So, a normal May 1st in Seattle means a bunch of protestors wearing masks downtown. This year, how are we supposed to tell the protestors apart from the non-protestors?
Will and Grace had another series finale a week ago last night, their second series finale. That puts them in a tie with Bret Favre.
I realized over the weekend that I really miss weekends. These days, they seem just like today.
With the governor re-opening the state over the weekend, the Devil has decided not to go down to Georgia. At least, for a while.
I'm a born trouble-maker. Right now, I'm trying to develop vegetables that taste like meat, just to tick off the vegetarians.
Seriously, we should have the days of the week wear name tags so that we can tell them apart.
Some people are getting all stressed being at home with their families so much. Something that has really helped me is sitting down, taking plenty of deep breaths and watching "The Shining" over and over.
Me: Alexa, what's the weather like today?
Alexa: It doesn't matter. You're not going anywhere.
Yeah, this is the 2019 corona we're dealing with. Look online and you'll see a picture of the first one, the Toyota Corona.
Yes, we are all in this together-just stay over there.
It does amaze me that often the people screaming the most about privacy are the ones with three cameras on their phones.
They're now making Carrot Cake Oreos. Do you ever get the feeling they're choosing their new flavors with a dartboard?
A new study says that 10% of Americans believe the federal government created the coronavirus. When asked why they believe that, they each pulled down their foil hats and said they couldn't hear us anymore.
North Korea posted a picture of a letter dated April 27th, so he must be OK. OK, that REALLY WAS sarcasm.
The updated version of Microsoft Word will let you know that there are not supposed to be two spaces between sentences. See, and all this time, I was putting six-feet between them. I've got to start paying more attention to things.
They have a free updated version of Grammarly you can install on your web browser that will make sure you don't misspell any words. That is, if you don't mind being constantly corrected. Yeah, I know, it's like being married. Thought I'd say it before you did.
There's a prediction that after the toilet paper panic buying subsides, there's going to be a glut of TP in our country. Speaking on behalf of everyone, I think it's safe to say, "Good!"
Norwegian multimillionaire Tom Hagen has been arrested on suspicion of killing his wife, Anne-Elisabeth Hagen, who disappeared 18 months ago. Apparently, he's no Carole Baskin.
Not to be paranoid, but could you put on your mask before you give me an air hug?
So later this month, Jupiter, Venus and a crescent moon are going to create a giant Smiley Face in our sky. Bottom line-on May 16th, you're going to have a nice day, whether you like it or not!
The other day I went to the grocery store and picked out three bottles of Scotch. The cashier asked if I was having a party and I said, "No, just trying to make it to Saturday." As I walked away, she said, "See ya Saturday!"
TOP FIVE ROCK BANDS THAT PROBABLY WON'T BE THE FIRST HIRED AFTER THE PANDEMIC
- It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a distillery to home school one.
- My boss says I intimidate co-workers. I stared at him until he apologized.
- What should you do it you find yourself addicted to seaweed? Sea kelp.
- The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
- Instead of going to Starbucks today, I stayed at home, brewed my own coffee, yelled out my name wrong and lit a $5 bill on fire.
- If you stay in bed and watch church online, are you sack religious?
- As kids, we admired the heroes. As adults, we understand the villains.
- Stay at home, like if your friend invited you to come see their play.
- I've reached the age where sleeping with the wrong pillow feels like I fell out of a 12th story window.
- Moonshine: disinfecting the world from the inside for over two centuries.
- I need to social distance myself from my refrigerator so I can flatten my curve.
- For the second half of this quarantine, do we have to stay with the same family or can we rotate? Asking for a friend.
- Due to Shelter in Place and the 45 times I've cleaned my home, I've extended the 5-second rule to 7 days.
- I hate when I put something in a safe place and basically lose it forever.
- Yes, COVID-19 is pretty scary, but have you ever flooded the toilet at someone else's house?
- Another sign you're getting old. You go to the store to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrap it without asking.
- Dear Alcohol, we had a deal you would make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video. We need to talk.
- Congratulations, you've made it to the end of April. Welcome to level 5 of Jumanji.
- The Raspy Coughers
- Extremely Contagious
- Tested Positive
- Showing Signs
- Ignore the Quarantine!
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR FAVORITE RESTAURANT IS OPERATED BY THE MOB
- Featured item-broken leg of lamb
- Waiters name tag says, "Knuckles"
- When someone yells, "Duck", you don't know if they're ordering or if you should
- You say the phrase, "Witness protection program" and everyone turns around
- On menu, it says "Food whacked daily"
TOP FIVE MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS WHOSE ADVICE YOU SHOULD IGNORE
- Dr. Doctor-Give-Me-The-News
- Dr. Ross Dog Food
- Dr. Fraud (that's not a typo)
- Dr. Jeckyl
- Dr. Seuss
TOP FIVE ROLLING STONES BEING RE-RECORDED TO TIE INTO THE PANDEMIC
- "Gimme Shelter in Place"
- "Get off my Zoom Cloud"
- "Miss You-Gesundheit!"
- "You can't always avoid what you want"
- "Honky Tonk Contagion"
Laugh a little, would ya?