So now, Major League Baseball is going to experiment with 7-inning double-headers. Hey, as long as the team moms have enough juice boxes for both games, we're good.
July in Phoenix set a record for the hottest month ever in that city. 83 cactus were actually treated for sunstroke.
Do you ever wake up in the morning and think, "Oh, not again!"?
How did the Apple fire in California not get named the ‘i-Fire'?
A new Stephen King novel is scheduled to come out in 2021. My guess is it's about 2020.
Yeah, the Murder Hornets are a concern, but it's the Graffiti Fruit Flies that I will find really annoying.
A new survey says that 4 in 5 parents are seriously considering home schooling. It should be noted that this survey was conducted during Happy Hour.
A new Gallup poll says that the overall satisfaction of an average American is around 13%. It would probably be higher, if it weren't for the constant questions for surveys.
German soccer is going to experiment with allowing some fans in the stands beginning next month with some pretty strict rules-no beer and no standing. That should put the sport to a serious test.
Lizzie Borden's parents just posted on Facebook for the first time in a while. It appears they may have been hacked.
My friend Dan Murphy tells me that the Seattle Mariners game was so bad the other night, several of the cardboard fans walked out.
Disney is going to put "Mulan" on Disney Plus next month, but you'll have to pay extra to see it, as in $29.99. You want Mulan, you'll have to pony up more Moola.
Full warning-tomorrow is National Sneak a Zucchini on Someone's Porch Day. Change the batteries on the Ring camera to be safe.
The mayor of Los Angeles is threatening to shut off water and power to houses having big parties. And, if that doesn't work, they'll send over Charlie Sheen.
The New York State Attorney General is trying to make it so that the N.R.A. stands for "no real assets."
From Facebook:
- The very first rule of passive/aggressive club is... you know what? Never mind. It's fine.
- My mom didn't raise any dummy, but if she did, it was my brother.
- Two things to make your day better-don't watch the news on TV and stay off the bathroom scale.
- I just dropped my phone in water with Facebook open. None of you drowned, right?
- Your quarantine alcoholic name is your first name followed by your last name.
- You know, if both teams just worked together, they could probably score so many more points.
- The coin shortage failed. Release the mysterious seeds.
- I'll bet when aliens go by earth, they lock their doors.
- I like to party and by party, I mean sit on the couch with my dog and eat snacks.
- To drive an electric car, do you need a current license?
- ME: I've got to lose my quarantine 50.
FRIEND: Don't you mean 15?
ME: You quarantine your way, I'll quarantine my way.
- I just got kicked off of a Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6-foot social distancing guideline had pushed anyone over the edge.
- How much Jim Beam could Jim beam if Jim could beam Jim Beam?
- HR tells me that just because I flipped someone off doesn't mean I can have sign language on my resume.
- Due to COVID-19, playing the song ‘Sweet Caroline' has been banned. There will be no touching hands, reaching out, touching you or touching me.
- There's nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul. Especially when it's cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
- Never be a prisoner of your past. It was a life lesson, not a life sentence.
- That awkward moment when you spell a word so badly, auto correct responds with, "I got nothin', man."
- There are those who point out that no one on the Houston Astros has tested positive for the coronavirus because they saw the signs coming.
TOP FIVE DRAWBACKS ABOUT VACATIONING AT HOME
- The kids insist you still have to tip them
- Not even you want to receive a postcard with a picture of your laundry room
- Sand on the living room floor and a glass of salt water just isn't the same
- Most exotic adventure is a walk around the block
- You've seen everything before
TOP FIVE SIGNS THE U.S. ECONOMY IS REALLY HURTING
- New official motto: "In God We Trust-All Others Pay Cash"
- Statue of Liberty switching to solar
- Snow White announces she's laying off three dwarfs
- Alexander Hamilton replaced on $20 by Ads for the Musical
- 50-Cent now only worth a quarter
Laugh a little, would ya?
