk about that one."
- I don't see why staying home is so hard. 105-million of you did it on Election Day in 2016.
- "The curve is flattening, we can start lifting restrictions" = "The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, we can take it off now."
- April distance brings May existence.
- I hope they give us two weeks' notice before sending us back out in the world so we have time to become ourselves again. And by ‘ourselves', I mean lose 10 pounds, get a haircut and stop drinking at 9am.
- I'm so tired of babysitting my mom's grandkids!
- I remember when you could smoke in a bar. Now you can't even drink in them!
- Doing Crunches twice a day-Captain in the morning and Nestle` in the afternoon.
- Why do people in Athens hate mornings? Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
- ME: This show is boring. BOSS: Again, this is a Zoom conference.
- Cleaning the house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
- Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
- I was feeling sorry for myself and then I realized there are countless celebrities out there trying to survive without personal assistants.
- My favorite childhood memory is my back not hurting.
- It's called Quarantine Coffee. It just has Margarita in it and no coffee.
- Today's soup-Whiskey with Ice Croutons
- Now that everyone has mastered washing your hands, next: 4-way stops.
- I just did a load of pajamas so I could have clean work clothes this week.
- Do you think that, somewhere out there, Marshall's is thinking about me?
Man: It says here that the average man only says 10,000 words a day, but the average woman says 20,000.
Woman (yelling from kitchen): That's because we have to repeat everything to you knuckleheads.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR GOVERNOR HAS LOST IT
- Wants to change the name of the state to include his name: Steve-a-fornia
- Announced new plan to free the slaves
- For whatever reason, he wears a mask in the shower during his press conferences
- Wants to reopen the state but only the part over lakes
- The new state bird-Daffy Duck
TOP FIVE GAMES THAT EVOLVED OUT OF OUR HOME QUARANTINE
- Masked Scrabble
- Mousetrap (using a real mouse)
- Tag Team Parcheesi
- Full Contact Monopoly
Laugh a little, would ya?