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THIS WEEK'S WACK
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Our 1,264th Edition
June 19th, 2020
Juneteenth! If you don't know, look it up!
A couple of restaurant owners in Thailand have been convicted of a seafood scam and sentenced to 723 years in prison, although they could get out in 575 years with good behavior.
If you don't have the time, patience or energy to make a s'more, Russell Stover is now selling pre-made smores in a package. How lazy can you get? Oh, I suppose if you had Uber Eats deliver them to you, that would answer my question.
Not all who wander are lost. Some are looking for yard sales.
Today, a real watershed moment: I found water in my shed.
I'm thinking of how I'm going to explain it to the kids and I think I'm going to say that Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben ran off together, after she caught him with Mrs. Butterworth.
In New Jersey, one person was injured when a deer ran into a Black Lives Matter march. Obviously, a racist deer.
T-Mobile had a major service interruption on Monday. Of course, being a T-Mobile customer, it was hard to tell.
You knew Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green went their separate ways. He's now been spotted with Courtney Stodden and she's been seen with Machine Gun Kelly, who I thought had been killed during prohibition.
I stand with those refusing to watch any Looney Tunes cartoon made after 1960. Just sayin'...
Scientists studying hummingbirds say that they see colors that humans don't. Yeah, well, at least we know the words!
In Italy, some feral pigs ate $22,000 worth of cocaine that had been stashed in a forest. Three words come to mind-best ham ever!
You can now buy one of those Boston Dynamics robot dogs for $75,000. I'd hate to spend that much and then have to be picking up batteries in the backyard.
Every day, I head off into Facebook, wondering, "I wonder who's getting the 30-day snooze today?"
Kristen Stewart is going to play Prince Diana in a movie about her split with Prince Charles. Now, if we can just get Robert Pattinson to play the prince, I think we'll be able to satisfy two groups of fans, with one movie.
- My mom told me that she was going to her first "Sex Party" and didn't know what to bring. After careful questioning, I told her, "Mom, that's a called a Gender Reveal party."
- I recently took a pole and found out that 100% of the people in the tent were upset with me when it collapsed.
- 13: "I'm the worst number in the world"
666: "That's cute."
2020: "Hold my beer."
- Legend has it that if you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake in someone else's dream. I'd just like to request that you all stop dreaming about me.
- Don't mess with old people. We didn't get this old by being stupid.
- Diet tip-If you think you're hungry, you may actually just be thirsty. Drink a pitcher of Margaritas and see how you feel.
- Now that Yosemite Sam and Elmer Fudd have been disarmed, I hope everybody feels safer.
- So far, 2020 is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by a plane.
- I don't always carry the groceries in one arm but when I do, my keys are always in the wrong pocket.
- Every 'C' in Pacific Ocean is pronounced differently.
- I posted on Facebook that one about, "I'm going to ask my mom if that offer to slap me into next year still stands" and my mom replied, "Only if I can go with you."
- When people say, ‘You're going to regret that in the morning', I sleep until noon because I'm a problem solver.
- America's divorce is getting weird. The left got NASCAR and the right got Harry Potter.
- With so many sporting events canceled, they're going to put the Origami Championships on TV. It'll be available on paper view.
- Today, a man knocked on my door, asking for a small donation towards a community swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
- Don't cling on to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.
- Every woman's dream is that a man will take her in his arms, place her in bed and then clean the whole house while she sleeps.
- I'll bet you'd really motivated to lose weight if those pounds went to someone you didn't like.
- We were sitting on the couch when I heard my husband whisper, "The best part of all this is that we get to spend so much time together." I looked over at him lovingly, only to realize he was talking to the dog.
- My neighbor was out pounding on my door this morning at 2:30am! Can you believe that? 2:30am. Fortunately, I was already up practicing my drums.
- Has COVID-19 forced you to wear a mask and eyeglasses at the same time? You may be entitled to condensation.
- Don't get in my car if you're going to scream every time we almost crash.
- My dad always says good morning to his Alexa, so she won't turn on him in the robot uprising.
- I bought a little bag of air today. The company that made it was kind enough to put in a couple of potato chips as well.
- Laughter is the best medicine. Or wine. Yeah, on second thought, it's wine.
- It doesn't matter what you think of me because my imaginary friends think I'm special.
- You can tell a guy exactly where to go in your purse, and he'll always bring the purse back.
- I told my suitcases there would be no vacation this year. Now, I'm dealing with emotional baggage.
- The bad news-I accidentally took the wrong medication this morning. The good news-I'm now protected against ticks, fleas and heartworms for the next three months!
- Sometimes I amaze myself with the things I say and do. Other times, I try to get out of the car while I'm still wearing my seatbelt.
- Has anyone tried putting 2020 in rice?
- At this point, if a flock of rabid vampire geese flew into my yard next week, I'd probably just put food out for them.
- If one door closes and another one opens, your house is haunted. Time to move.
TOP FIVE THINGS DAD NEVER SAID
- "I'll give you something to cry about. Here, watch ‘The Notebook'"
- "I brought you into this world... no, wait, the doctor did that. Never mind."
- "You should have thought of that before we left, but OK, we'll stop."
- "This is going to hurt me more than... oh, who am I kidding?"
- "And I suppose if they all jumped off a cliff, you'd capture it on your phone!"
TOP FIVE FATHER'S DAY GIFTS TO CONSIDER FOR DAD THIS YEAR
- Last year's Father's Day gift, to see if he notices
- Finally putting in that direct pipeline from the local brewery
- A new pair of white sox and sandals for the beach
- A house drone that fetches TV remotes
- A "Chase those kids off my front yard for me" gift certificate
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian. A new cartoon every week!
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